Types of rape
1) Sexual Assault (whether from someone you knew or a stranger):
Rape is an act of physical and sexual violence done to gain power and control. It is not a sexual act or act of passion. Approx. 80% of rapes involve non-physical force, just the verbal threat of injury or threat with a weapon. They use just enough force via mentally or physically to gain submission and then the aggression continues once they have submission. In many cases there are no bruises or physical injury to indicate rape because the rapist doesn’t want to leave evidence and make it harder on the victim to prove. Approx 71% of all rapes the attack is planned by trapping the victim, which occurs in date rape, aquaintance rape, or gang rape. Approx. 11% of rapes are partially planned. This occurs when the rapist realizes that the victim is in a vulnerable position, such as burglaries turning into rape. Also, rape most often occurs in the home of the victim.
2) Submissive Rape:
This is the most unrecognized and least talked about of all rapes. It is also very common because when some victims become so terrified they go into survival mode by staying as calm and figure out the best possible way to get out of the situation, even if that is to temporarily “mentally check out” of the physical act happening. If it happens to be a stranger, submissive rape is common because the victim doesn’t know if this person is capable of killing or not. Most victims of submissive rape feel this was their weakness and unfortunately usually have to answer to the people they’ve confided in and explain why they did what they did, when at the time they don’t understand themselves. Let me tell you, this is a strength not a weakness because the victim did what they had to do to get out of the situation, still alive (even though it doesn’t feel like it). You had to save yourself the only way you knew you could at the time.
Then there is submissive rape with someone you know, even possibly a husband, boyfriend or maybe an ex. This type of rape is very controversial because it is their word against yours and you may have even had consensual sex before. This is also the most common type of rape amongst married people and couples since they are hardly ever reported because they think no one will believe them. It is all about control, not you, remember – rape is rape is rape.
3) Drug-facilitated rape:
I can give some personal insight on this since it happened to me twice in my life. The first time I didn’t know what happened. Didn’t tell anyone and thought I must of blacked out and stayed in denial. Years later I realized what happened to me and dealt with both rapes. Drug facilited rapes are in rampage everywhere from your typical clubs and house parties to your neighborhood restaurants. It can be a stranger to someone you thought you knew or trusted. Their line (if you catch or know them) is always, “I thought you wanted it”! This type of rape is also rarely reported because it takes the victim a while to remember if they ever do. Their minds are so cloudy they aren’t sure what happened. So because they can’t remember all the details or are listening to someone else tell their side of the story they feel they don’t have a case against their rape. My best advice for individuals that aren’t sure of the exact circumstances, believe your gut instincts, because they are typically right. You may not be to account for every detail but a person knows when they have been violated. Just take solice in knowing that you will never have to re-live it. That was the one positive thing that I focused on. Instead of trying to figure out what happened to me, like if I’m all over the internet and how many people assaulted me (I had 7 lesions in my uterus), I focused on the fact that I will never have to re-live my rape. You should still try and get some type of counseling or have an outlet to let out your feelings, no matter what they are. This type of rape leaves a lot to the victims imagination, and the victim might think the worst. Every victim of drug-facilitated rape must remember no matter what the circumstances were.
I came to this site because i was raped a year and half ago. It went on for 3 months and i couldnt do anything to stop it. I havent dealt with it. everyone is acting like it never happened. I have no one to talk to about it. Its just stuck inside me. My mom “forgave” my rapist and thinks hes the greatest thing that has ever happened to us. My “sister”-i chose not to call her that because thats not how family acts-chose to stay with her husband, who is the man that raped me. no one ever asks me how i am or what i feel or anything. i moved out october 15 2009, the night after the last time he raped me and not one time has my family talked to me or asked me about it. I just need someone to talk to and vent to. I feel like if i dont get it off my chest soon im going to explode. I cant handle it anymore by myself.
T.
Well, the one thing we know is you can’t rely on your family for support. Do you have any friends that you 100% completely trust that you can talk to or turn to 24/7? All you need is one person that can listen and be a shoulder to cry on to help when you are feeling alone. The other thing and this is a must, since you were not only raped you lost your family as well so you are dealing with two major issues that need to be treated by a professional. You must seek counseling for this or you will explode and it won’t be pretty. You can go to rainn.org and find a professional near you or even call your local crisis center. You never realize how people will act and they never act how you would think. But the one thing I learned is I can only control what I do therefore my mental well being is more important than anyone else’s. So when I have my head on straight I know how to handle others or may choose not to handle them at all and just not let it bother me. You are in the right and they are in the wrong, remember that and take care of yourself! Stay strong! Lynn
i was raped last friday by a stranger who tried to kill me with his knife, it wasnt only rape he was chocking me to death while raping me and he looked like he was enjoying seeing me not able to breathe and fighting for my life an d crying in the same time, i havent told anyone yet and i dont know how to deal with it but now im pretending it didnt happen yet im no longer the same person i feel dirty and sad and i cant find a reason to live, this man had changed my life for ever
E. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I know what an intensely vulnerable time this is for you. You are right, this does change a person forever BUT it doesn’t mean you will never be happy again or stronger for getting through this. Trust me when I tell you that you MUST focus on the good and not the bad because unfortunately what happened can’t be changed so we have to struggle to get to our future and make it good again. Like myself who was left for dead the day I transformed from victim to survivor was the day I realized I was lucky to be alive and that is what I need you to focus on now too! This was obviously a person that could have in fact taken your life but you made it through. Even though I know your life has changed as in all rape victims DON’T let him control the rest of your life. Focus ONLY on the positive that you are alive and that is for a reason, so try and make the best of it because that is all you have control over. That being said, go to rainn.org and try and find a counselor near you. It is anonymous and the sooner you try and get your life back and the more you work at it the better the results. Meaning don’t push it down deep like it didn’t happen because that never works and if you read through the posts on my website you won’t find one person that has written to me that “pushing it down and acting as if it didn’t happen” worked for anyone. And the sooner you get help (and I won’t lie it’s not easy) the sooner you work through it and know how to handle it. Hope this helps. Stay Strong! Lynn
i wasn’t raped, but almost…this guy i knew for only a week, he knew that am going through some financial problem and he offered help. one day he came over to my house and while we were sitting on the couch, he started touching me and kissing me anywhere. i told him NO but he was so persistent until he carried me to my bed (am living in a studio type apartment), he undressed so quickly, jumped over me and started to insert his penis through my short pants trying to insert it to my vagina. at that time, i couldn’t do anything so i begged him to stop, i begged him not to give me more problems… eventually he finally stopped…
this happened last february and it was my 1st time to experience as such. in the first few days, that scene haunted me and i felt like i was sick or something. i couldnt tell anyone about it, i feel embarrassed talking about it. now am confused if i have to go to the police to file a report or just keep it to myself since he never succeeded in the first place. what should i do? pls help me and share me your insights. thanks!
I was raped… a year and a half ago… It lasted about 2 months, before i got away, having stayed out of fear. I was 19.
I don’t know where to turn to, as the last relationship i had, i associated my partner with the fears from before, causing me to withdraw from him regardless of the understanding and tenderness.
I’m approaching a new relationship, but I am too afraid to go through with it, as i am afraid of this man becoming an object of my fear. He has been a friend, and witnessed my struggles, supported me, but i’m not sure what to do about our love, and my fears.
The last thing i want to do is be afraid of him..
S
When I was 17 I was raped by my ex-boyfriend. I had lost my virginity to him and thought I was in love. He called over Christmas Holiday and broke up with me. He asked me to pick up some of my things that I had left at his parents house. When I arrived there were several of his friends were there. His friends helped him hold me down as he raped me. I was so scared that the others would also rape me that I became submissive. I left feeling that I had allowed it to happen because I gave up fighting. Im 47 now. I have absolute panic attacks when others get too close in proximity to me. I wonder if this fear will ever go away. Im not sure what it will take to have a normal relationship.
A. That is so horrible and I’m so sorry it has stuck with you so deeply all these years. I would recommend group counseling for you and here is why.. When you go to group yes the sad part is hearing the bad stuff but the good part is you realize you aren’t crazy and the feelings you are having are normal AND you might find coping mechanisms that have worked with others. I guarantee you will find at minimum 1 person you can totally connect with and survivors can help almost as much as therapists cause we know and understand like no others. Whether or not you go to group or personal get to a counselor and get the help you’ve needed and deserved since you were 17. You are worth it and worthy of a beautiful life, don”t waste another day. Be strong stand up and take it one step at a time! Stay strong! Lynn
I believe I am a victim of the date rape drug. I was at the club saturday with my friends and because i wasnt feeling well i had planned on only having one drink. which i didn’t finish. I don’t remember a thing from the night but when I got home (which I’m lucky I had made it home some how…since i still had my cab money i had put away) I had been beaten (i have a black eye and multiple goose eggs on my head and face, i have bruises on my arms like i was held down and scratches all over me) and my clothes were torn and my boots which had thick plastic heels were scrached bad like i had been struggling and kicking on a hard surface and my cell phone is gone. which is not like me since my cell phone is my life line. I believe in my heart I was raped possibly by multiple people. I am terrrified to leave my home. I haven’t told anyone other then my boyfriend who is just assuming I went out and cheated on him (which i would also never do!) and is using this as an excuse. I don’t know who did this to me. And I am afraid to go out even to get groceries or go to work. I am looking at everyone like they did this to me. I have never felt so alone. I am 1600 kms from my family and don’t really have a support system here. I don’t know what to do, or how to deal with this. I can’t stop crying….I’m scared….
I formed a relationship with a woman i met at work we have being together almost a year now and have shared a lot of our past i have been raped on 3 occasions and when i was 13 i was gang raped in a field by several men after telling my girlfriend this she revealed she too was the victim of gang rape at the age of 17 i had help to deal with my feelings and thoughts via a councillor however my girlfriend never told anyone before me and she says its a huge relief to tell someone and feels better just by talking to me she does hold an overwhelming shame in the fact she had her first orgasm during her ordeal she is now on sleeping pills and anti-depressants to help her although she feels better i think its also made her face that night and i am so unsure of how to help her more other than be there for her i am not qualified to help her but she will not go to a councillor she has become very dependant on me and says its because no-one has ever just let her be herself and helped her without wanting anything in return how do you think i should progress into helping her further or am i doing the right thing already????
S. You can’t go through life being scared of every relationship BUT you do need to be extra aware & ALWAYS tell your sexual partners you are a survivor of sexual assault before you have sex with them. It is one of the most important lessons ever that I learned and when I finally listened to my therapist I finally “got it”! Because if they can’t handle the fact of what happened and is a part of your life then you don’t need to be giving your body to them because we all know that we look at it as trusting them as sexual partners after rape… That’s not how they see it unless they know it and are willing to work through it with you. Seriously I know it’s hard but it is the right advice! Just remember the rape doesn’t define you, only the rapist as a rapist! Stay strong and take care of yourself. Lynn
A. I’m so sorry you are going through this & not getting the support you need. I hate to admit but unfortunately from all my experience is the one thing I know for a fact in most rapes are that the people you know never really act like you’d expect. Like some will let you down and some will rise you up but it’s not ususally the way you would think. Anyway I know this from personal experience & learned I had to take care of myself, physically & mentally. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying you aren’t entitled to crying and feeling what you need to get out. That being said, when the support group you wished you had & aren’t there for you then you need to get to a counselor/therapist like yesterday. You need to be in the company of someone that doesn’t judge, doesn’t push, doesn’t question so you can stop worrying about others and focus on your own recovery. You are #1! You are the most important & the most fragile right now so YOU need to be taken care of even if it comes down to taking care of yourself. Just because someone else may have let you down doesn’t mean you should let yourself down… right? Right! Cause YOU matter the most right now so stay strong and don’t give up cause YOU’RE WORTH IT! Lynn
S. Slippery slope so be very careful. The great news is you have a special bond albeit not the type you would want but it is a bond nonetheless. The bad news is it sounds like you are walking on egg shells on your part. How do feel about group therapy? If she won’t go without you, how do feel about going with her? I know it’s a lot to think about but she needs to get that just because you’ve also been a victim that doesn’t mean you are her therapist because you are also dealing with your own issues and you’re not a professional. At the same time I get the impression that you are a strong figure for her as you want to be, but that doesn’t mean you should take on healing her, being strong for her yes, healing her no, that is her decision. Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped over six years ago by a boy I went to school with. I was drunk and he carried me into his bedroom and took advantage of me when I was in a vulnerable position. It has affected me deeply and I am still unable to trust anyone, make friends or feel happy. I never told anyone about it until four years after the rape occurred when I started seeing a therapist. I want to move on and heal from this experience and I feel that in order to do this I need to tell people. I want to tell my ex-boyfriend who I had been going out with for a long time before the rape happened. I’m worried though because the boy who raped me is one of his best friends and this will cause him a lot of pain and I have also not seen him in a very long time. However I feel if I could get the truth out I will be gaining some form of justice and be able to move forward. I’m not sure what to do.
P. Are you still seeing a therapist because before I tell your ex I think I would ask the direct advice from your therapist. You have to look at the consequences in both ways of how it will affect you. I understand what you want to accomplish but have you thought about how you would feel if it doesn’t go the way you would like it to? I just am worried about you and as long as you have prepared yourself for the best situation as well as the worst outcome and you are sure you want to do this then OK. But if you are not prepared then I wouldn’t do it until you are. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what others think or how they act, because you are only in control of your own actions/feelings so that’s truly all that matters, how you feel. That is why I suggest keep going to therapy or start back up and concentrate on yourself. Like I said if you are prepared and feel strong enough & it’s something you must do then go ahead, just be positive you have thought it all out. Stay strong! Lynn
So, about two weeks ago my boyfriend and I were hanging out. To put it bluntly, he wanted to have sex, but I didn’t. I said no, and tried to get away, but after I while I just gave in and “checked out”. I confronted him about it, and he feels HORRIBLE. Our problem is that he thought I was just playing, and I wasn’t serious and he blames it on INCREDIBLY bad judgement. I know him, and it’s going to sound incredibly stupid, but I know he didn’t mean to hurt me like this. Our problem is how to get past it. How does he deal with the guilt? How do I deal with this? Is there any hope for us as a couple? I don’t know what to do because I still love him and I can’t tell anyone because I don’t want them to hate him for something he’s already beating himself up over. I trusted him. Every boyfriend I’ve ever had has either cheated, hit me, or sexually assaulted me. I finally thought this was my happy ending, but now this happens. We’ve dated for almost two years with no problems. Please help. I don’t want him to hurt himself, but I feel just as helpless when it comes to me.
last night i went out w my friends we all got really drunk, i met this guy in the bar and ended up bringing him home w me. We ended up in my bedroom though i told him i didn’t want sex he forced himself on me and then left. I feel so upset and dirty but more than anything i feel so incredibly guilty because i feel like i set this whole situation up by bringing him to my house.
I was raped over 4 years ago by my bosses husdand and nefew..I went to my bosses house to pick-up some papper work that I needed, they kept asking me if I wanted something to drink, I insisted that I wanted nothing to drink they brought me one anyway, the beer was already open I slowley started to drink it I got about halfway and started to fill as thought the room was spinning, so I went upstairs bathroom because I thought I was going to be sick, all I remember at the time was being on the bathroom floor and my bosses nefew coming in and grabbing me by the hand and leading me into a bedroom, I woke-up the next morning in thier daughters bed, not remembering much of ANYTHING it was like I blacked out. I had burses on my innner thighs and was very sore! I snuck out the front door and left confused! I had 15 missed calls on my phone, I’m gay and had been in a relationship with my wife at the time for 5 years which is now going on 9 years. I’m just now remembering small bits and pieces of that night and it driving me crazy, I can’t even get ready for work in the morning with out being hit with thoughts and memories of that night….I think the worst part of this is that I was really good friends with my boss and from what bits and pieces I remember my bosses husband and her nephfew took turns raping me while I lay their…I no longer work for her and we do not talk….I can’t do anything about what happened because it is to late, I didi not remember until years later and I keep having memory flash backs of the same things over and over agian, I have not told my partner and I want to tell her but I can’t!!
I was raped about 12 days ago in my own house. i was under the influence of vidicin because i have to have surgery and it helps ease the pain. my “friends” husband co-worker raped me and she watched and did nonthing about it. now i dont have a case because she refuses to admit she was at my house! not only that her husband is protecting a man he barley knows to keep him out of trouble. some days are better then others but mostley at night i just cry, because nonthing will be done to him. and how could a women just watch you get raped and do and say nonthing about it? i feel so betrayed and hurt. i dont know what to do! i can no longer look in the mirror and see somebody, for i see nonthing! i cant stand to look at myself! i cant stand to touch myself! i feel so dirty and worthless! and i know that its not my fault but it doesnt change the way i feel about myself. a worthless person uncapable of being loved. a nobody……
B. He is NOT the one. You can love him all you want but he is NOT the one. If you don’t break it off, it will most likely happen again, because once it’s his bad, second time it’s your bad. NOT meaning you asked for it, meaning you didn’t listen to the warning signs. It sounds to me like you are more worried about him than you, BIG mistake! Rape is about control, not you, which is why I state it will probably happen again. And being with him and accepting his apologies just because he is the first guy that never cheated on you is not thinking clearly. The easiest way for me to tell you, is if you had a daughter and she said the exact same thing to you as you did here in the post, what would you tell her? I’m sure it wouldn’t be to forgive him. Hell I’d rather have a cheater than a rapist for a boyfriend. Sorry but look at it as if it was your daughter. I think you would tell her get out NOW! He needs to learn his lesson by loosing you, and if you don’t leave him, the lesson will only be that you accept his control! Think about it! Stay strong you deserve better! Lynn
S. Stop feeling guilty because that is like saying that every girl or guy out there that takes someone home is looking to be raped! I know and understand why you feel this way, but you weren’t looking to get raped so place the guilt where it belongs on the guy that raped you. Have you gone to the doctor and gotten checked out? Hopefully you have to prevent any issues that might occur. Hopefully he used a condom, if not you need to get to your doctor and get checked. I hope you reported it but if not I understand that too. Just here on out you need to forgive yourself for bringing him home because that is NOT an open invitation to sex and once you say “no” it is rape and no longer about you but control over you. Try and at the very least get some counseling through rainn.org or try your local crisis center and they can either refer you or possibly offer it there, even if you didn’t report it. Don’t beat yourself, just take care of yourself going forward. Stay strong! Lynn
R. The reason you’re feeling this way is because your body is telling you it is time to deal with this. Something you can start trying immediately is to write out your feelings every time you get upset. Just get all those feelings out of your head and out on paper. This is not only an excellent release but if you decide to keep what you’ve written you can take it to your counselor to discuss in detail and determine your triggers & how to deal with them. Which is the next step, get some counseling. You can go through work ins or a work EAP, with some employers. Also, you can try a local crisis center to see if they offer counseling or can refer you. Or go t rainn.org and find someone closest to you. All options are subject to the privacy law, therefore discreet by law and/or anonymous. It won’t be easy but you obviously can’t continue to try and avoid it or act like it will go away because you are ready to let it out and I don’t think it should be to your gf yet… Anytime time you are in a serious relationship you must let your partner know what happened. However it is better that you know and learn how to deal with it before you tell them so they don’t feel as if you are turning to them looking for them to fix you. Trust me as much as they will want to, the responsibility is yours, for yourself #1 and for your other relationships (any type) #2. First, you take care of yourself and when you have your head together it makes a much better conversation and you will look like a survivor not a victim. You will determine then what you want or don’t want to discuss. You will know what you are going to say and whatever the outcome is you will be strong enough to handle it. That is when you talk to your partner or any other someone that you might want to tell. If it comes down to you just needing to spit it out, then say I was raped several years ago and I’m experiencing unexpected feelings right now. I really don’t want to say anymore right now other than I am in counseling taking the steps I need to in order to deal with this situation. Please be patient and thanks for understanding. Then if you need time alone she will understand, if you need cuddle time, she should understand and there shouldn’t be any pressure on you or her. And when and if you are ready you will know it. But get some counseling asap. Stay strong! Lynn
I. I’m sorry you’re feeling so down and understandably so, however I did find something positive in your message. You said, “I know its not my fault”, that my friend is the first step to recovery and feeling as a deserving worthy person again. If you know it’s not your fault you take the biggest step already so try and look through the ugly and look for the positive, no matter how big or small. Focus on that and things you can do to promote your steps in healing. You are still in the trauma stage and will go through several stages so as serious as you feel, know these feelings are felt by many and we get through it. Take strength in knowing you are not alone. Read through some of the posts to know what you are feeling is not crazy, its not good but its not crazy or abnormal either. Let me tell you another positive you have is that the sooner you get professional counseling the quicker you will heal. It is true the longer you wait the longer it takes because it is buried deeper. This is fresh and you obviously need the help of someone who can help you. So now is the time to do it and not give up on yourself. You are worthy and deserving of everything you want and because this happened doesn’t take that away from you (even though you feel like it) it takes that away from the people that did this to you and I promise, Karma will come back to them. Rape is about control, not about you, and that is what they did that night. So don’t let them control you, your feelings or your mind anymore. Help yourself, stand up for yourself and get help because the sooner you do the sooner you will be happy again. Stay strong! Lynn
It all began when i was 4 the boy next door would call me to his house and take me in yhe toilet where he would tell me to touch his willy and he would then take my pants down and put his willy in all i can remember is it hurts and i would start crying and he woul tell me that we are friends and thats what friends do and it was our secret.it continued for years and my mother’s brother too raped me once when i was 4 never told anyone.When i was 13 my dad tried to rape me but i managed to flee.When i was 20 a man called me to his car and he told me he was knew in the area and was looking for someone to show him around i got in the car and he drove me to the woods when i asked where we were going he started shouting,he said iwas a hore and was too black and was pretenting to be inocent and no body cared about people like me.he forced me to say i loved him and wanted him to give me his baby.he forced me to do a blow job and say i liked his willy.my heart was already pounding and knew that he was going to rape me on kill me.he stopped the car in the middle of noway and he got out of the and went in his boot all i could here was noises as if he was looking for a weapon.i knew i could’nt get out ran so i stayed when he got in the car he had a garden fork in his hand and told me to take my pants of i did then he raped me we drove to another area and stopped and raped me again.he said it was my fault i was the one who had aproached him i had bled the first time so through my pantie outside.i wanted him to love me and apologise so i agreed to meet him the nexst day becoz i thought he would have come to his sences.i took my younger sister with me. we drove to the same place and told my sister that i had aprouched him for sex.iwas very disapointed.he started saying my sister was beautifull than me and he liked her.he stopped the car and had sex with my sister whilest i was watching.the other on was just 6months after that encounter.i went to my boyfriend’s house and he was not there so his friends took advantage of me when i was drunk.they raped me.
Special One, I’m so sorry to hear all this and you MUST seek counseling as soon as you possible can. This is such a serious deep rooted thing because it started at 4 and at such a young age you wouldn’t really know the difference between right or wrong, just by trusting and this has given you a mindset that has lasted throughout your life. Sex does not mean love. Please remember that. Respect of a persons body and mind is the start of love and without that there is no love involved. Remember respect, respect, respect, if you don’t have that you have nothing. Call your local crisis center and either see if they can offer free counseling or refer you to someone. You can try your church if you have one or even go to rainn.org and find the closest counselor to you but YOU MUST get professional help in order to stop this abuse from happening any longer. Can you take a self defense class because that would help as well and lastly until you can get help I would not be drinking any alcohol or using drugs because that can make you vulnerable in situations and you don’t need that anymore. Please try and get counseling immediately! Stay strong! Lynn