Advice for loved ones of survivors
Good types of support are:
Remain calm no matter how much rage you might have, because expressing these emotions to the victim may cause the victim more trauma.
Encourage the victim to receive medical attention, even if they don’t report it to the police the victim is entitled to a free medical exam which can provide preventative medicine for various issues as well as indicating any type of internal injuries.
Give the victim back control. Control to determine the next step, especially since control was taken from the victim through the assault.
Let the victim express feelings when they need to, without your opinion. If they choose to remain silent, just let them know you will be there for them and ready to listen when they are ready to talk.
When and if they do talk it is very important to maintain confidentiality. It is up to the victim to decide who they want to know about the assault. If you break their trust this can be very detrimental to your relationship.
BELIEVE the victim and let them know that it was not their fault!
Encourage counseling. Let them know that we as individuals are not “wired” on how to deal with rape by ourselves and to seek help from professionals who are.
Seek counseling for yourself in order to address the feelings you have without bombarding the victim right now. The victim needs to concentrate on getting themselves better before worrying about everyone else. Then after time with counseling you can decide when and what to discuss with the victim, if you feel it is even necessary at that point.
M. The best way is through counseling, bottom line. The reason he won’t go is because he feels shame. The first step in the healing process is to truly believe this wasn’t his fault. Once he is there he won’t feel the shame and hopefully he will ask for help. He is not going to be judged if that is what he is worried about. But if he is still tormented 8 years later it is just proof that he can’t shove it under the rug and counseling is needed. That being said you can’t force him he has to be willing. But I can promise you this the more he lets out the more room he has to heal and without counseling this is going to affect every aspect of his life at some point or another. And if he doesn’t think so and he thinks he can do it on his own, have him read the over 1000 post on this sight and he won’t find a one that the person was able to do it. And the longer he waits the longer it will take. The only people that can help is trained professionals OR other survivors as they have true empathy and can share their stories of what happened as well as healing. All you can do is be there to listen and/or a shoulder to cry on, which is good and needed but you can’t help with the healing process. If he feels he can’t talk about it to a counselor, he could write things down that are triggers or bothering him, or nightmares he is having and take that to the counselor to get things started until he is able to open up. But when he does it’s gonna be flood gates after keeping it locked up for so long, which is why he needs professional help. Stay strong! Lynn
My boyfriend just told me recently of an encounter he had when he was ten in which his older cousin sexually assaulted him. It’s been 8 years since then and I’m the first and only person he’s ever told. I’m not sure what I can do to help him process through this, as he’s said he wants to, but doesn’t know how. He wouldn’t go and talk to anyone else, so I need to know a way to help him. Any ideas?
A. The best thing that you can do is be there for her for support, listen when she is ready to talk and be a shoulder for her to cry on. Don’t ask details and be strong for her. She should get counseling and you can suggest but don’t force her because she can only go when she is ready. Let her know you are there for her 24/7 anytime she needs you. But let her bring it up to you, don’t dwell on it to her. Also, don’t act like it didn’t happen like you want things to be normal because that is the worst. Things won’t be normal for a very long time and she needs to know you are there when she wants to talk or cry. I would also maybe suggest taking a self defense class, tell her you would do it with her. Her life is going to change and she is going to go through different emotions. Just let her feel them because it is a way of dealing. The more she lets out the more room she has to heal. Locking her feelings up inside never works, she has to let them out. And most of all make sure she is safe. I’m assuming this is true since she is moving and that is an excellent choice. Try to make her understand none of this is her fault and she is not alone. And that rape doesn’t define her only the person that sis this as a rapist. Stay strong! Lynn
My mother was living in Cedar and had called me abruptly after mothers day and told me that she was moving back to Salt Lake City. I asked my mother what was going on but she continuously told me that she had encountered trauma and just needed to get out. I asked my mother repeatedly what had happened. After a short while I began piecing together what i believed had happened. I believed my mother was raped. Three of the biggest clues had came from when she visited my home last week. I saw a baseball bat in her car. My mother has never carried weapons. When I asked about it, she had said, “Aubrie, I am too weak to fight anymore. I cannot fight”. This made my mind race. Who, when, where, WHY?? She then told me a story about a recent incident with my Aunt but had mistakenly told me that her friend had provided my Aunt and Uncle with the information needed to deal with a person that has gone through trauma. Shortly afterward I noticed a piece of paper that had a Crisis Hotline number written down. I was too afraid of bringing up bad emotions that I had kept my mouth shut, thank God. Well… Today I get a phone call from my mother. She was distraught, telling me that she had been raped and that she is even afraid to leave the house in fear that people are able to look at her and they ‘KNOW’. I don’t know what to do. I AM ANGRY THAT SOMEONE PUT THEIR GRIMY HANDS ON MY MOMMA!!!!! How do I cope without getting in the way of her healing process?????? HELP
DM…I hear you. My (now) wife was raped over 20 yrs ago in very similar circumstances. We were together then and had been long before this. When this occurred I took the ‘high road’ and swallowed any rage I had….simply based on her request. Believe me, I had many conflicts about what “I” wanted to do to him. Although it is imperative to protect the victims…you must acknowledge that you are a victim as well. My life was forever altered that night and I was nowhere near the actual event. I would encourage you to seek help if you feel you need it. Support your girlfriend but you should attempt healthy discussions about both of your feelings. My soul rotted for 20 yrs as we lived with a very large pink elephant after our ‘dealing’ with the initial shock of the event. suppressing is not the equivalent of working through….and don’t ever confuse the two. I am still a ‘mess’ to a certain degree. Thankfully, my wife and I have begun to talk about certain things in a productive manner. I, too, feel lost at times and I still have days where I feel I might not make it through.
DM The only real thing you can do for her is support her which is what it seems like you are doing. She needs to get professional counseling but you can’t make her go, she has to be willing herself. Most people feel they want to handle it themselves and it will go away, but unfortunately it doesn’t. The longer you wait to get help the longer it takes to heal. You can only be there to hold her when she is hurting and an ear when she wants to talk, but you can’t heal her. She has to go through the right process and trying to shove it under the rug doesn’t ever work, as you will see if you scroll through some of the posts on my website. So I suggest possibly bringing her to this site so hopefully she can gets some ideas on how to cope and understand that counseling is her best option. But whatever you do don’t take matters into your own hands by confronting the person that did this. You both needs to stay as far away from him as possible. She might want to take a self defense class and/or get a stun gun for protection which will help with her sense of security as well. Stay strong! Lynn
My girlfriend and me recently got back together. This summer she went on a trip with some girl friends where they did some drinking. A guy she knew came over and kept asking her where her boyfriend was and she kept telling him I was on a trip with my parents in florida which I was. He forced her into a room and had sex with her despite her repeated telling him no and her squirming and eventually she couldn’t find and it happened. Her friends found out and she was too scared and embarssaed to tell them it was rape and just went along with it acting like it was consensual. A few nights passed and her friends left her alone with the guy and she raped him yet again… she said she fought less this time in fear that he would hurt her. She broke up with me after because she didn’t know how to break it to me and I was deeply confused. We recently got back together and she told me about it and all I want to do for her is make her feel better and be there for her. I feel angry at her attacker whom goes to the same college as me and I am deeply saddened by this and have no idea how to get both myself and herself passed this so we can have a healthy relationship. I feel helpless.
M. I know if you are abroad help is limited but there is an organization that is worldwide that you can at least check to see if there is someone near you that you could go see. Go to rainn.org and look to see if there is a counselor near you, it is worth a try. Hopefully there is and you can some how go because that would be best. If not one thing I would try is writing in a journal. I would suggest that to both of you because it is a mental release. It gets all those thought out of your head and on paper and if you do everyday, especially before sleep it will eventually help you rest better and the more good sleep you both get the more it will bring down your anxiety level. Now I wouldn’t recommend right before bed but like an hour or so before bed then do something that relaxes you and takes your mind of what you just wrote then maybe drink some sleepy time tea (valarian root) and try to sleep. Also take some melatonin which helps promote sleep. Seriously a good night sleep is so important for stress and anxiety. Secondly your girlfriend should also see a doctor to see is she is suffering from ptsd and if she is they can put her on meds to help control it, which a counselor can not do. Oh and if she agrees to write out her feelings she also needs to write out when something triggers her and she can take what she has written to the counselor which can help determine her triggers and the counselor can see specifics and try and help her with those. I would also recommend that she take a self defense class which not only helps her physically but mentally because she will feel more in control and it will help get her sense of security back especially while you are gone. Since you are gone she might want to consider group counseling. Most people are weary of this but it is such an excellent resource because you amke friends for life and you don’t feel like you are all alone or crazy because others have been though it and understand exactly what you are going through. Also let her know you understand is is extremely hard BUT not harder than what she has been through and it is a necessary step to tack back control of her life, which is so worth it. that being said you and I both know you can’t make her go to counseling, it is something she has to do herself. Also, let her know that if she took her life that they win. they also are winning everyday they control her life with these overwhelming feelings. She can not change the past but through counseling and possibly medication she can control her future and not let them control it anymore. You are a great boyfriend for helping her so much and I wish there were more out there like you. Stay strong! Lynn
Lynn, thank you will all my heart for your passion and dedication to rape and sexual assault recovery. My girlfriend was raped five years ago by her exboyfriend’s family member. She never told anyone and never dealt with it, and seemed to just push it to the back of her mind as though it never happened. She only told me about this about 6 months ago.
About three months ago, my girlfriend was sexually assaulted at night by three male strangers. Six sets of hands touched her all over and into her underwear. It was an attempted rape–they left suddenly when a car drove by. Since then I think this attack really brought back her rape and it has tremendously affected her life. She fits the symptoms of rape related post traumatic stress disorder. She can’t sleep at night due to intrusive thoughts and nightmares. And she has become massively massively depressed. She has become suicidal and held a knife in her hand the other day.
Back in college I was trained as a sexual assault educator and I’ve been trying to be there for her as best as I can. I was there the night of her sexual assault–I didn’t ask questions, I gave her all the control, I believed her, I took care of her and made her feel safe. I’ve been trying to help her as best as I can and explaining that its not her fault and that she will get through this. recently she’s been comfortable enough to tell her family which I think is a huge step forward. She has also agreed to start going to a counselor which I know will be a tremendous help. I’m just so scared because it seems she has gotten so much worse recently. I am so scared she will try to take her life away and I love her so much. She confides in me more than anyone else and I’m the only one who knows about her being suicidal, although she promised to tell her counselor. All of this is really starting to affect me but I’m trying my best to be her rock. I would love to go to counseling but I am abroad and it’s not an option. What can I do to help her? What do you think I can do to help myself? Thank you so much
Bl the best thing you can do is listen and support. Don’t ask questions, just be there when she is ready to talk. What she needs to understand is that every person that goes through rape needs professional counseling. That being said you can’t make her go, she needs to go when she is ready. What you can do is suggest that since this has been locked up inside her for so many years that is sounds like now she is ready to talk about it and since you don’t want to say or do the wrong thing maybe it would help to talk to someone that can actually help her get through this. Let her know no matter what you are there for her but you don’t know the appropriate way to help other than being a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, and that you absolutely will do that. She can look up a counselor in your area or you can go to rainn.org and find the nearest one to you that specializes in rape counseling. Remember the more she lets out the more room she has to heal. Thanks for caring and being there for her and also remember patience is a virtue. Stay strong! Lynn
Hi
My wife of 20 years was raped at 17. We have never really talked to much about but last night after we were intimate she started crying and talking about it and I comforted her and prayed with her but then said the wrong thing and she shut down. What do I do to help her if anything. Do I encourage her to talk about it? Do I ask questions to try to bring it out in the open? Any advise would be helpful.
Thank you
A very loving and concerned husband
Dave, my best suggestion is to bring her to this site and let her read the other posts. there are over 1,000 posts and there is not a one that states they were able to deal with it themselves. You won’t find a one. No matter how long ago it happened. We are not wired to know how to deal with it which is why we need to seek professional help. BUT she must be willing, you can not force her. There is some advice on things she can do to help herself but it never replaces what professional counseling will do. When she is ready she can call your local crisis center to inquire about rape counseling or she can go to rainn.org to find the nearest specialist to you. the only other thing you can do is be her rock and a shoulder to cry on as well as an ear to listen. Try your best to not push her and to be as understanding as possible so she will feel like she can come to you. Keep in mind the more she lets out via crying, anger whatever the more room she has to feel. If she keeps it in and doesn’t deal, it will be like a ticking time bomb. Rape is like a shadow, you can never run or hide from it. The only way is to confront it and deal with it head on (with a professional). Only then do we get the proper mindset in order to know how to deal with our future, stop reliving our past and realize that this is something we can handle. That is when the future becomes more important than our past and we start living that way. Stay strong! Lynn
Flor, thanks for the kind words that is very sweet of you. And it is very sweet of you that you want to help your friend. All you can really do is support her and be a shoulder to cry on when she needs it as well as lend an ear. It sounds like you are already doing a great job at that. You are more important to her than you know even when she does need her space. I know you want to help her heal but that is up for her to do herself when she is ready. You could volunteer to go to counseling with her (but you won’t be able to sit in with her UNLESS she goes to group counseling & you go with her). Maybe you could offer to take a self defense class with her. The self defense class will give her some sense of security as well as help with her confidence level. But she has to be ready and willing for the counseling. In fact group might be the better way for her to go because you can be there and she won’t feel so put on the spot. She would listen to the others and then realize she is not alone. She would make lifelong friends and be with others that completely understand what she is going through. Counseling isn’t easy but ultimately when looking back it is a lot easier than going through everyday life depressed feeling empty and lonely. You can call your local crisis center to find out about group rape counseling in you area or even try rainn.org. Don’t know if they have group but they can refer you to a counselor closest to you and I’m sure that counselor would have info on group in your area. Hope that helps. Stay strong! Lynn
my best friend and i are 16 and she was molested for many years and then raped 3 years ago by a family member. she waited 2 years before telling anyone and was trying to pretend it never had happened, but after telling her mother, thankfully the man that raped her was sentenced and will be in jail until he dies.
she told me a few months ago, and she has been feeling very down and having flashbacks. sometimes i can tell it is very hard for her to talk and she wants to be left alone. i always give her space if she needs it, but i feel bad that i cant do much for her. she is such a important person to me. i am really worried about her because she has already been to counseling before and it seems to make her feel worse, and numb.
it hurts me so much to see her going through so much pain.
i have been reading about PTSD and other rape victims, as i want to learn more about her situation and be there for her as much as i can. is there anything else i can do to help her deal with this?
also even though her telling me about being raped was suppose to be a secret i told my bf about it how this had happened to one of my friends, i will never tell him who, but i feel like i really needed to talk about it with someone because sometimes it is difficult for me when she tells me details about incident. i feel bad for telling him even though i didn’t tell him which one of my friends it had happened to.
(thank you so much, i appreciate what u do and i am so happy that you have healed after being a rape victim yourself, it gives other people hope that it isn’t the end for them, and i think you are amazing that you help others healing with the same experience)
JB, Unfortunately we can’t control what others do only ourselves. The one thing you need to understand about rape victims and their loved ones is that everyone reacts differently. the reason for that is that no one truly knows how to deal. A very common response is to ignore it, like your sister is because they think by addressing the situation it only hurts the victim or even hurting themselves because they love them so much. So my best advice is not to be mad at them because honestly they don’t know the right way. As far as your mom, she is in denial and that is also a very common response, especially initially. If she doesn’t make a big deal out of it then it won’t be in her mind. However we both know that isn’t true. Rape doesn’t go away, it stays with you forever BUT that doesn’t mean you can’t have a good happy life again. But I can promise you one thing it most likely won’t be happy until she learns how to cope with it through professional counseling. But remember you can’t control anyone else, meaning you can’t force her to go. She has to be ready. So all you can do is let her know that you are there for her day or night and you will support her no matter what decisions she makes because you love her. You could show her this website so she can research herself the feelings she might go through and read through others posts so she won’t feel alone. It will give her advice on how to cope but it won’t replace the professional counseling that she needs. So take that energy that you are using by being so upset and turn it into compassion and support for your mom. Stay strong and thanks for loving your mom so much to help her. Lynn
Hello, I found out that my mother’s flatmate raped her the other night, he came into her room while she was sleeping and the next day told her that she wanted it. She asked him to leave within a few weeks and i guess that he did it for revenge. She left a message on my sisters mobile stating what he did and she felt awkward about it and didn’t contact my mother. My phone is faulty so I never got the message but my sister told me about it 1.5 days later, not knowing if the message was a mistake. I called my mother imediately to find out that this was the case and she has now kicked the man out, but she appears to be coping by being in denial, claiming that his behaviour as a bad flatmate for many weeks was worse than the rape, and she is coping fine. I know that she is not as she hasn’t been home since and of course she isn’t coping, but I’m thankful that other people feel denial, it’s normal, even though I was confused at her initial response. I called my sister back to tell her what happened, and she is disturbed and disgusted, but does not wish to contact my mother, as she feels embarassed and doesn’t know how to deal with it. I suggested she ask my mum if she wants to drive her to the hospital for an examination, but she was hesitant to do so and my mum also said that she doesn’t want to have an examination. She called the police but I take it that the law is screwed up and this man will get away with it, as I think my mum will just want to forget about it, claiming she doesn’t need to talk to anyone about it. Living in a different state, I feel rather helpless and anger towards my sister for not wanting to have a part with it, she hasn’t even spoken to my mother yet and I can’t beleive she left it for so long before raising it with me. Please help me deal with this anger and helplessness. I feel like i’m the only one who is acting traumatised (whilst understanding my mum is in denial)
hi lynn
my girlfriend was raped just 2 months ago and she hasent reported it every time i ask her to get help she says she wants to deal with it herselth i love her so verry mutch and dont ever want to lose her what can i do to help her get over what has hapend to her pleas help as i dont know what is the best thing i can do to help her
T. The first thing you need to do is separate your feelings from the anger you have about what happened to her and actually taking your anger out of her (which is unacceptable). It will only be a matter of time if you continue to be “mad at her” that she will realize this is unacceptable too. It is understandable that you are mad at the situation but you can not judge her if you want to keep your relationship. You need to understand just because someone drinks too much doesn’t mean they deserve to be raped, so try and remember that. Secondly I can tell you are bothered by the fact that it happened on 3 separate occasions by 3 separate men in a short period of time. When a person goes through rape their entire world turns upside down and unless they can get into counseling right away (which most don’t) they tend to think they can forget about it (which it never goes away and why we need to properly learn to deal). The most common way to deal without professional help is numbing the pain, aka alcohol or drugs. Sometimes they even act out sexually (NOT in your girlfriends case) in hopes that the rape doesn’t ruin them sexually, or to take back control of what happened and try and move on. Not sure if you understand that but those are very typical responses albeit not healthy ones. In the case of your girlfriend she chose to numb with alocohol probably thinking that could never happen again because she still didn’t want to beleive it happened at all and then it did. After the 2nd time I can only imagine the guilt and shame she felt which caused to even worse numbing and then it happened again. So please know she wasn’t looking to go spiraling down the rabbit hole but that is what happened because she didn’t have the proper support system or know where to find it and was probably blaming herself therefore she probably didn’t even want to try and get the help because then she would have had to tell someone who would possibly judge her, which is the absolute worst response anyone can give. Hopefully I’ve shed some light and you can move forward by helping not hurting the situation. That being said she needs to get into counseling. She can go through your local crisis center or go to rainn.org BUT you can’t make her, she has to be willing and pushing her will not help. Stay strong! Lynn
Hi, my girlfriend was raped about 2 years ago. i had just met her around this time, but we did not start dating until after the incidents. she was raped by three different people on three different occasions. also, all of the incidents happened within a month of each other. She was very drunk all three times and was taken advantage of. She says she tried to stop them but couldn’t due to her state of mind. she barely even remembers the last one. i find this very disturbing and i cannot stop thinking about what she has told and described to me (what she remembers). the other thing is she told me this happened only a few days ago and i was very ill tempered. i know what i did was wrong yet i cant seem to help but get upset about what happened. i do not know what to do about this situation and am hoping that maybe you can help me. i care about her and i want to be able to support her in anyway possible but i can’t help but get mad about it every now and then. Please give me some advice so that i can help my girlfriend and not make things worse.
Hi Lynn, thank you very much for your advice!! I think she finally decided that she will seek for a professional help and I am happy about it. Things can get only better. Thank you again!
Her friend, It takes a while for us to get through the different stages of feelings including that it isn’t our fault. My best advice is to show her this website so she can understand what she is going to go through and that the best and quickest way to healing is through professional counseling. The quicker she starts the quicker the healing process and her being able to control certain things and feelings that are going to come up. She can find a counselor near her at rainn.org or even call the local crisis center or rape hotline. But you can’t force her to go she must be ready. Maybe is she reads all the posts here she will understand that not one person was able to deal with it on their own. They may have put it off but only to find out it gets worse and harder to deal with later. Let her know this doesn’t define her, only the person that did this to her and there is no reason to feel ashamed. Let her know that you are there for her but all you can do is support her not help her the professional way she needs but you will be there for everything else. As much as I know you want to heal her you can’t. Only she can. You can be there when she needs a shoulder to cry on and support her but she has to physically help herself through her healing process. Things will be better but only to the extent that she helps herself. Stay strong and thanks for being a good friend! Lynn
My friend has been raped two days ago. I still can’t believe it has happened. I am trying to make her understand that it wasn’t her fault. I have never been in this situation before. She hasn’t told her mother or anyone else. I am the only person she has told and I am just lost with what should/should not do. I am really desperate for an advice. I really appreciate your time and thank you.
Lee, First and foremost I am truly patting you on the back for your very mature and loving ways that you have helped her. She is so lucky to have you by her side. I would like to personally thank you as any victim would be so lucky. I think you have done everything right and truly the only other thing I would suggest is for you to get personal counseling as well. Tell her you will both get counseling, ask her if she would prefer different counselors or the same one, let that be her call. Let her know that you realize it’s not going to be easy but it will be easier than what shes been through. Let her know you aren’t going to counseling because of her but because you want to be able to deal with the situation as best you can in order to give her the best support. Let her know we aren’t wired on how to deal with this and you understand that professionals will be able to help you both understand. Let her know you are going because of the love you have for her and for your future together. Because she is going to have some rough points and you want to be the strongest you can be for her and you. As far as everything else you have told her you are right on. Just remember you can’t make her go, and if by chance she gets cold feet you need to show her strength by you still going. You are doing a great job, keep up the good work! Stay strong! Lynn
My wife has been assaulted three seperate times in her life. Once when she was 16 by some guy at a house party, once a couple of years later during a college party (drugged), and a third attempt a few years later. She feels responsible for these attacks and it doesn’t matter how many times I tell her its not her fault, she won’t let it go. The first one happened 14 years ago and the feelings she has are so deep and poisonous, I don’t know what to do to help her. Her best friend took matters into his own hands and dealt with the first attacker. I don’t know exactly what happened, but neither of them is here to tell the story anymore. She has never recovered from the first attack or the loss of her best friend. The second time, she was trying to protect a friend that had become drugged at a party. The next thing she knew, she was being carried out of a bathroom completely nude by her friends who were there to rescue her. She never knew who was responsible for that one. The third time, a very large body building type she knew, tried to attack her, but she flipped the script on him and left him hurt and in a pile on the floor while she took off. I have never pushed the issue with her because I didn’t know how, or even think that I should. I’m glad now after reading this that I didn’t. Last night, all these feelings started to flood back to her after we were intimate. I just let her talk, held her hand, and let her know I was there for her however she needed me to be. No judgements, no pressures….just whatever she needed from me, I’m going to be that for her. She keeps appologizing to me for being “damaged”. We talked about these attacks for hours last night. In each scenario I pointed out to her how it was not her fault. I told her, it did not matter what she was wearing, where she was, what she was doing…………..once she said no………that was how and where it should have stopped. I don’t know if I should have done this or not, but after she told me about the last attack, I told her how brave I thought she was. That is one of those moments that everyone says they will act a certain way or whatever, but you never know exactly how you are gonna act until it happens. This is a young girl who had been attacked twice already and is was being attacked for a third time by someone who is almost a foot taller and atleast 100lbs heavier than her. She attacked back in an attempt to protect herself and got away. Luckily she was successful and did not get hurt any worse. I can’t help but feel that she should look on that moment with pride because she had a chance to fight back this time and proved to herself and him, that she wasn’t going to be a victim anymore. I told her after we finished speaking that I was not going to push for her to talk about these things if she didn’t want to, but that these monsters had stolen enough of her life that she needed to take away there power and deal with her feelings. She said she thinks she needs to speak to a counselor, I agreed with her. I also told her I was going to learn everything I could about this, because i’m truly ignorant to the subject. I want to help her, but I don’t want to blindly “help” and make anything worse for her, she has suffered enough. Is there anything else I can do for her to help her try and heal these wounds, some of which are over a decade old? I truly appreciate your imput on this, thank you for your time.
K. First to answer your questions YES you can recover from this, albeit it’s not a short process through all the years and trauma you’ve been through. I’m so glad this site could help both of you and more importantly I’m SOOO glad you are doing the right thing and getting the professional help you need. YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER BECAUSE THEN HE WINS! I’m sure they told you rape is about control, not you or your drug addiction. Rape is about control and if you give up your life then he has the ultimate control and that is the last thing we need to give our attackers, more control. He took something from you BUT he didn’t take your life, so now it is time to take your life back and not give him another day, hour or minute. IT’S YOUR LIFE NOT HIS SO TAKE IT BACK! You deserve a good life so do what you need to get there and I promise it will come! Stay strong! Lynn
I really enjoyed reading this article and found it to be very helpful. I was raped about three weeks ago, but I didn’t tell my husband out of fear that he wouldn’t want me anymore. When I couldn’t pretend to be okay anymore as the trauma set in, I explained what had happened in my suicide note. I changed my mind about the suicide, but he found the note and read it. At very first, he gave me a long hug, then just walked outside and stood there. I gave him a few minutes then went out to him and asked him to say something. He said I don’t know what to say. I then asked him if he still wanted to be with me, and he said I don’t think I do. When I went into the bathroom with a loaded gun, he followed me and demanded I unlock the door or he was coming in. I didn’t shoot myself because I knew then that he cared enough about me to make sure I was okay. I was raped by a drug dealer, and have been clean since the rape. Once, he said just look at what your addiction has done to us. I already felt it was my fault at that time, and that comment really hurt me. I was already depressed and self-loathing, so it wasn’t difficult to accidentally push me into suicide mode, and I tried another time. I swallowed a bottle of pills. I never told him that his comment was what pushed me. When I got out of the hospital, he was much more loving and supportive. He has been to all of my medical, psychiatric and therapeutic appointments with me and on the visits that I wanted him to sit in on, he did. We have an appointment for us together on Friday. I hope that turns into his healing process that is separate from mine. Sometimes, he is a bit too affectionate for my comfort level right now and I don’t know how to tell him without hurting him. He is also being very protectful. I do realize that I am fortunate to have him because after his initial anger passed, he has become the strongest supporter of my recovery. He must have read some of these articles, but I’m going to print this out for him anyway. Thanks again!
M. I see your in a tough situation and I agree with you that counseling would be the best option, especially since he needs to make sure he stays in control. However you can’t force him. I would maybe provide him with resources, like a crisis center hot line and maybe therapists through his health insurance, even his employer might have an EAP (employee assistance program) which is free and completely confidential. Everything from his feelings to his relationship with his daughter can be helped by these sources. Anything else basically comes down to your support, understanding and patience from you. Maybe if he refuses to talk to a professional, you can suggest writing out his feelings as a release. He doesn’t have to show anyone or even keep them, just get them out of his head so he feels less stress. I often suggest if they consider counseling to even take what he has written if he feels he can’t talk to get the ball rolling. Something to consider. Hope all goes well with his daughter. Stay strong! Lynn
CL. You can’t force her but you can support her. She has to go when she is ready. Maybe give her this site info so if she comes here hopefully she can finds things to help her and more importantly realize the sooner she get counseling the quicker she will be on the road to a brighter future. She has to be willing to help herself. Maybe if she reads the post or even if you point them out she will know that no good comes from not getting professional help, only wasted time. If she is serious about getting help after her studies then support her and give her resources. Whatever you do, don’t ever act on her fantasy, this does not make a healthy relationship – ever, trust me. Don’t judge her, just tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable talking about it because you can’t think like that. I’m glad I was able to help. Stay strong! Lynn
Hi Lynn, this is a very helpful site. Thank you.
My girls friend was raped when she was 11, for a year or so, I don’t really pry, so I don’t know much about it, I just let her talk to me when she feels like it.
She also has the sexual fantasy of being raped like J’s girl friend. This is strange to me, because I’m a loving guy, and it makes me uncomfortable. And I’ve dated a survivor before, she was completely opposite and liked being in control.
My girl friend is currently studying and say’s she wants to see a chancellor after she’s finished her studies. I don’t think she’s dealt with her emotions at all, she’s very distrusting and overly emotional.
Is there some way I can help her deal with her emotions and maybe get her to see a therapist?
Thank again.
hi there,
i’m just looking for some advice regarding my boyfriend. His daughter was assaulted and raped by 3 guys last year, she is just a minor and one of the guys was a friend of the family, which makes it even harder on him. He’s divorced and his daughter lives with her mum in a different country and it’s been a tough few years for both him and his daughter, and when the rape happened he was devastated. Her court case has just been given a date and unfortunately due to work committments i’m unable to go to support my boyfriend, and he needs it so badly.
I don’t know what to do or to say to him as he’s just so upset by it all, and has a strained relationship at the best of times with his ex wife and his daughter feels he doesn’t really care about her. I’m afraid to suggest councilling for him as in the past when i had suggested he felt he didn’t need it and would know ahead of time everything a councillor would tell him. Is there anything else I can do?? I support the best I can I’m just worried about the case as my boyfriend has so much anger and frustration which I can understand. He know’s he has to remain calm and under control, but I do understand how hard it is for him.
K. I hate to say it but let your boyfriend go… The main reason is that we can only control ourselves no one else and I think you are putting too much info sense on him instead of yourself. I know it is hard and it’s not what I want to say but it is true. You can’t make him feel or do anything he doesn’t want and I can understand his betrayal – BUT I understand why you did it more. You didn’t do it out of betrayal you did it out of horror that this guy might get loose AND the fact that the police were telling you what to do which way out powers what your boyfriend wants. I get it, but now you have to get it. Take care of yourself first then once your head is straight you will determine who else you want or don’t want to deal with. Go to rainn.org and try and find the nearest counselor to you that is trained in rape or even call your local crisis center (who has connections with the cops & would NOT let this happen). Either way they can both be kept anonymous, but once you start counseling you will need to give them your name, but they can’t share any info you don’t want shared by law (if in the US). I hope this helps. Stay strong! Lynn
My boyfriend is having huge problems dealing with my rapes on many levels. Long story short – my ex boyfriend and his friend beat me up and raped me. The police were no help before it happened and he was breaking the restraining order, leaving me with no faith in police. After they were arrested (both now in prison) an official involved with the case told me he had information that could set them free and made me have sex with him over the course of several months. I was afraid to tell anyone and I knew I would get through it and leave for college a few months later. My boyfriend knows it’s not my fault but doesn’t want to be with me anymore for a few reasons, which he knows are unfair to me. He said he doesn’t trust me because I lied to him about where I was for those months and when he questioned me, I made him out to be a fool. He is hurt and feels I didn’t trust him to confide in him. He feels anytime he touches me now he will wonder if the man touched me the same way. He feels sick and like “shit” for feeling these things, but can’t get past them and doesn’t feel he ever will. He also feels that I had options that I didn’t take and didn’t stick up for myself. Ironically, when I did finally confide in him (because he found out on his own due to the rapist bragging) the police acted exactly how I knew they would (stuck up for their own) and when I finally went for an order of protection, I didn’t receive it because I was made out to be crazy (they believed I had become obsessed with the rapist after sleeping with him the night we met – a TOTAL LIE.)
I don’t want to lose my boyfriend but I also can’t heal when he is obsessed with his thoughts.
J. No this is NOT normal and is totally because she hasn’t dealt with the rape properly. You have the right idea to get her some counseling but she has to be ready and she might not take it well if she isn’t ready, so be prepared if you decide to mention it. What ever you do DO NOT act this mock rape out. I don’t care how sexual she is you need the right intimacy to stay together, and this is not intimacy therefore you don’t need to be a part of it. I promise you it will only hurt the relationship in the long run. Honestly, this is a major red flag for me and should be to you as well. If she won’t go to counseling, you can go to see what you can do to help her. Just explain to her that it makes you feel uncomfortable and you don’t want her to associate you with the rapes that happened to her. Let her know it is a huge turn off for you so you wouldn’t be able to please her. And I must say this type of behavior doesn’t come across as “well adjusted” to me…. Stay strong! Lynn
I’ve been seeing a woman for about 2 months, the most well adjuste, down to earth, mature person I’ve ever met. We connect on so many levels, and this is a relationship that I really want to work. I just found out that she has been raped several times over the last 10 years, I don’t know exactly how many yet or all the details, I didn’t want to pry to much when she first told me. The issue is that beening raped is now one of her biggest sexual fantasies, and mock rape is something that she wants me to do for her. Its something that makes me really uncomfortable, I want to make her happy but I really don’t know if its something I can do, most especially I don’t want to create any connections in her mind between those events and me. She feels safe around me right now, and I don’t want to change that. I also don’t want to change our relationship or how we act with each other. But on the other side I don’t want to lose her because I’m not doing enough for her sexually. I was wondering if this is a common reaction to rape? and if you have any advice on how to handle this, I’m going to talk to her about seeing a tharapist or a councellor. is there anything else I can do?
M. First of all if you noticed the changes in your daughter then why doesn’t your husband believe her???? Can you imagine how hard this was for her to tell you and then have your husband not believe her?? That in itself is almost a crime whether or not she knew the person or not, who cares? You should have respected her wishes to not tell. That being said it is already done so you have to think going forward. I hope to God you stick by your daughter since your husband won’t and I must say that would really put a rock between my husband and me if he didn’t believe, making me question why he automatically assumes the worst?? Sounds like he needs counseling too. Whatever you do DO NOT force her or ask her to ever discuss this with him again because he is and will hold up the healing process. Now as far as the police, unless there is something on tape there is nothing they can do without some type of evidence or dna, so if your daughter doesn’t want you to go to the police then don’t. I would however report it to the school, #1) to see if there is a tape and #2) to let them know there is a predator out there and they need to be aware. You can make this phone call anonymously if your daughter absolutely doesn’t want you to talk to the school or you can talk to her explain why and go yourself. As far as not seeing the signs, you did see the signs as a good mom, you just didn’t know the reason for the signs. That doesn’t make you a bad mom, it just means your daughter wasn’t ready to tell anyone. It is a very shameful experience even though the last thing we SHOULD feel is shame, that is the first thing we feel. Your daughter does need to go to counseling but she can not be forced. She has to do it when she is ready and unfortunately you can’t heal her only support her (as your husband should as well). Let her know you believe her and that you will always be there for her no matter what. If she wants to talk you can listen and you will be there for hugs and a shoulder to cry on and NEVER second guess her. She might not be telling you everything and that’s OK because at least she told you, which means she is starting to be able to open up and wants to but she will take baby steps. Especially because she is so young and this will affect her for the rest of her life. Doesn’t mean her life won’t be good again, but it will be different. One thing you can tell her is the longer she waits to get into counseling the longer it takes to heal and it will have a more negative effect on all areas of her life. Go to rainn.org and find a counselor nearest you that is trained in rape and won’t judge, that is who she needs to be seeing. And I can only hope your husband has kept his opinions to himself and if he hasn’t, tell him to do so! Stay strong! Lynn
My 14 year old daughter was raped on school grounds by a stranger after school nearly a year ago, he grabbed her from behind and dragged her to a nearby wooded area where he stole her innocence, she was able to get hold of a large branch and strike him with it and got away. She just told me about this yesterday, she made me promise not to tell anybody, but I couldn’t keep something like this from my husband, so I begged her to tell her father… my husband doesn’t believe her story and thinks she is covering up the true identity of the rapist…am I wrong to feel incredibly proud of her for keeping her wits about her and just be grateful she is alive? My first instinct is to file a police report and contact the school to see if any of this was caught on camera, but school hasn’t started yet, and my daughter is terrified to talk to the police. I don’t want to force anything and make this harder on her, but she doesn’t want to talk to anybody. This has been a long hard year, and I had been trying for months to get her to agree to counseling, even before she admitted to the rape. Her behavior is just so incredibly off…she’s had suicidal thoughts, the filthy way she keeps her room and her own personal hygeine- my sunshine daughter seemed to disappear overnight, replaced with an angry, hopeless black clad child…I tallied it all up to typical teenage angst, and I just wanted to get her somebody to talk to, and now I feel so bad for not seeing the signs- how could my child come home from school raped- forever changed one day- and I didn’t even know?
A. The first thing I would do is document who you talked to and go above their heads because that is bullshit. They are correct in saying it would be hard to prosecute without evidence but any officer that says you will go to jail should not be an officer. I would go over their heads and file a complaint and then look for a female officer to at the very least see if any other complaints have been filed against the person that raped you. That being said you need to take care of yourself and the fact that you are reaching out for help this quickly is excellent because you know in your heart you can’t deal with this on your own and really no one can (proven by all the posts here on the website). Go to rainn.org to find a counselor closest to you and let them know you feel victimized twice, by your attacker and the police. Or you can call your local crisis center and tell them the same thing. They usually either offer counseling or can refer you to someone that works with your money situation. Just don’t wait because it only gets worse and whatever you do don’t turn to alcohol & drugs because that is only a temporary fix that masks the pain at first, but ALWAYS makes the pain worse in the end. Try going to a self defense class when you can and in the meantime of seeing a counselor, write out your thoughts as a release just to get it out of your mind. You can take those thoughts to the counselor or you can trash them just get them out of your head to help with the anxiety. Most importantly, don’t give up on yourself. Know in your heart and soul this wasn’t your fault and get help from a professional. You will only heal as much as the work you put into it. I know it sucks that we didn’t ask for this and we are the ones that have to put the hard work and mental and physical effort into getter better, but we are worth it and it truly is the only way to have a better life! Once again I think it is great that you are NOT waiting to look for help, that is so brave and courageous of you. Stay strong! Lynn
my friend raped me last week i went to the cops and they said if they couldnt prove it i would go to jail cause i took a shower and waiting so long to tell them i knew they couldnt prove it i just let it go but now all i do is sleep and i dont know what to do
Claire, unfortunately if she hasn’t come to you, you can’t let her know you know because she will only feel betrayed by your mother. That being said, your mother on the other hand can suggest counseling. She can go to rainn.org or try your local crisis center or even guide her to this site. Your mother can say she was looking for resources to help your sister and your mother get through this. Your mom should not ask questions but should definitely let her know that she will be there for her in anyway possible. It is up to your sister to want help and to talk to whom she wants without any questioning or judgment (not that you would just saying). I know this doesn’t help you much, but your sister will only get better by the work she puts into it and when she is ready. Just don’t let her know that you know because that will just make more of a wedge between the 3 of you. Stay strong! Lynn
I recently found out from my mother that my sister was sexually abused as a child. She is now in her late twenties and has just now told our mother. Based on her behavior growing up we can guess within a few years the approximate age it happened but other than that we have no details. I feel awful knowing now that we were blind to all of her cries for help. Looking back there were definite signs that we chalked up to being a teenager finding herself. Our relationship from day one was not very solid, but it breaks my heart as her sister, knowing that she felt she couldn’t tell me something as major as this. She still hasn’t told me anything about it and refuses to tell my mother any more details besides that it happened. She says she was threatened by the individual who abused her and that influenced her decision not to tell. As she has gotten older she has progressively distanced herself from our family. I am worried that it might have been someone close to the family. I guess where I am at now is I don’t know how to support her and help her through the grieving process as it is evident that she is still suffering emotionally from this trauma especially since she herself hasn’t told me. The only reason my mother shared this info with me is because she wanted to know if I knew anything about it.
I just found this out a few days ago and am still a somewhat state of shock. Any advice on how to deal with a situation like this would be greatly appreciated.
B.S. The first thing you need to do is stop beating yourself up because you can’t heal her, because you can’t, she has to do it herself. That being said what you can do to help her while she is going through this is to be her rock. The only thing you can really do (and you should feel good about this and do it well) is let her cry without question, be her shoulder to cry on, give her space when she needs it, listen when she is ready with no questions and never ever judge her. If you can do that and I know you can then you are being the best you can possible be for her. As far as your she is concerned this is an extremely traumatic event that has molded her in ways that she can’t break on her own. She will definitely need intense therapy but she needs to want to go, it can not be forced. Unfortunately the longer she waits the longer it will take for her to heal and it will I promise affect your relationship. So if you want to go to therapy/counselor for you and your relationship that might set a good example for her but don’t ask her to go let her ask you. Stay strong! Lynn
Danny, I feel sooo horrible for not getting back to you sooner, my deepest apologies! To get to the point there is a website called rainn.org which is international which is where you should start to get your friend the help she needs and the sooner the better. In the meantime, give her unconditional support without asking her any questions until she is ready to talk. She probably already has by now but always just let her get it out the way she needs at the time, whether it be crying, talking – whatever because the more she releases the more room she has to heal. In the bigger picture have her take self defense classes when she is ready. Trust me when I tell you it totally and completely helps with your sense of security and it’s a great way to release anger bu beating up on the dummies!!!! Lastly, I want you and her bf to know not to go to the “coulda, shoulda, woulda” place, because there is no justification for rape and the past can’t be changed! Hope this helps! Stay strong! Lynn
Jon, Sorry for the delay I’ve been having horrible spamming on my website. I hope you are still checking in because you should have her try hypnosis. I personally did it myself and I can for the most part control my nightmares by waking myself up through hypnosis technique’s I learned. Hope that helps. Stay strong! Lynn
My girlfriend told me how she was raped from the time she was 5 until the time she was 8. Every weekend she would stay at her aunt’s house he would come into the room and molest her. Every chance he got alone with her he would have intercourse with her and make her perform other sexual acts on him. If she did not look at him he would hit her and yell at her. If she tried pulling away he would get rougher. She has told me some pretty gruesome details about it all. Her family completely turned their backs on her and when CPS got involved somehow the case was dropped. I want to know how to cope. It’s always on my mind. I want counseling but I don’t know what to say or how to say it. My girlfriend says shes isn’t ready for it. I want to be able to help her but I can’t. I’m making myself sick over all this. I want that person to die. I want her family to burn in the depths of hell. She was just a baby. How can people be so cruel? Please give me advice on how to deal.
Hi,
first of all, thnx a bunch for creating this site. it is very nice, supportive, and positive of u, n one can only thank to have ppl like u.
my friend just got raped. two guys attacked her, took her purse, in which she carried a copy of her passport n ID. they said if she dares to do anything – such as report to the police – they will find her and take revenge. first i strongly encouraged a report to the police, but now i dunno. btw, its an international community, its not in America.
she was already raped once before, n her bf is one of my best friends. i want to help them as much as possible.
what should i do? wut could do bf do? i realllly want to help them, n id need ur help. never dealt with this before.
thnx a looot!
You are more than welcome, glad the site was able to help. And for the record just follow her lead, when she wants/needs you be there and when she wants her space give that to her. Sounds like you are doing the right thing for her and yourself. Kudos to you! Lynn
This is exactly what I was looking for! Thanks for the advise. My girlfriend was attacked about 4 months ago. I finally got her to go seek counseling and she was slowly coming around (still not there). She was rooming with her guy friend and decided to move out which seemed to perk her up a little bit. Unfortunately she moved to a somewhat shady neighborhood and just a few days ago an illegal was drunk and tried to assault her with a knife (at her new place)…somehow she talked him down by having a cigerette and he gave her the knife. She called the cops! Today she went looking for new place and found it which I think is good that she’s not letting it hold her down. I hope I’m doing the right thing by not crowding her, letting her do whatever she needs, and only touching base with her from time to time. All of this is pretty stressful on my end because I really miss her and I feel like I’m not helping by staying out of the way or I don’t want her to think that I don’t care. I am on my way to counseling myself….hopefully to keep myself in check by continuing to try not to interfere no matter how much I miss her. This really sucks!! Thanks again for posting this information.
My girlfriend was raped a few years ago when she was 14. Whenever we sleep together, almost all the time she has nightmares of the event and cant get any sleep. Just recently shes started having the nightmares when I’m not around. She went 5 nights in a row without any sleep. Shes been to therapists and talked to other victims before but she didn’t feel it helped. This doesn’t affect her in her daily life just the nightmares. Sometimes its almost impossible to wake her from them. She doesnt want to see a therapist and I don’t have the nerve to encourage it. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Greg,
The one thing you need to understand before you say anything else to her is how would you feel if someone was saying that to you and you were in her shoes. We are very sensitive and sometimes overly sensitive, but writely so based on what happened to us. And if you really care you need to tell her one time, maybe write her a letter (if you haven’t already – if you have scratch the letter) to tell her how you really feel and explain any misunderstandings. Then let her know you will be there when she needs you and you will leave that up to her, and let it be. Either she will come at some point or she won’t. I don’t have much remorse for people that seem to pass judgment, even if it is a jerk reaction that you didn’t really think about. So respect her and do as she wishes, once you’ve explained. And if you already have back off until she comes to you. Her sense of security, honor, confidence and trust have all been stripped from her and it doesn’t come back easy. So if you really care give her time and space. Lynn
I think I hurt someone when they told about them getting raped. She was given the date rape drug at a fraternity social event from her date. I am in college and care a lot for her, we have had relationships in the past and i really care so much about her. When she told me, I was in silence, shocked. After a minute she asked why i wasnt saying anything and then said i was acting like a dick. I started to say that was how frat guys were in college and i wish she wasnt hanging out with them. She took this as me saying it was her fault, which i never meant at all. I dont know what to say to her to make things better and she will not talk to me. I just need help. Also, I dont know what I should do as far as the guy. I really want to do some damage to him, but I wont. I can be better than that. I just want to help her and let her know i am here for her. Thanks for any advice you can give me.