Common feelings associated with rape
Did you know rape is the most second horrific thing that can happen to a person other than murder? You and your loved ones will most likely go through the same emotions as grieving the loss of a loved one. They are shock and disbelief, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. All of these emotions might not be felt or in the order listed above, but the majority of them are. Not only do most experience these emotions, but the victim also has the initial “shock” or “numbness” to get through, which typically comes first before other emotions. Other common feelings that might occur right after the rape are shame, scared, guilty, dirty and powerless. All of these are understandable to have but doesn’t mean they are warranted. A lot of survivors feel shame, guilt and dirty but it doesn’t mean they are. What it means is you are taking on the assaulter’s dirty shameful guilt because that is what he is trying to do to you through rape and control. DON’T LET HIM! Survivors also deal with the fear of rejection through friends and family. This sometimes means there is a communication problem because the friends or family just don’t know how to handle it or what to say. Refer to my page “Advice for loved ones of survivors”. They may also have problems with their sleep or eating patterns. Most survivors encounter many of these feelings and it is all part of the healing process. I like to say, “You need to feel in order to heal”. You can not mask the pain with drugs and alcohol because the less you feel the longer it takes to heal. The more you keep it inside the bigger the issue will get and come out when you least expect it. And depending on how long you keep your feelings regressed the bigger it’s ugly head is when it does surface. I always say if you feel like crying, no matter where you are or how long ago it was, let it out. Eventually, you may even want to talk about it. If you can’t talk about it, write it down. The more you let your feelings out, the more room you have to heal. The most important reason for this is because THE ASSUALTER DOESN’T DESERVE TO CONTROL YOUR LIFE ANYMORE! As long as you are regressing, the longer they have control over your life.
CC. First you don’t need to feel ashamed about being raped because no matter what your intentions were you didn’t deserve to be raped. I understand why you feel about the way you went about it and that is relationship issues not the rape issues and those you need to separate inorder to move forward. You need to understand the feelings you are having and where they are stemming from. I’m not sure how going into a marriage is with all these secrets and no emapthy or support for you. It’s hard to say because I’m not in your shoes but what is the worst that can come out of honesty. You need support right now. If you can’t tell your gf then you definitely need at the very least a counselor. When you go into specifics maybe they can help you decide if and/or how to tell your gf. As far as the sexual part try and remember one thing, this guy is in your past not your future and your gf is your future and she is not there to hurt you sexually. She is there to show you what love truly is so try and look at it as you need this love in your life to get you through this. And keep telling yourself she won’t hurt you, she will just love you. Get into professional counseling asap and ggod luck with your marriage. Stay strong! Lynn
KC. This is coming up for a reason and you definitely need to deal with it or I promise you it will affect your future and future relationships. I hope you are still seeing your counselor and so glad that you had courage to do so. Rape can not be forgotten it is something that we must face and deal with. You know this was not your fault because as you said you didn’t understand because you were so young. I definitely think it was someone you trusted otherwise you might have said something. Being someone you trusted at the time you didn’t realize it was wrong. I would also say that I would trust your instincts as far as dreaming that it is your older brother. I think your subconscious is telling you something. I would definitely address this with your counselor on the best way to approach and/or deal with this. Especially if he is still around a lot. Depending on how much older he is he most likely would have memory of this. Think about how he acts towards you when you were growing up and how he acts towards you now. All these things needs to be discussed with your counselor. But I will tell you even if you can’t remember who, try and deal with your feelings now and don’t give uup on yourself because you will get through this. Stay strong! Lynn
I’m still….trying overcome my guilt and shame about this and i just need to let it out so…i am a lesbian and have been with my fiance six years this fall….and this is not something im proud of but we were trying to have children and failed twice, so being so highstrung and stubborn i decided to try and find a man to sleep with to try and have a child….of course i let him know my intentions and made sure he was clean….so i planned a day to do this event even though it was against all that i was as a human being but when i finally met the man….i felt uneasy sitting in his car and decided this wasn’t for me and needed to get home but he just told me that he knew i wanted him and that it was happening weather i liked it or not he then proceeded to drive me out to his home almost in the middle of nowhere….i was terrified and scared for my life so i played along to keeo him happy and not hurt me, i tried to message for help on my phone but the service was out in the area and i didnt know where to run to if i tried to jump out….when we got to inside i was shaking like a leaf and kept from giving him eye contact, he told me to wash myself then after i was done…..he took his damn time with me….even though i pleaded to go back home and forget about it, he didn’t talk much but kept right on at what he wanted….two hours later i was sore and broken mentally, he told me to wash myself again then he did….i got dressed quickly and he drove me to a subway station dropped me off and told me that he thought the events was sexy and wanted to see me again, i nodded and ran for my life back home…deleted everything off the internet and went into an awful depression…..even more painful because my fiance was away for work and i could not tell her about what i went through….i know she would leave me if she found out that i was betraying her….baby or not….i felt disgusting….dirty…not deserving the amazing woman i have in my life…..we are getting married in a month now that shes back but im still mentally shattered by this and finding it very hard go be aroused by sex again….i dont know what to do….really i dont….
I am currently 16 years old, I can’t remember how long it’s been since I was raped and lately I haven’t been able to come to terms with having been raped, I guess you can say I’ve become numb to it, I treat it with indifference. I hadn’t told anyone about being raped because I was 6 when it happened, until recently where my therapist had questioned if I had told her already. What really irks me is that I don’t remember who this person was, all I know he wasn’t much older than me. I remember he would bribe me into letting him do things to me, at that time I didn’t realize what was happening, all I know is that I didn’t like it but he just kept coming back but since I was unaware of what was happening I didn’t say anything. Now at the age I’m at, I’ve been having cloudy dreams about what happened all those years ago. The thing is that I’ve always had memories of it being my oldest brother, I guess you can say I’m in denial, I can’t possibly comprehend that my brother could be my rapist, I don’t know what to do anymore and the more I think about it I feel myself going insane. I don’t want to say anything since its been a long time ago, I don’t even believe it’s something worth bringing up but I just wanted to let it out in some way. Thanks for reading XX
K. It doesn’t matter what type of life someone has it is no reason for rape. And to be clear YOU wouldn’t have tainted him, HE did that himself by making the choices he did. So please don’t think you would have done anything wrong. In fact I bet that wasn’t his first time and probably won’t be his last because he got away with it. I’m just glad you were able to get away from him. I’m glad your mother cam around to be compassionate too. You do still need to seek counseling though, and you can start by calling your local crisis center. Stay strong! Lynn
K. First let me start by saying you are a long way from where you used to be and I commend you for that. You are stronger than you realize and I can’t say enough how proud I am that you got yourself out of that black hole you were in. You should be proud too, you are a survivor where most wouldn’t be having been through what you have. That being said my best advice for you is to move forward, stop living in the past. This man and all the evil around him seem to be out of your life now and that is how you want to keep it. I know you’ve lost a lot but you could loose a lot more if you try to sue. I think that is out of the question. First you’d have to prove it and since you had no cooperation from the police it is your word against his and I think we both know how that would go. I need you to put all your energy and focus on your future with your kids and your husband. You also need to realize, rape is about control NOT you. So please stop putting yourself down and know this doesn’t define you. It only defines the assholes that did this to you. And everyday that you go through life wanting to give him a pay back and being miserable and pissed means he is still in control of your emotions which is exactly what he wants. That’s why he did what he did. The best way you can get him back is to get your life back and never think of him again. Instead of being sad about where you are and the things he took, turn it around and be GLAD that you still have your husband, despite everything and that your kids will get through this as they are only two years old and resilient. Again I need you to look forward and stay as far away from the evil as possible. The past can not be changed so why waste another minute on it. Rely on your crisis center for counseling, and anything else you need help with. But whatever you do don’t let this be guy in control of another minute of your life. And lastly I need you to learn the power of forgiveness. I’m not asking you to forgive the people that did this to you, I’m asking you to forgive yourself. Stop beating yourself up because there is no excuse for what these people did and you did not deserve this. What you do deserve is a good life for you and your family, so put in the effort through counseling to achieve this. If there is anyway you could start fresh in a new town, far far away from this that would be great too. Maybe your husband can look for jobs in other places, you never know. Just don’t give up because then he wins! Stay strong! Lynn
Hello there, my name is K and I am currently 17 years old. I was 13 years old when I was raped. I was a very troubled child from my family life and had very few things to live for. My best friend was one of them. She came from an abusive home and together we’d help each other escape our realities. After a heavy brawl with her mom, she was sent to boot camp far, far away for a long, long time and I fell apart. In my math class, there is a known drug dealer and with the $10 in my pocket I bought a meth bomb and ingested it the next class. I went to the bathroom, saw stars hover around my fingers, stared myself in the eyes in the mirror and repeated to myself my self-loathe, and then passed out on the bathroom floor to pee myself until two friends of mine showed up and decided I needed to be taken out of school, away from any administrators who might catch me. One of the guys was my ex-boyfriend. They dragged me passed securities and eventually into the car of a friend of my ex-boyfriend. The other guy returned to school while my ex accompanied me. I threw up on the little daughter of the driver. We were dropped off at an apartment building where my instructions by my ex were to sit with him in the staircase as we wait for his friend to arrive and get me cleaned up. He told me to kiss him, and as much of a daze I was in I was aware of my barf breathe and that he was my ex and denied. He kissed me anyways because I couldn’t fight back. He took me to the bathrooms of the pool, into an abandoned sauna room, pulled off my pants and bent me over the chair until I began bleeding. Yes I was a virgin. Scared, he left and I cleaned myself up with every amount of muscle I could of used. I remember diving to the bottom of the pool and forgetting I didn’t have gils until I finally came out, choking. He was there at the end of the pool and talking to me as if nothing had happened, and I went along with it. I even agreed to helping him get back with his ex-girlfriend for him. I felt empty and went to my neighbors house where I slept for two days. When I woke up, I called my best friend to tell him what happened, not really thinking much of it when he told “K, THAT’S RAPE”. And that’s when it dawned on me. For the next week I brooded with whatever I did, and he kept coming up to me asking on progress of his ex. I was especially close with my science teacher and I told her about it. I cried, for the first time since. I cried hard. She pleaded with me how I didn’t deserve it, but I don’t think life cares to who the bad things happen to. Later on, my mom decided to confront me about my suspicious behavior and I simply responded that I had been raped. She screamed at me, she was so mad. I hadn’t known about the obligation teachers had to tell on any crimes committed so soon the police also found out. After questioning, I was left no choice but to tell who it was that did it. Yet, I still begged to drop charges. I knew him, just a nice guy with a messed up family like me. I didn’t want to be the reason of tainting his life. I seemed ‘strong’. When my mom finally became compassionate she’d ask me how I felt about it and I told her that now I can relate with other girls who go through the same situation, and though this is true I think I was only numb. He was expelled from school. After that, my greatest fear was seeing him and getting punched in the face. From what I remember when I was with him, he was great in boxing. Thankfully, I moved from Miami the next year.
I was wondering if there was any answers to my book of questions.. I have been brutalized, beat up, stabbed and left for dead over the course of my life but nothing has broken me down more than the countless times I have been held down and forced to do whatever I was told.. My older brothers friend started forcing me to do things to him at a young age but never made me have sex with him.. when I told on him I was called a liar and had to apologize to him and his family, and was dubbed a liar in my families eyes that was around Kindergarten I got into drugs at a young age and left home by the time I was 15, I had been taken to Washington D.C and sold on the streets by a low life pimp but by that time no one cared where I was or what I was doing.. I was alomst killed a few times which pushed me into heavier drugs and more beating more rape.. I got sober and finished school .. I even went to B.U for a few semesters. Now I am married I have two year old twin boys we moved up to the country so I could heal from chemotherapy which I endured for about 4 month and got so sick my kidneys started failing so I stopped, and one of my boys had heart surgery so we felt the county was the way to go… we moved into a mobile home trailer owned by a friend of my dad.. Many years later I forgave my parents for my upbringing…. what a mistake… my landlord scumbag would let himself into my home within 10 minutes of my husband leaving for work, me begging my husband to stay home,.. The landlord threatened me in the nicest tone and raped me repeatedly for about a month until I broke down and told a friend .. I thought was a friend but in a small country town everyone knows everyone if by chance they are not related they are familiar with everyone.. well no matter who I tried talking to about it basically rushed me out of their home or office and then basically called me a junkie whore to EVERYONE.. He did this to me in front of my children and I was afraid he would do it to them or try hurting them. I just needed help and no one cared wait they cared enough about him to attack me and say I HAD DONE SOMETHING TO HIM!!!! The police up here, also friends with him, have done nothing to help protect my family from this man.. This man owns a big business in the area and employes alot of the community and donates to the places that help families in need.. I was homeless living in hotel rooms. The good thing was the crisis center helped us get into the state funded shelter/ hotel until we found another home. My husband knew some details but I never still to this day have not told him exactly what happened He started blaming himself for working so much and all the other feelings a loved one goes through.. He still went to the mobile home to gather some things and get mail everyday he had left work to come to the hotel. He shows up there one day about a week after we left, Mind you we had NO eviction notice no vacate the premises not nothing the place was still ours we had basically just paid for the month, well there were two trucks emptying out the home all our stuff my kids clothing medicine shoes coats boots everything we owned into two trucks that were backed up to the porch, My FATHER and company were robbing us! he pulled a gun on my usband who was now crying begging them for just the boys stuff it was winter and they did not have proper clothing we left in a hurry because I was told to leave , get the kids out of there and into a safe place.. THATS WHAT WE DID!. anyways I called the state police reporting a robbery they NEVER went to meet my husband they never bothered with a report nothing I then called them and reported this crime about 87 times , I also called the sheriff’s department and they did not have ANY deputies to help us.. Long story is this we lost everything we owned because I was raped.. One detective called me to ask if I would report this rape and I was so scared that the man would find us or pay some one to find us and hurt us more.. TERRIFIED that someone would hurt us because the police were not protecting us by any means plus I relived every brutal rape every bad disgusting hot breath I can feel on my face Im hysterical typing this… Now that I am far from that home and I have dropped all contacts and got therapy .. My old therapist, also Landlords friend, told me to stop telling people about what happen she said it was so I can get over this and every time I tell someone I relive it and it’s not healthy.. There are alot more horrid things that have also stemmed from this but I won’t head off on another caviot of sorts.. I stopped seeing that therapist and I am ready to live I just don’t know how anymore I feel like I live under an emending cloud of doom and I want him to pay where so many others got away with what they did to me, and my family. My children are affected by this because they watched a man make mommy scream and cry alot they DO NOT like being around or near anyone other than my husband and me thats it everyone else they cry and with older men the little one shakes sometimes they both do not talk yet they turned 2 in December.. Is there any justice you can point me to .. I hate to sound like this but I want to sue him..I lost everything because of him..I know that sounds gross I feel gross writing it.. I was wondering what others thought of my storyt, Maybe it’s me maybe I am the looser junkie whore….this happened back in October 2012….so depressed and mad I am so mad
E. Let me explain to you that rape is about control and that is exactly what he was doing and knew he was getting away with it which is why he kept on for so long. You are so young and have such a long life to go so try and look at the positive which is your future and HE is NOT in it. You can’t change the past so you MUST stop with the “why did I do that, or why didn’t I do more”. You were vulnerable and he was good at the game BUT IT’S OVER!! I would suggest counseling because this will affect your future relationships so you really need to get a hold of your feelings BEFORE getting in another one especially because of your age. Just know that this doesn’t define you only him as a rapist. This type of rape is so common because they think you owe them if you are in a relationship and they try and get away with it. I might take a self defense class too because that will really help with your self esteem and your sense of security, but definitely get the counseling. Stay strong! Lynn
I was in a relationship with this guy two years ago. we started having sex when I was 15 and he was 16. I don’t know what to think anymore. There would be times when we would have consensual sex, but other times, I would tell him no and try to stop him, but he would just keep taking my clothes off and spreading my legs and I would force him off of me and he would say I was hurting him and be really convincing until I stopped being defensive, but then just shove himself into me when I was vulnerable. It went on for a long time. He never hit me or shoved me. He would just make me feel so guilty and then manipulate me and make me feel horrible for “rejecting” him and then get me when my guard was down because I kept trusting him. And he would constantly insult me and tell me how “slutty” I am outside of the bedroom, but whenever he wanted to have sex, he would get angry or make fun of me for not being “dirty” enough. I just can’t tell if it’s abuse anymore. I didn’t even start to think about that possibility until a year ago and we ended our relationship over two years ago and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. I keep wanting to tell someone but I feel like they won’t take me seriously. Or that they’ll just think he was a creep but not really raping me. All I know is I want to claw my insides out at the thought of him ever touching me and I feel like an idiot for not beating him over the head and getting away from him for all that time. The thoughts are getting worse and worse as time goes on and I just don’t know how to handle it anymore.
When i was 11 (in year 7/first year of high school) I was going out with a boy he was 16 (in year 11/last year of high school). We had been seeing eachother and going out for around 6-7 months, we used to hang around a lot out of school too, but i always went with my friend and he always went with his friend. I used to dance twice a week and had exams and shows coming up so had a lot of extra dancing to do so i was lucky to see him twice a week out of school at this point. One day he came to mine with his friend and I’d just got out the bath so quickly went and got dry and dressed then joined them on the PS2. His friend said he was going home for his karate lessons so left around a hour after they came. We stayed on the PS2 for a bit whilst my mum bobbed out to the shops. We were very close so we lied down on the bed and cuddled and kissed and he was hard down there and lied on top of me and tried it on, immediatly i said what are you doing? and he said come on so i said no. Dispite this he ragged my trousers down and my top off and put it up me, all i can remember is it hurting but blanking it out. Afterwards he got up got dressed and went. I went straight out of the house and saw my other friend as we were sort of seeing each other as i wasn’t in a “serious” relationship and was in a “open one”. He knew something was wrong immediatly but i shoved it to the back of my head and just had a chat with him.. i looked up about the morning after pill and decided right i have to go and tell him today whilst i still can! (whilst i had the courage) So i told my friend all about what had happened and he gave me a huge hug and asked his sister what i should do, she said i needed to go to the doctors and get the morning after pill so me and him walked up to the doctors but they were shut and we were both really worried so he phoned his sister up and said what do we do now? She said go up to a’n'e and ask for it there so we did. I told them what had happened and she made me do a pregnancy test anyway then around 4 hours later i had the morning after pill, the next thing i knew there was my mum and the police. I spoke to the police and told them everything. They went to my house and got my clothes bed sheets ect. All i have ever told my mum up to this day is he said no but still did it, i never wanted her to know as she is bi-polar and i never wanted to make her upset. I got with my now ex partner around a year after that and his best mate kept coming round pissed up, (he was 17 the mate). ANyway one night my bf was at his nanans and was making all these threats to come round as i was baby sitting his little brother and sister 7+9 so i asked the oldest to get his mate to come round so that if he did come round he couldnt smash the house up ect like he’d been threatening to do. He was pissed up as usual and sent the kids upstairs to watch tv as soon as he shut the living room door he slid the sofa up to the door and asked me to come sit next tohim as he wanted to talk so i did. my phone rang as i picked it up he took the battery out and threw it to the other side of the room, then he tried coming onto me and i said what on earth are you doing? and he tried to carry on by biting my neck and kissing me and rubbing his hands up my thy then the house phone rang and all you could see was anger in his eyes as he got up and ragged the house phone out of the wall. as he came back to me he threw me up the sofa and started to rag my trousers off so i pulled them back up and said what the f”"k and he looked really peed off as he grabbed them and ragged them back down (i was trying to pull them back up but couldnt) he then shoved him self up me and as soon as he was done i rushed up got my trousers and put them back on and said i need to see the kids as they were coming down the stairs he grabbed me kissed me and threw me back then moved the sofa as i went to see the kids he walked out of the living room and laughed and walked out of the house. they said what did he want you for? so i said nothing you can come down now and as they were watching tele i went on the computer as it was facing the other way and cried. From all of this i started slitting my wrists at the age of 11 threw to 14 i stopped dancing and started smoking weed and fags and stopped eating too. I had mentoring social workers ect ect. Now i have a wounderful boyfriend im 16 hes 21 and ive told him all this just not in detail and i have a 5 month old baby girl so i stay strong for them!
J. Anytime someone forcibly has sex with you and you have not given consent is rape. This is a very common type (people that know each other and have had sex before) because then it is your word against theirs when you have had consensual sex. So many men think they can get away with it and unfortunately a lot do. If you want to do something then it’s best if you have some type of proof like picture of a bruise or if you still have the bruising. Have you washed the sheets or do you have any ripped clothing. do you still have the beer bottle he was drinking. Have you taken a shower. All these things can help. The best thing for people to do is go get a rape kit done and take any type of evidence you have. If it’s too late and you don’t have anything I would still report him because he might have a record and then that itself could help you and/or others who have filed a complaint. If you don’t or can’t do any of that at the very least stay as far away from this man as possible. Change your number, get a stun gun ($30 to $50). Take a self defense class, get some pepper spray something! The last thing you want is him coming back for more. What happens when a rape isn’t reported and it’s someone they know, they think they can get away with it again because you didn’t report. So be very careful. If you live in an apartment complex and you can’t move tell your leasing office or any grounds officers so they can keep an alert out for him. Just protect yourself as much as you can and when you can move away, do so. Stay strong! Lynn
L. I’m so sorry that you have been through so much especially at such a young age BUT I’m so HAPPY that you have a family that loves you now. You have a long life and now that you are with a family that can show you what real love is, because it is nothing that you have experienced so far, except from your Grandpa. I also bet your Grandpa is so happy for you too. I hope you get to see your brothers but as far as your Mom, I think you have a new Mom and I think that is best. So all that love you have to give, make sure you give it to the people that are treating you right. And try not to worry too much about kids at school, they can be mean but they aren’t people you have to live with the rest of your life so try to rise above them and ignore them. If you aren’t in counseling still and if you continue to have issues don’t be shy to ask for more counseling, it will help when you need it. Stay strong! Lynn
I’ve been friends with benefits for 4 years. This past August we decided to finally start dating. I took him seriously and only dated him; come to find out he was still dating 3 other girls. I didn’t want to be apart of a secret relationship so I was breaking things off. He did not want to accept that things were going to be over romantically. He asked to come over to talk and I replied saying I was not going to have sex with him. He said he just wanted to talk. I had a bad day, my rent was going up, but long story short I got a bottle of wine and a pizza on my way home. He showed up later and had a beer and pizza with me. I said I was tired and we both went to sleep in my bed because we have spent many nights together in the same bed without sex. In fact we hadn’t had sex in over 2 weeks because I didn’t know who he was also sleeping with. I went to sleep and he stayed up watching tv. I woke up on my stomach to him ripping my pants off and crawling on top of me. When I tried to get away he used force. So my question is…we had been friends with benefits but I told him more then once I did not want sex, is that rape?
im 13 years old now but im going to start my story…my mom meet my biological dad when they were both drunk but that night they ended up getting together. my mom didnt want a kid but i guess she had me. the day she brought me home my grandpa was waiting for me even when i was a baby i felt safe around him it felt like he was my dad. my mom was never around for me for five years so he watched me, on July 2,2004 my grandpa died he always kept me from my dad and i really didnt know why but he did but when he dided there was no one for me my cousins would come up to me and touch me and kiss me and hit but my mom didnt care, one day she met this guy they ended up sleeping together and having my brothers when i first met him i didnt like him but i had to live with him anyway. one day my biological dad came to come pick me up and i was so happy! i wore my best dress and i was 6 at the time but he took me way out there and he said my dress was to tight so he lefted it up took his pants off and had sex with me. he threw me in the back seat and kept trying but i didnt let him hurt me some more but when he dropped me off at home he told me not to tell anyone so i didnt until 2 years later…my mom didnt believe me and when i told the cops they said it was to late and they couldnt do anything about it so there was nothing to do until 2010 when he raped my little sister who was 4 and he raped my baby cousin and my cousin was a boy he had to go to jail and my mom and me kept getting letter from him but that comes later….when i turned 9 i got in trouble for not doing my chores we were at my grandmas house for a visit so my mom called lavon who was her boyfriend and told him to come and get me so he did. he was so mad at me cause he had to bring his simitruck so i had to go with him and when we got to this bus stop he told me to go in the back so i did he got in the back after me and told me to bend over to give me a spanken so i did until he told me stand up so i did and he said lets play dares i thought they would be fun dares but they werent and i was the one who had to do the dares and not give’em he told me to take off my clothes, take off his clothes. so he got on the bed naked and he told me to get on his dick and jump up and down and i had too then he told me to suck his dick and he had to lick my private and i was 9 he was 40 years older than me my mom was only 28. so the next say he told me not to say anything or it will ruin the family so i didnt. valentines day came along and it was the year of 2010 when they got married and he kept telling me he was marrying my mom for me. she was so happy with him my brothers had a dad and i didnt want to ruin that so everyday that he comes home from work he would go in my room and start having sex with me and he told me that if i ever got preganent i would have to say i had a boyfriend. but anyway one day i couldnt do this anymore and i told him to stop so he did the next day after i told him i had to go with him shopping and he kept looking at me weird like he hated me. but when we got home he kept saying why are u living with me? and i told him i have to he married me my mom. he kept getting mad at me and i started crying he kept trying to hug me and say im sorry but i kept pushing him away. my mom came in and saw i was crying but of course she was drunk like always but she kept crying and asking what happened and suddenly..i told her she jumped up and started pushing him away from me and we both ran out of the door we ran to his sisters house but that was such a good idea only one sister didnt believe me and the other one took us to the hospital we stayed there for awhile until the cops came, they kept adking me questions and then hours went by and they told me that i had to go in fostercare i looked at my brothers wanting them to come with me. they kept saying they couldnt come. they asked me if i ever cut myself and i told them i did and i also tried killing myself. but then the cops had to take me to my fosterfamily i liked them and then they took me to this other place where i had to talk about it. and then i had to go to another fosterhome and i loved it. but everyday since then i havent seen my brothers for a year and i miss them and my mom she didnt believe me so instead she chose her husband over me so i dont know what to think of her but the memories me and her had together are sad cuz everytime i think of her i always thought of how she hit me and tortured me and leaving me alone. my case is stll going on my foster family is now my family they adopted me as for my mom she is still with her husband and my brothers there living a good life but there not together i was the only one in fostercare one of my brothers live with one of my aunts and the other lives with my other aunt there doing great so far and also as far as i know anout my sister is that she is beautiful and is doing great. and as for me again i have bad memories of him and nightmares that seem real but anyway im L. im 13 years old i never had a good life but now i do. but as for my case i hope he goes to prison! my life is still awkward school is boring all the girls hate me. but thats school but…that was my life i still cry but i think i can live. i hope i can see my brothers and i hope he goes to prison. and if u were wandering what happened to my biological dad he went to prison for 40 years and a $250,000 fine so thank you for listening.
S. Well you obviously need to talk to someone because you are here. That is a big first step in the healing process so stop worrying about everyone else and put you first. The sooner you do that the quicker you will start to heal. And when I mean talk to someone I mean a counselor. You can either talk to a counselor at school who I’m sure can recommend someone or if you have health insurance you can go through your plan but your parents would need to know. You can also call your local crisis center and ask for help for rape counseling from them. As far as your mom, put yourself in her shoes. If this happened to your daughter would you want her to be able to come to you or would you be more hurt if you found out and she felt she couldn’t come to you. If you aren’t sure then maybe talk to the counselor about how to approach it with your mom. But one thing I know for sure is it isn’t going away until you take care of yourself through counseling. Stay strong, Lynn
I was raped almost 3 years ago by my ex boyfriend. I was 13 when it happened. His sisters found out and told everyone at middle school & high school making my life a living hell. I’m 16 now and the pain is getting worse. I refuse to think about how he raped me every day for 6 months.. My only family members that know are my grandmothers & my cousin. I wont tell my parents because i dont want them to feel the guilt and i dont want them to ruin that kids life either. I want to talk to someone but I’m scared. I feel so alone. For a year I was in denial and recently its been hitting me like a ton of bricks. I want to tell my mom… but I’m scared..
V. In order to regain control, the only way bottom line is through counseling. We are not put on this earth with our brains knowing how to deal with such and event. The only people that can help you are those who have been through it OR through counselors or therapists who have been trained. So you can either try group counseling where you will make lifelong bonds or if you aren’t into group therapy you can get private counseling. Yours friends don’t want to talk about it because they don’t know how to help. A lot of times they do the wrong things which make it worse, like distancing themselves because they don’t want to talk. When they should be there for you, not worrying about how they feel. But it is only out of ignorance NOT because of you so try not to take it personally. As far as someone you want to be in a relationship with you must tell them BEFORE you have sex with them. You DO NOT need to give details nor should you (that is only for counseling) but you need to tell them you are a rape survivor. If you can also tell them you are in counseling, this takes the pressure off of them (to do the right thing). You can tell them you are getting the help you need from a professional and all you ask from them is to be there to hug you and make you feel safe, thats it. Once you tell them that, they feel like you are being strong and doing the right thing and they look up to you and want to be there for you (IF it’s the right person). If they don’t have empathy or feel like they aren’t ready for the situation then it’s better you know before you have sex than after, because then you are more emotionally involved. So hopefully you are able to get the counseling you need because only then can you regain control. Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped over 10 years ago while in college. It was by a friend and afterward he told all of our friends I was worthless. I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to so I didn’t tell anyone for the first year. The two people I tried to tell told me it was too difficult for them to hear and we never talked about it. So I didn’t talk about it for years thereafter. About 3 years ago I did find someone I could talk to. In fact, he actually asked me about it one night before I told him because I still couldn’t stand to be touched. And while he didn’t leave me he has also never asked about it and so I’ve still never really talked to anyone about what happened that night. For most of the year I am okay with what happened. But I’m coming up on the time of year it occurred and each year I start to become very insecure in my relationships, I get depressed and I tend to pick fights with my friends who would be there the best they could. However, it has been a long time and the couple of people who do know think I should be past all of this. But it seems to get worse every year and for the first time this year I am starting to have nightmare associated with the event. How do I regain control and how do I begin to explain my behavior to my friends? Thank you in advance for any advice
B. Honestly you didn’t do anything wrong so I wished you could let go of the shame. Rape doesn’t define you only the person that did this to you. Asking the school to take you off the mailing list is enough (so you don’t have the constant reminder). I would be honest with your cousin, especially if she goes to that school and you not knowing if he works there or not. If you feel it would help your mom understand the rape and she would give you support then I would tell her as well. If you don’t feel like she would support you then don’t. But whether or not you tell them you need to get counseling so you can move on and deal with it the right way. Again you did nothing wrong. All you did was trust him and he is the one that did wrong by taking advantage of that trust. Everyday that goes by that you are carrying this burden he is still in control. Rape is about control not you and he has been in control for 10 years, isn’t that enough? I know you would like to put this behind you and work towards happiness in your future. Counseling will get you there and then you can take back control of your life because he will no longer control your thoughts, emotions and actions. You can call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find a counselor close to you. It’s been 10 years, counseling if worth a try I promise. It’s not easy but it’s easier than what you went through that night and going through for 10 years. You and your future are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped 10 years ago. I was in college and I worked for security on campus. One of the non studant guards and I became friends I was 18 he was probably 40, I knew his wife also. There was no smoking on campus and he would take me off campus at night for a cigrette. This was something we did through the first semester and we were friends I trusted him. My second semester our friendship continued, we went to smoke one night and he said he needed to run by his house to get a key he forgot, he lived in an apt complex down the street and many students lived there so it was normal for security to patrol there escort studants etc. so I went with him figured I’d see his wife, no big deal. I knew it was a bad situation right away, his wife wasn’t home and porn was on the tv when we walked in, like he planned it. I wanted to leave but it was a really bad neighborhood I was scared to leave and scared to stay. I stayed I told him no, I told him to take me home and eventually just did what he wanted because it was happening one way or the other.
I’ve lived so long with this, only a few people know. I was drinking alot after and I started sleeping around. I feel numb about it still.
My question though is my cousin is planning to go to school there (he is no longer working there as far as o know) and over thanksgiving we were talking about that school and I said I didn’t really like it. My mom said “be honest you didn’t do well because you were busy partying” (she doesn’t know what happened) sometimes I feel like I should tell her because these things have come up before and I hate having to pretend like shes right. I’ve thought about writing to the school too, they still send me crap asking for donations & I’m sick of getting them. But at the same time I think what good would come from that?
N.N.D. I’m glad your boyfriend supported you through your time but I think you need to let him go now. If someone is going to support you it needs to be ALWAYS, not just some of the time. His actions now are dangerous and you must let him go. You also need to NOT ever speak to your rapist again. I’m confused as to why you think this is OK because it’s not and I can only assume IF your boyfriend knows that you speak to your rapist, that he is confused as well. Rape is about control and the fact that you did not report and still talk to him (even if only every 3 months) you are upping the risk of him doing it again to you. He will think he still controls you and it can very possibly happen again. So PLEASE STAY AWAY from this person at all times. That is exactly how and why people are raped more than once by the same person, because your rapist still feels in control. So get some pepper spray or take a self defense class if there is even a 1% possibility of running into him but do your best to stay as far away as possible or you could be setting yourself up. And I want you to get the proper counseling you need, because it is the only thing that is going to truly help you. Between your molestation at such an early age and then your rape it is necessary. You deserve to be happy and have a great future (and your current boyfriend is not the one) so please help yourself do that. Stay strong! Lynn
I am 29 and was molested when I was 15 and raped by an ex-boyfriend when I was 24. i have never received any councilling and up until recently have been coping with it all. After the last incident My current boyfriend was with me, he has been very supportive and even got me the morning after pill the next day, he tried to convince me to go to the police but I couldn’t,since this was my second incident I felt ashamed,guilty and defeated. My family knows of the molestation which was done by a family friend and its been a topic we don’t discuss though they in silence have been very supportive and loving. My current boyfriend I trust and though our relationship has become a long distance one recently I can’t seem to let go of him. I have forgiven my assulters even greet them since we live in a small country I see them every other month. My boyfriend has been bringing up my past events alot lately and I can see it bothers him a lot, and we touched on the topic yet not discussed it. And because of this I am getting all these emotions again, fear being the most evident. He keeps saying he just wants me for him and a few days ago on a visit while being intimate he went into a different mode,saying he just wants me for him but being rough with me to a point I got upset and pushed him away. I don’t know what to do and starting wih myself is the first step as I have read in your notes but I am scared. How can all this happen now,I’ve managed my emotions-controling them not people get to close even emotionally and every wall just seems to crumble now and the person that was my pillar is also crumbling. i’m scared to open to this feelings and have it make me feel like a victim and not a survivor-forging myself..how?
S. First I’m so sorry that you had to go through this and didn’t have the support you needed. And I hate to tell you this but your BF is not your rock nor is he supporting you the way you need if he is mocking rape in front of you. the fact that he is doing that and even talking to his friends about it is disrespecting you to your face and not caring. How is that being your rock? It’s the actual opposite. You sound like a very strong girl to go through this and hold it in so now you have to be strong enough to confront him and tell him how it made you feel and if he ever does it again or if you even hear from someone else he ever does it things are over between you. And that is being easy on him because I personally would have walked away forever the first time it happened. That is such disrespect that if he does it once it truly shows he doesn’t care about your feelings. Which is why he doesn’t want to talk about it or try to understand because he doesn’t care as much or either doesn’t believe you. Especially if he is saying “rape is unheard of lately” because I know for a fact by the statistics that rape is more prevalent in this world than ever before. So his words and actions prove several things #1) He doesn’t know the facts, #2) He doesn’t care about knowing the facts if he is mocking them and #3) He doesn’t care about your feelings (which is the most important). I sure hope you aren’t having sex with him because if you are I bet thats what interests him the most in the relationship, not so much you. I know this is hard to hear but anyone who is supportive and empathetic would NEVER do such things EVER. So the ball is in your court. You can choose to continue the relationship which means you accept his behavior knowing he is NOT a good support system and will ultimately hurt your chance at a healthy relationship. Or you can choose to be strong and recognize what he is doing (even though you truly care for him) and stand up for yourself and walk away. I’d rather be alone anyday than be with someone that did that. There is someone out there for you that won’t do that. And just a little more advice, you should always tell your sexual partner that you were raped BEFORE having sexual relations because that’s when you determine if they can be empathetic and try and deal with the situation or if they can’t and walk away. BUT never give them the details because that isn’t the person that you need to tell that to. You need to get professional counseling, still even though it was so long ago, but that is who you confide the details to NOT your partner. when you tell them all the details is when questions or doubts come into play and it’s not there issue to question or doubt. All they need to know is the fact that you were raped. And you can ask them to be patient with you. But if you can tell them you are going or have been to counseling for it, it takes the pressure off them because they know you are helping yourself and they know you are getting help that they can’t give because they don’t know how to. And you can honestly say all you need from them is a shoulder to cry on or to feel safe with them and to be patient in case something triggers you. They won’t doubt you or mock rape if they know you have either rec’d counseling or in it, I promise you. And more importantly you will learn the difference of really having a caring relationship, than just one you are in because you feel safe or want the love. There is a big difference and you need to recognize that. So try and get the counseling you need because the rest of your life and all you healthy relationships depend on it. Stay strong. Lynn
When I was 14 years old a boy locally begin to text me, I felt smitten at first as this was the first ever boy to really text or like me. One night he texted me looking to meet, he was a lot older than me and I was unsure of my feelings of exticement to meet him. But that night he lifted me and took me to a nearby barn , he had said by text that we where going on a proper date to the cinema so of course silly as I was I said yes. At the barn he keep asking me questions of what I would like to do to him or what he would like to do to me. I was confused. He told me that normal couples do this. I lead to believe this as I had no experience with boys. It all happened so fast next thing I knew was he had pinned me down and the sharp pain. I remember fighting to get him of and him laughing I was never as sacred in my entire life. I blacked out from the pain and shock and woke up outside my house, the next day was the hardest I was un sure what to do or say to my family i am a only child and felt I couldn’t trust anyone. I remember making up excuses for all my bruises saying it was from falling of my horse I was so ashamed and knew my family would be upset with knowing I lost my virginity so carelessly. I came from a outgoing bubbly confident girl to a distant and private. I am now 18 and have a boyfriend who is the first person I’ve told, he comforts me when I cry or need support but doesn’t understand or want to about the pain that I’ve been holding lately. However Recently i have over heard him with friends talking about rape and how it’s became un heard of lately, he and his friends joked about rape while I was present. I was soo upset with this as my bf knows about my past. I’m confused, he doesnt understand the feelings ive been through. I can’t loose him as his my rock his the one who’s supported me.
J. It will and can get better but you have to work at it. I know it sucks that we as the victims have to suffer with all these feelings and then work at it just to survive but we do. When I say work at it, I mean through professional counseling. trying to focus on the future and not the past. Learning to forgive yourself for whatever you are feeling ashamed of, because you didn’t do anything wrong. You have to learn to stop living in the past. You have to believe that this doesn’t define you, only the person that did this to you. All these things are necessary in the healing process. But most importantly the counseling is a necessity and to prove it – its been 12 years. So get the help you deserve and need and don’t let your pride stop you because it hasn’t helped the last 12 years. You either want a good life and will work for it or you can live in the past which can not be changed. I think you’ve lived there long enough, don’t you? Stay strong! Lynn
I’m reading over previous comments and I’m not happy, I’m hoping this will help people like me ….. I know this was a long time ago but I need to get it out there.,., 12 years ago my grandfather died, now we were close , so the only way I could deal with my grief was to drink a fair bit… I would never get too drunk to know what I was doing.. But on this occasion a guy I knew from the bars I drink in took it upon himself to “comfort” me…… Now as far as memory goes , I don’t remember leaving the club , let alone getting home. Woke the next morning with blood in my underwear…. And by the way I’m a guy … Now I feel ashamed and disgusted when I even look in the mirror, and this is 12 yars later… Does it ever get better
B. Let me start first by letting you know that in NO WAY was this your fault, not even because you were drinking. That is like saying that every girl that drinks too much deserves to be raped and we both know that isn’t true. Lets look at the facts.. You said you didn’t want to loose your virginity and that is saying no. The only thing you did (and it also wasn’t wrong) was trust him, as we all do at some point. Trusting someone is a good trait. But the fact that they violate that trust is all on them. So let me be clear YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE this and in no way are you at fault. He took advantage of you and your vulnerability. And you absolutely need to talk about it to your counselor. Start by saying that you do know what is causing some of your depression but you didn’t know how to bring it up but now you are ready and you would like their help. It’s as simple as that. BUT you must go in with the mindset that this was not your fault. Once you release those feelings it will help you overcome your depression. But that anger and guilt where it belongs – on the person that did this to you. I’m glad you are getting counseling because that already tells me how strong willed you are so now just take it to the next step of being honest and open. That is the reason it is still bothering you so bad. Once you open up and truly believe it’s not your fault it will truly help you! Stay strong! Lynn
I was seeing this guy for a while when i was 14 and he was 16. we would usually just watch a movie together and sometimes make out and cuddle. One night he brought out some vodka and we started drinking, watching a few movies and we began making out. He asked me to come into his room with him and at first i said no but then i agreed. I noticed i was getting pretty drunk and he was wanting to have sex so i told him i wasnt ready to lose my virginity and i wanted to wait until i had a steady boyfriend and i started crying. Thats the last thing i remember of the night other than stumbling home. I guess i blacked out for a bit (which i know is my fault for drinking so much and trusting him) but he told me the next day that we had sex. Ive been talking to a councellor latley about my depression but i havent been able to talk about this experience because i honestly dont know if its my fault, and if she’ll be able to help me get over it. Please help. How do i go about bringing this up? I havent ever talked about it with anyone and its been 4 years.
A. I’m pretty sure if intercourse happened you would know it, especially if it was forced. So that leads me to believe that it probably didn’t happen, thank God! Always be careful! Lynn
Hi, I am just wondering if there are good ways to tell if you were raped. A few nights ago I went to a club with some friends. It was out in the middle of nowhere and I had some drinks and blacked out. My friends say I wandered off twice and couldn’t find me the second time. I think I remember leaving, getting lost, and hailing a taxi to a park near my house. Nothing was stolen from me, which is a good sign that nothing else happened to me, I think. I have a couple big scratches on my thigh but that could be from falling over? I am really freaked out and never drinking at a club again.
Y. Unfortunately this happens more often than people think and the best way to help improve your future and put this behind you is through counseling. Not only do you need the counseling for yourself right now but you will need to know how to handle your daughter when she needs to know where her daddy is. I know it is hard but it is the best thing for both of you to have a good future. So go to rainn.org and try and find the nearest counselor to you that specializes in rape. The more emotions you let out the more room you have to heal. You obviously are ready for help or you wouldn’t have come here. So go get the help you need and deserve for you and your daughter. I promise trying to act like it didn’t happen or hiding your feelings doesn’t work, and all the posts on this website prove it. Stay strong! Lynn
hi 2 years ago i went to a going away party. i was only drinking soft drink as alcohol can counter act my meds . im still bit blurred bout what happened but one minute Im chatting to someone the next minute Im waking up in someone’s bed. i didnt kno where i was. 2 weeks later i find out i was pregnant. still to this day i Dont kno Hiw to let go. its affected my whole life. i love my daughter . but i want to get over it.
A. Unfortunately yes that was rape and one of the most common kinds so don’t feel foolish or ashamed. You need to know that this doesn’t define you, it only defines this person who did this to you as a rapist. Please don’t except drinks from men unless you are sitting at the counter and you watch it being pored or bottle being opened. Otherwise always get your own drinks. You need to talk to a counselor that can help you get through this, especially with the added facts that you were a virgin. The first step is to truly believe that this was not your fault. These people that do this are complete predators that like to be in control. That is what rape is – it’s not about you or me – it’s about being in control and how long and how many can you control. And everyday you let go by without seeking professional help through counseling/therapy is another day this person is still controlling you through your emotions. The best way to get back is work, really work for your happiness. That means getting your head on straight and once you do that there will be things you can let go of. You won’t forget but the power of letting go is worth every second of work you put into it through counseling and learning coping mechanisms that you can use daily. Then you will eventually start focusing on whats important – your future. The past can’t be changed but your future is wide open in front of you and he doesn’t deserve one more minute of your future. Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped about 6 months ago. I went to a bar with friends and had a few drinks, someone offered me a drink and I drank it as I was a bit tipsy by this point. I went very suddenly from feeling tipsy to ‘out if control’. The next thing I know a stranger is fingering me by the bar, I felt uncomfortable and went to the toilets. The next day my friend told me shed found me crying in the toilet even though I had no recoglection of this. After the toilets she went for a dag and I went to dance. The next bit is very blurry. Some guy lead me out of the bar and I tried to go back and tried to say no. He was very persuasive. I woke in the morning in his bed with no clothes on and bruises all over my body. I think my drink was spiked as I have no memory and think I passed out. So sure my drink was spiked. I’m 18 and that was me loosing my virginity – is it rape? The situation has been haunting me and I cry everyday.
T. This is exactly why I tell people that have been raped by someone they know to either report it or at the very least tell someone close to you that can help protect you. Also take the means to protect yourself through a self defense class. When you don’t tell because you are ashamed or humiliated then the rapist remains in control thinking that they can possibly do it again. That is exactly what happened to you. I understand why you felt this way but you must remember the rape doesn’t define you, it only defines this person as a rapist. You need to stop beating yourself up with feelings of humiliation and put all those feelings where they belong, towards him not yourself. You also need to forgive yourself because you didn’t do anything wrong other than trust this wouldn’t happen. As soon as you can do this you will feel better. Just think of it like as long as you are beating yourself up he is still in control of your life. Take back your life and don’t let him be in control anymore. Forgive yourself and look forward and not back, because the past can’t be changed. But you can take control of your future. If you can’t do it on your own seek a professional counselor that could help. But don’t let another day go by of him being in control of your future. Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped twice by the same guy. I was 14 at the time and he was 18. I blamed myself for a long time because I did consent to having sex with him the first time. The first time he raped me, he had brought over a joint and got me and my brother high. I later went to my room for something and he came in, shut the door and climbed on me. I clearly told him I didn’t want to. He didn’t listen and I felt ashamed, but at the same time blaming myself. The second time he called my house and kept saying he was coming over. I told him that he wasn’t coming over and hung up. My dad was in the hospital at that time having open heart surgery and he knew nobody was home except me. He shows up and brings a friend with him. He kept saying he wanted to talk to me and took e by the arm into my bedroom. This time was more forced and found out later he brought his friend there to watch and the friend told people he went into the bathroom and jerked off. His friend told some people what had happened like it was cool. I had to watch where I went for awhile because a mutual friend came into a pool hall where I was and ordered me to get into his car and and not to go behind the building and smoke like I normally would. Come to find out he and several guys were waiting on me and were going to have have sex with me. They had done this to acouple other girls. I can’t over the humiliation and disgusting feeling. I’m now 32
blue, first thing change your facebook or take it down altogether because anytime this creep contacts you it will be detrimental. Second thing is get into counseling. I can promise you going through the rape and every aspect of how it affected your life is harder than going to counseling. The sooner you go the sooner you will feel you have control of your life again. We all want to go back to how we were but it’s never gonna happen unless we work at it with the right people and the only people that can help are professionals because only they or other rape survivors understand and can help. Call your local crisis center or try rainn.org, both will work with the financials. Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped when I was 14 by a guy I had met when I was waiting for my friends we were gnna go to the cinema..I’d see him around before with people I was familiar with,, they were late so we went to his and had a drink.. I don’t know why I was so stupid I .. Well we listened to some music and he got me a drink, after about 20 minutes I tried to get up n I coudlnt feel my legs I fell over it was like I was paralysed.. He picked me up and took me into his bedroom n locked the door I won’t go into graphic detail but I was on my period aswell.. He raped me and for years I’ve been in denial and nt accepted it I’m 18 now its destr oyed my life my confidence is gone, he even sent me a message a month ago on fb I don’t know how he found me.. Telling me he didn’t do it.. But he did I feel I have to justify myself I shudnt. I don’t know how to get past this , I want the old me so do my family.. But I don’t know what to do anymore
A. He obviously knew what he was doing and i can pretty much guarantee it wasn’t his first time. You did the right thing by reporting him and now he is on the radar of the police as he should be. I’m horrified that they put you two in the same room, that is just unheard of. You need to get into counseling immediately because it is the only thing that is gonna help you get through this. Go to rainn.org and try and find the nearest counselor to you. Even the doctor who ran the tests might be able to suggest a counselor for you. Just remember the rape doesn’t define you just the guy that did this to you as a rapist. So get yourself into counseling and I promise it will help you deal with these feelings. And if you have triggers of emotions write them down so you can talk to the counselor about the specifics so you can learn to control them. And whatever you do don’t feel sorry for the guy because rape is about control, not you, and by him playing on your emotions is his way of staying in control. Don’t fall for it, this guy is a rapist. Just remember that. Stay strong! Lynn
I am 16 and was raped two months ago in a different country. I have been visiting this country for the past 5 years as my family have a holiday house there, and i have always found this place really safe. I was there with my mother, father, brother and two friends, we went to a series of local bars where a familier waiter followed us, we went to the final bar around 11:00 pm and around 30 minutes later the waiter turned up. My family started talking to him and he was really friendly, telling us he was only working for the summer and how he wanted to come to england to learn english. around 1:00 am a 50year old english man appeared with one of my parents friends he was really strange telling me he wanted to do dirty things with me while taking down his pants and asking if i wanted drugs i said no in disgust and walked away. My mum, brother and friend went home around 1:30, leaving me, my father and other friend at the bar. At 2:00am the waiter offered me and my father a drink, which we both accepted. My friend was in the toilette and didnt feel well so shouted for help, the waiter got my father and lead him to the toilet, while he was in the toiletter i just felt a hand around my wrist pulling me towards a grassy area by the lake, while i was being pulled i felt really really drunk and asif my legs could not hold me, but i did not drink. I remember being pushed towards the foor and horrific pain in the front, i tried to shout and fight but my body felt parylised. Then i was turned over and felt the pain in the back and i went unconscious. i do not remember getting home at all my memory was very blurry. My friend asked the waiter (who was on his way home) where i and my father was but he said he did not know he had to go home. Melissa went back to bar for help, while she was trying to explain i turned up asif i had just droped out of the sky she said. She took me home where i cried to my mum ‘hes hurt me mum hes hurt me’. My dad was missing and could not be found until around 5:30. My mum rung the police to say id been raped. while i was in the interview room a women came in to say a young waiter had said he had consentual sex with me that night, but i carried on to tell them that was i lie and i was raped, i went through test after test, and had to have an interview with my rapest they sat me infront of him face to face. the police was very currupt and i wanted to come home so i returned to england where i had tests and evidence collected, That night i was drugged with GHB and had 39 injuries to my body.
i need help trying to deal with my emotions ….
I really liked the waiter and cant come to terms with him being my rapest. The truth is i will never no the truth and whether it was him or not as his dna wasnt collected and that night i can only rememeber a presence. I feel asif i have a ‘Bond’ with him and cant release the guilt i feel. When we was in the inerview room he made me feel so sorry for him saying that he really liked me and hed never do anything to hurt me! am finding it so hard to come to terms that i was raped and not knowing the truth! x
S. Well I’m glad to hear that you want to talk to someone because that is exactly why it is haunting you this bad and for this long because you haven’t had the release and help you need through professional counseling. Let me give you a suggestion that I’m hoping will help you. You state you want to talk but you can’t. So start writing out your feelings. Write about what happened and how it has affected you. Write about the feelings you go through on a daily basis as you did here but be more specific, especially when you have triggers. Then I want you to go to a counselor and give them what you wrote to start your counseling without you having to actually talk about it. this is only for the beginning until you start to feel comfortable enough to talk and ask for questions and advice. The writing will work 2 ways, the first to help you get to counseling and get the help you deserve and need and second as a mental release so your brain gives you a break once in a while. A lot of the times I suggest writing like an hour or two before bed to see if your sleep improves. Try that and then get to a counselor because the longer you wait the longer it will take. And keep in mind I know you think talking to a counselor is too hard but truthfully do you think it’s gonna be harder than the hell you’ve lived the last 10 years? Just bite the bullet and do it, you and your life or WORTH IT! Stay strong Lynn