Types of rape
1) Sexual Assault (whether from someone you knew or a stranger):
Rape is an act of physical and sexual violence done to gain power and control. It is not a sexual act or act of passion. Approx. 80% of rapes involve non-physical force, just the verbal threat of injury or threat with a weapon. They use just enough force via mentally or physically to gain submission and then the aggression continues once they have submission. In many cases there are no bruises or physical injury to indicate rape because the rapist doesn’t want to leave evidence and make it harder on the victim to prove. Approx 71% of all rapes the attack is planned by trapping the victim, which occurs in date rape, aquaintance rape, or gang rape. Approx. 11% of rapes are partially planned. This occurs when the rapist realizes that the victim is in a vulnerable position, such as burglaries turning into rape. Also, rape most often occurs in the home of the victim.
2) Submissive Rape:
This is the most unrecognized and least talked about of all rapes. It is also very common because when some victims become so terrified they go into survival mode by staying as calm and figure out the best possible way to get out of the situation, even if that is to temporarily “mentally check out” of the physical act happening. If it happens to be a stranger, submissive rape is common because the victim doesn’t know if this person is capable of killing or not. Most victims of submissive rape feel this was their weakness and unfortunately usually have to answer to the people they’ve confided in and explain why they did what they did, when at the time they don’t understand themselves. Let me tell you, this is a strength not a weakness because the victim did what they had to do to get out of the situation, still alive (even though it doesn’t feel like it). You had to save yourself the only way you knew you could at the time.
Then there is submissive rape with someone you know, even possibly a husband, boyfriend or maybe an ex. This type of rape is very controversial because it is their word against yours and you may have even had consensual sex before. This is also the most common type of rape amongst married people and couples since they are hardly ever reported because they think no one will believe them. It is all about control, not you, remember – rape is rape is rape.
3) Drug-facilitated rape:
I can give some personal insight on this since it happened to me twice in my life. The first time I didn’t know what happened. Didn’t tell anyone and thought I must of blacked out and stayed in denial. Years later I realized what happened to me and dealt with both rapes. Drug facilited rapes are in rampage everywhere from your typical clubs and house parties to your neighborhood restaurants. It can be a stranger to someone you thought you knew or trusted. Their line (if you catch or know them) is always, “I thought you wanted it”! This type of rape is also rarely reported because it takes the victim a while to remember if they ever do. Their minds are so cloudy they aren’t sure what happened. So because they can’t remember all the details or are listening to someone else tell their side of the story they feel they don’t have a case against their rape. My best advice for individuals that aren’t sure of the exact circumstances, believe your gut instincts, because they are typically right. You may not be to account for every detail but a person knows when they have been violated. Just take solice in knowing that you will never have to re-live it. That was the one positive thing that I focused on. Instead of trying to figure out what happened to me, like if I’m all over the internet and how many people assaulted me (I had 7 lesions in my uterus), I focused on the fact that I will never have to re-live my rape. You should still try and get some type of counseling or have an outlet to let out your feelings, no matter what they are. This type of rape leaves a lot to the victims imagination, and the victim might think the worst. Every victim of drug-facilitated rape must remember no matter what the circumstances were.
C. Well I hope by you coming here you are acknowledging that you need help to deal with all that has happened to you. More importantly I want you to know that YOU ARE WORTH IT AND A HAPPY LIFE! So your first step is to call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor that specializes in what you have been through. Just get into counseling as soon as possible. If you don’t think you can afford it there are options just ask and they are willing to help. Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped when I was 15 in my church by my mentor’s husbands friend. I felt so special and wanted after months of trying to be strong for myself. I came from a really broken home with years of abuse. I wanted to be strong,everyone I trusted seemed distant and He wanted to help me. He was told to stay away but he didn’t. I was told too when he began trying to flirt with me. I thought I could handle him after all we were friends. He led me away to a room for privacy. I knew deep down that he wanted me. When no one else seemed too. It was nothing I expected because I didn’t do much just let him do what he wanted. I shut myself down to him. I just felt so alone and depressed. That I didn’t care. I waited for him to be done like every other guy. Yes I have just let older guys use me. That’s the way things were most my life, being used one way or another. Its all I knew. There were 7 and 12 by age 16. I felt so low even after. I was lost. I did pretend to be someone I wasn’t a lot because I neeeded to feel something else.I wanted to be anyonebut myself, because me wasn’t good enough.
M. It is a process and it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Don’t stop seeing the counselor even though you don’t think it’s helping. If you don’t like your counselor maybe you can switch. Have you tried group counseling? Everyone cringes when I suggest that but everyone that goes says they wish they would have went sooner. You bond with others that have been through what you have and you will make friends for life. You won’t feel so alone and you won’t feel like you are going crazy with emotions that no one else understands. It is well worth it just to be able to have others truly say, “I know how you feel”. I was in counseling for an entire year before I stopped and I now know that I wouldn’t be here doing what I’m doing with out it. As far as your night terrors, try writing out your thoughts before bed. Doesn’t matter what they are just get everything out of your head and onto paper. If you do this every night it will help improve your sleep. If you wake up in the middle of the night scared, write out your thoughts then too and you can even discuss these with your counselor. Once you are done getting everything out of your head try some relaxing yoga which will also help improve your sleep. Lastly, try not to worry too much about the past because it can’t be changed. Try and stay focused on your future what you do have control over. You might want to think about taking a self defense class to help with your sense of security and confidence level. Hope this helps. Stay strong! Lynn
I’m 15 years old and was raped almost 5 months ago. (When I was 14). *I’m going to use all fake names* I was with Brandon and Holly, Adam, and Penelope one day and we went to the beach. My friends knew who Brandon was because he threw a lot of parties at his house, but I never met him before that day. And when we went to the beach Brandon gave me these anti-anxiety pills called Lorazepam and I didn’t really feel anything from them. Then me and Penelope went to the people she babysits for house because she had to babysit. And I was looking through their medicine cabinet when i found the same pills so I took a few more. Then after we were done babysitting we had a plan to have a bonfire at my house. Danny who was this guy I liked, who’s now my boyfriend picked me up from her house so we could go get a pack of smokes and I wanted to talk to him because I liked him. So me and Danny ended up doing that then went to my house and I started drinking some alcohol I had then Penelope came over and she invited Brandon from earlier over and he brought some friends and we started drinking more because he brought a bottle. And I kept going up to my room with Danny so I could talk to him and shit. But the Brandon kept getting mad because I was suppose to host the party. And right when they wanted to leave Danny had to leave. So I decided I was going to go with to the party at Brandon’s, but before we left I had to go inside and get my phone and Brandon followed me and tried to kiss me and I pushed him off and he left me alone. Then I had to sit on his lap in the car. And that’s when I started blacking out because of the mixture of the alcohol and the pills. When we got to his house I remember asking him if i could lay down because I didn’t feel good so he took me in his room and I remember him pushing me down on this couch thing and stripping my cloths off and I tried fighting him but I remembered from people telling me earlier that he was crazy and he would hit me back if i hit him, also that someone told me he had a gun, or he said he had a gun I can’t really remember that part all I know is that I felt threatened, and when I tried to scream for help no one heard me because the music was too loud and he screamed at me to stfu. So I got even more scared. And then he held me down and raped me. And I was crying and started to puke all over myself and the floor and on him. And I remember asking for Penelope because i wanted to go home but he told me not to leave his room or else everyone would make fun of me. Call me a whore and stuff. Then after that I blanked out again. But my friends who were at the party filled me in. They said I came out of the room collapsed on Holly started crying telling her i was raped. And then Adam took me outside because I had to puke again. And another friend of mine Tyler brought me home and on the way home I had to puke again so they stopped the car and Adam had to carry me down the road. Then we finally got to my house and they took me to my room and I was crying asking for Danny. But then my Dad came home and everyone told him the reason I was crying was because my boyfriend broke up with me or something then the cops showed up at my house because my friend Nathan called the cops for me and my dad found out what really happened. I had to take a breathalizer and sit in the back of a squad car until I calmed down then my friend Leah came over and stayed with me when I had to go to the hospital. After that everything calmed down. I got home and Danny came over and comforted me and we started dating and we’re still together now. Brandon is in jail and is facing two 10 year prison sentences because I found out he raped a 16 year old girl before me. By the way Brandon is 19 years old. Everything is getting better. But I can’t really handle it anymore I keep having crying spells, and my parents and friends act different with me. I get night terrors and am Belimic. I can’t sleep and I have flash backs all the time. I talk to a counselor and take anti-depressents but nothing seems to help. I still feel worthless and disgusting. I feel like i could have prevented all of this. And I just don’t know where to look for help anymore.
J. I am more concerned with your life and the life ahead of you than I am their marriage. I’m not saying it isn’t important by any means. But what I am saying is that if your step father really loves your mom then it won’t ruin their marriage. That being said because it was so long ago unless you have any evidence you will need to make sure the person you told would be willing to testify because it is basically your word against his. I’m just being brutally honest. Because you were a minor it should they should give the case the respect it deserves, but they can’t do anything really without evidence. Not trying to deter you from speaking up because you probably weren’t the first or the last, to be honest. But if you have 2 people to testify then it makes your fight a little more substancial. At the very least what ever you do, get some counseling, especially if you are having flashbacks and nightmares. Every rape victim needs professional help, so get it because you and your future are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped when I was 14, 6 years ago, by my stepbrother. He moved away, and I didn’t tell anyone about it until a year after the fact. After a few years, I thought I had dealt with it, then we moved (last year) and now I get nightmares every night, debilitating anxiety, and flash backs. I want to go to the cops and make him pay for what he’s done but, if I do that, I put my mom and my stepfather’s marriage in jeopardy. They just bought a house. I don’t want to ruin their marriage.
N. I know you think that is difficult but let me tell you what most likely will happen which will be much more difficult. You need to understand rape is about control not you. So the fact that you aren’t going to tell anyone because you will fell judged or not understood is exactly what he expects you to do AND will prove to him that he is on control. Then once he knows that you won’t tell and realizes he is in control AND will still see you means in his mind that he can do it again and when he wants because he knows you are to scared to tell. That is exactly how people get raped repeatedly by the same person that they most likely know. So YOU CAN”T fall into this trap. You are the only one that can stop him and you MUST take care of yourself. Not telling anyone isn’t taking care of yourself it is letting him be in control. Do you understand? If you are in school and can’t tell your parents tell a guidance counselor. Call your local crisis center AND PLEASE don’t wash your clothes that you had on. There can be so many different things they can trace even if you took a shower. Even if you don’t want to tell the police keep the clothes in a bag hidden in case you change your mind. I can almost promise you this isn’t the first time he has done this. So what if you do tell and you find out he has done this before to others, then people would believe you. But it really isn’t about who believes you or not, it’s about taking care of yourself so this doesn’t happen again and making sure he knows he is not in control of you and that he can’t get away with this. PLEASE tell someone that can help. Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped yesterday, it’s hard to explain and it’s just my word against his.
His parents went away and he was meant to be a friend, I’d spoke to him for a good year or so and went to school with his brother.
I liked him and he seemed like a decent guy and we were just cuddling and when I started to fall to sleep he started kissing me and I told him no and every time he tried to put his hands on me I pushed him off, then he grabbed my hands and pinned me down. I was telling him to stop it and no and that he was really hurting me. Then I just switched off, I couldn’t fight back I was scared and I had lied about where I was and I didn’t know what could happen.
I can’t tell anyone, I’m ashamed. I can’t get the guts to be told by people I’m lying. It’s something that will destroy me inside for a long time and I won’t be able to cope with but there isn’t anything I can do.
But I was so scared, so scared and the worst thing is I’ll still see him around all the time when I’m with some friends or at a party and I’m just going to have to stand there and know what he did and know he knows and thinks it’s fine.
C. First let me expalin that rape is about control and I believe that is why you let her do it to you for 3 months. You said you don’t know why you went back, well probably because she said she would kill you and herself. That is enough to scare anyone into doing something. In your subconscious you thought the rape is better than anyone dying, don’t you think? So stop blaming yourself because as you said you were being emotionally tortured, it’s not your fault and you didn’t do anything wrong. There is no question in my mind that you need to get professional counseling like yesterday. Call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and they can tell you a specialist that is nearest you that deals with rape and work with you on the fees. Your dad doesn’t want to beleive it, nor do your friends so they just block it out thinking if they don’t bring it up it won’t bother you. Unfortunately, we can’t do this and they don’t realize it hurts us even more. That’s why you need the support of someone that does understand, a counselor/therapist. Trust me this will haunt you like a shadow for the rest of your life if you don’t so it’s up to you. It’s not easy but when you finally open up to someone that sympythises and supports you and helps you get back on track you will start to regain the life back that you need and deserve. Stay strong! Lynn
My story is rather different than the other amazing strong people on this website, but maybe if I share mine it will help me to cope. When I was 15 I was forced into a situation with someone who i had thought was my bestfriend. Every weekend when I babysat at my neighbors she would come over and we would hang out as usual, but one night everything changed when she said she was a lesbian and that she was in love with me. I told her that I did not have the same feeling and right in front of me she began to start popping multiple prescription pills and said she was going to kill me & then herself unless I agreed to do what she said. A few minutes later she raped me. My body completely shut down I didn’t fight, i didn’t blink, I just felt dead. This continued to happen almost every weekend for 3 months. I don’t know why I didn’t tell anyone. I don’t know if it was because I convinced myself it didn’t happen, or the fact she was my best and only friend, or the fact that I didn’t want anyone to think I was a lesbian. The main reason I think I didn’t say anything was because I come from a very strict christian home and my parents had told me they didn’t like me hanging out with her since she was 4 years older than me and I thought they would blame the whole thing on me & force me out of the activities that I was in as a punishment. Anyways, after she raped continuosly for 3 months straight, abused me physically in public, and emotionally tortured me, I decided to tell a member of the performing group I was in who came to be one of my very close friends I also told the director of the group. I did this because she was once I member of the group and came back every once and a while to see how the group was going. I couldn’t take her being around, I considered suicide. I don’t know if they overheard me talking or if someone said something but eventually the entire group found out what had happened to me. At first they were very supportive, but after a week or so it’s like they forgot all about it. I had no one to turn to. I hated the way I looked because everytime I look in the mirror all I see is her and not me. I became bulimic. i didn’t want to be that person that was victimized I didn’t want to feel the pain. I convinced myself it never happened. I never saw her, so it worked…for a while. 2 years after the incident (earliar this year) I kept getting horrible nightmares of her raping me. Everything in my daily life would remind me of her. I cried for days straight. Finally I told my dad. He sat and cried with me for a little bit, offered to call the cops. But it was too late, plus I don’t have any evidence. The next day I woke up and it was like I never told me dad, I sit in my room in tears sometimes and he yells at me to stop crying and asks whats wrong even though he already knows. I’m not sure if he just is trying to forget the event like i tried to. i don’t know. But my friends are hanging out with her again like nothing ever happened and I keep seeing her places. I can’t take it. I know that I am 18 now and I should be able to leave what happened in the past, but the nightmares, and seeing her, and just looking in the mirror all remind me of the horror. I will be having a great day and the just hear her name and get completley sick and start to cry. I don’t want to live this way, I feel like I can’t trust anybody. But I don’t know what to do. My mom still doesnt know because I don’t think she could handle it and I don’t want to hurt her. I also blame myself because the girl who did this is about to graduate with a teaching degree. what if she does this to other little kids? i feel like it would be my fault for not reporting her..I just want my life back..
Hi, Thank you so much for being there for all these people! Thankfully what I have experienced is nothing compared to what people are facing today. From the time was was around 11 I was constantly taken advantaged of by older men up untill the age of 17. The first time I had sex I was 16 I was taken into the forest by one of my friends who was ment to take me home and when I realized the situation I was in I didn’t fight back because I knew there was no way out. Thankfully because of my reaction I came out of that situation with out getting hurt or killed. I’m thankful for the support I had and I’m studying to do trauma counseling so I can support others.
X. First know that it is in fact rape if you aren’t coherent to give permission. And this person obviously took advantage of you and your “out of it state”, so try your best to not let this define you but the asshole that did this to you. Thye want us to beat ourselves up and think it’s our fault because we drank too much which is why they prey on us then because that is their “out” so to speak to put the blame on us. Rape is about control not you and they want to control us by saying we wanted it or it didn’t say no or whatever. So you can’t let these feelings control you or he still wins. Take those feelings and put them on him in your mind and mentally beat him up (obviously I’m not saying do it literally because you need to stay as far away as you can). I’m just saying all those bad feelings belong being focused at him not you. Call your local crisis center or even contact rainn.org to find a counselor nearest you but just get into counseling and talk to them about how to deal with the rape and even your boyfriend. If you really love your boyfriend you will need to tell him at some point but only when you are mentally ready to deal with whatever reaction occurs. Just remember people that haven’t been through it don’t understand BUT hopefully they will support you and try to understand what you need. A lot of people don’t know how to deal and think about how it affects them more than what you are going through and this is common, it doesn’t make them bad, they just are hurt and don’t know how to act. And you need to always put yourself first and them second. Remember that. That’s why you need counseling pronto because when you can get your head wrapped around it mentally then you can deal with others better. Stay strong! Lynn
hi. i was raped 4 days ago. i was at a friends house, she had a dinner party, i drank too much and blacked out. when i came to one of the guys from earlier was on top of me. i told him to stop, i told him i had a boyfriend and he continued doing what he was doing and saying vulgar things and i couldn’t fight him off i have no idea what happened before i came to and i am desperately trying to convince that no matter what happened it wasn’t my fault. i had horrific bruising on my throat that i believe were hickies but i also had bruising on my arms and legs from trying to get him away. i am terrified to tell my boyfriend. he’s an amazing guy but as you mention in other posts, you just don’t know how people are going to react. in addition to the fear of his reaction, i am dealing with the fear of other things such as stds and pregnancy. i haven’t gone to the doctor.
i keep telling myself if only i hadn’t had those drinks … if only. i can’t get past it. i’ve never felt so low in my life. one minute i am fine and the next minute i am sobbing my eyes out.
V. First let me start by saying that you need to change your way of thinking that you deserved it because you were drinking.. Seriously by you saying that then you are basically saying that every person that drinks deserves to be raped and I know you truly don’t believe that, so stop thinking about yourself that way. Let me explain that rape is about “control”, not you but control. And basically what you have told me through your experiences shows that all these people wanted to control you and what they did to you. Once they know they have control and you don’t tell anyone then they know for a fact they have the control they want and it is almost for sure going to happen again if they have the opportunity. You even stated you are so accepting of things, that is what you need to change. Don’t get me wrong it is not your fault because you didn’t know how to deal and didn’t want to admit to anyone this happened to you, I get it. But now you MUST make the change within yourself to NOT be accepting and stand up for yourself. Do not be ashamed about what happened to you (no matter what anyone says or thinks) because this doesn’t define you it only defines the perverts that raped you. You need to get professional counseling, immediately. this is so deeply rooted that you need a lot of therapy. It won’t be easy but I can promise it’s worth it AND easier than what you’ve been through. With the right counselor you will find someone you can trust and confide in and that is on your side. They will support you and help you get through this. I can also promise you if you don’t it will only get worse and you probably will loose your new found relationship because you don’t know how to deal. Again don’t take that the wrong way because none of us are put on earth hardwired to deal with rape. Only people that have been through it or professional therapists/counselors can help. So go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you or even try your local crisis center who can either help or refer you to someone that can. You took the first step by coming here so don’t stop now because YOU ARE WORTH IT! Stay strong! Lynn
hi, im a victim of anumber of rapes the first happened wen i was 6 dnt remember much as i’m 25 now but i kw it happend and since that age i’ve kept that from my parents they would be crushed. i’m stil haunted by it a lot more now that i let it happen mo than once. the 2nd one was wen i was 20 it was a close frend and he waited to et me get drunk and took advantage of me even wen i had asked to go home that nite, no one believed and i let it go and instead blamed myself that i shouldn’t have been drinking. it was my first time to have alcohol and had no idea that’s how bad it would make me. i remember asking for water before i called a cab to go home next thing he came into my cab n told the driver to take us to his place wen i disputed he told the driver that i was drunk he shouldn’t listne to me. i don’t whether it was the alcohol or he did drug me bcoz for two days after that i threw up and ddnt leave my bed till my parents returned from the holiday and took me 2 a doctor he didn’t say much to me i was still a bit out of it. after that i moved from home and had a a boyfrend rape me i had never had sex with him but he forced it and that became a pattern with most of my boyfriends. only now did i realise i had a problem, mostly because i have found a wonderful person who understands and realises that i have a problem, i’ve never seeked or recieved any help for this and i think the way i am because of it will make me ruin e only real and healthy relationship i’ve ever had. im paranoid, im not insecure, but i’m so accepting of things i shouldn’t be.. please give me some kind of advice before it destroys me coz lately all these things have bothered me intensly, and i don’t anyone i can talk to a trust with this…
H’s Dad, I understand your feelings but the best thing you can do is get her into professional counseling. That being said you can not force her, she must go willingly. If the school has not been made aware I would talk to her about going to school and talking with a guidance counselor. this would help them understand if it is affecting her grades as well as give her somewhere safe to go in case she runs into them again. Personally I would contemplate changing schools if at all possible. So #1 counseling and #2 protection at or from school. Also, see if she will take a self defense class which will help her overall attitude and sense of safety. As far as you are concerned, after my many years of counseling I can assure you that it doesn’t matter where you come from or what race you are it unfortunately is everywhere. It is the sick person inside that makes a rapist and nothing else, so try and overcome placing rape with a certain culture or ethnicity because that is not going to help you or her in the future. And let me just say thank you for supporting her and understanding and trying to help, because it is hard but lets try and do it the right way so it only benefits both of you instead of making things worse. Stay strong! Lynn
T. First let me say that I am so very sorry that you were subject to such horrible abuse and I believe you and that you don’t want your life to be this way. You show such strength to come here and share your story but more importantly that you know you need to take care of yourself. I want you to go to rainn.org right now and look up the closest counselor to you that specializes in rape. If there is no one close to you I want you to find the nearest crisis center and call them or go to them and ask them for help. They can refer you to someone if they can’t help you right there, which most can. Whatever you do don’t give up on yourself because you are worth it and one strong individual. Believe in yourself as I do and get the proper professional help you need YOU ARE WORTH IT! Stay strong! Lynn
I was placed up for adoption due to my mothers drug addiction and prostiution. The family member that adopted me at that time abuse my youngest sister and I. Then when another family member adopted me I thought I would have a different life but no I was raped from ages 4-15. I did have a chance to reunite with my mother but she was so selfish and tide up in her own life thinking that she was the victim and I just wanted people to feel sorry for me. I do have other siblings that I have had contact with them but they do not understand me no one does they really think I wanna live sad, depressed, not trusting others always with my guard up. Many people said they would help me overcome but they just left me also. I trust no one and believe if I want something I have to make it happen. I wanna change and get my life back because this has totally crippled everything. Please help
I have recently been made aware that my daughter was gang raped when she was 14 (now 17), while she was in her mothers custody. The frustration and disappointment at not being able to protect my baby from the animalistic evil that occured has me torn between blind homicidal rage against that entire ethnic and culture class on that side of town, and a belief in God that guides me toward forgiveness and prayer for the weak minded, selfish, destructive perpetrators. They are free. And years later, they are still affecting her.
The RAPISTS were successful in intimidating her, she’d been quiet and has been turning self destructive with drugs as a coping technique. It is my understanding that she SAW one of them recently at school, which I infer was the latest “trigger” to her behavior problems.
They are still free: she is suffering in the mental prison of their construction. My plea is for guidance in what I can do to help her deal with it.
Philly, I’m so sorry this happened to you but I’m glad you are asking for help. Now go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you, immediately. Or you can go to your local crisis center. Loose the boyfriend too, if he can’t support you with something as serious as this, he’s not gonna be there for you so don’t waste anymore time with him. Take care of yourself and don’t wait another day. Just remember this doesn’t define you, only the person that did this to you as a rapist. If you are having serious thoughts of suicide maybe you can get to a doctor too and ask them if you have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and if you are get treatment for it to help you cope. So you have two appts to make, one with your physician and one with a counselor, so help yourself and make those appts. Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped when I was at university by someone who pulled me into a car. I just sat there and waited for it to be over. My boyfriend now doesn’t care to help me much. Everyone or rather most people know about what happen. I feel like killing myself sometimes . I really need help:(
thank you so much for putting this website together.
as i mentioned in my earlier email, my attacker was a dentist.
i have anxiety that has caused me much problems. (although i am in counseling, it only helps so much.)
my attacker, used his pharmacy to penetrate me. That, and i know that he has others that he has attacked others.
although i am getting stronger – i still feel a sence of loss, because i can only prove so much. i never turned him him because of the complications.
i deal with the guilt everyday – and knowing that there are potential others that are at risk. that and i am in fear that he will know it was me.
its very complicated.
but i wanted to thank you so much for this website. it helps!
K. this is sexual child abuse/assault by molestation, which comes with all the same feelings and baggage as rape. If you haven;t rec’d counseling please do so as soon as possible, it is imperative for you to have a better future and to help you build trusting relationships. this happened for so long and while you were so young and vulnerable that this has affected you in many ways, that you know and in many ways that you don’t even realize yet. So please go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. Or if you have a local crisis center you can ask them for counseling references. This is very deep rooted in you and it will take a while (won’t be easy) but it will be VERY worth it. You must take care of yourself. I’m so sorry you had to grow up like this but just know you can have a bright future but you will have to work on it with a professional. Also, take a self defense class because this will help regain your sense of security. And I’m sure you do but make sure you stay as far away from your brother as possible. And talk to your counselor on how to handle this info with your family members. Stay strong! Lynn
When I was 8 my step brother started having dry sex with me (untill I was 17). I tried to fight him off me everytime. He would hold me down, cover my mouth and etc. Most nights I could smell the alcohol and weed all over him. Though he never inserted himself into me he would take his penis out and take my cloths off. I feel since he never inserted I’m not a rape victum, and idk what to consider myself. But he steal broke me and took everything from me just like the victums that were inserted. I’m 21 now and I’m still broken and alone.
H. Understandably so after such a tragic event, I’m so sorry this happened to you, truly. But I’m glad you reached out to me. I sincerely apologize for the delay. You need to get counseling. You can go to rainn.org and find the nearest one near you that specializes in rape. I’m concerned for your health and I want you to want to get out of bed and be able to have a good day without the need for drugs or alcohol (key word here is “need”). I’m sure you want that too! I was in your spot for a while so when I say I know, I know. You can even try a regular physician and ask him to check you out for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and either or help with anti-depressants & the anorexic. I would suggest that as well. I know these things may seem difficult but whatever you’ve been doing in the past hasn’t helped, so try this for me, please! I can give you a couple more things you can do at home to help your anxiety but just readin it isn’t gonna help, you have to do it, ok? Yoga is excellent, I have been doing a beginers DVD for years now just for the calming and stretching. You can get a dvd and a mat for under $15 and this will change your life. You do it at home at your own speed until you get it down. It especially helps promote sleep if you do it at night because the breathing calms you. Also, if you have trouble sleeping, stop self medicating via drugs and alcohol and face your feelings and write them out on paper to get them out of your head and give your brain a rest. You don’t have to keep it or you could and take it to your counselor for discussion. It doesn’t matter what you write could be good bad anything whatever is going around in your head. Then after that do your yoga and I bet your quality of sleep really improves. This will help with your anorexic too. Good sleep helps to heal the body if profound ways. Now it won’t cure your anorexia but it helps with all types of anxiety. So it sounds like you really want to help yourself, so take it one step at a time and start thinking about the future you can control and put the past that you can’t control behind you. Think about the life you want, not what you have now or in the past and do something everyday whether small or big to get there. You deserve a good and wonderful life, but you have to work for it. Remember what happened to you doesn’t define you, only the assholes that did this to you “as rapists”. So stop letting them control another day of your life because it’s your life not theirs. Everyday you suffer they are still in control. Stand up today and scream out loud, “You aren’t in control of me anymore” and see how that feels! And then focus on your future! Stay strong! Lynn
C. The first thing you need to do to start turning your life around and believing deep down that you are worthy and do deserve good things in life is to FORGIVE. I don’t mean forgive the man that raped you or your husband for abusing you mentally & verbally, I mean forgive yourself for drinking that night, forgive yourself for gaining weight, forgive the fact that your husband committed suicide and believe it was because of his own demons not yours. I hope you are not walking around with guilt because that if you are that needs to change, today! Don’t let anyone else’s guilt for the type of person they are burden you another day because it is their’s NOT yours. And it doesn’t help because you can’t change it. The only thing you have control over is you and you never asked for any of this to happen to you so just let it go, forgive and put whatever energy you have left into the things you can control and change, because otherwise you will always be stuck with something that is never gonna change. Here is the positive. You are alive, I know you don’t feel like it but YOU ARE! You can get up and do something as simple as appreciate the blue sky or even the winter snow. You have a life. Now how do you want that life to be? I’m assuming not like it has been for all the past years, right? So I want you to do something. The first thing I want you to do is sit down with a piece of paper. I want you to be sitting somewhere you feel comfortable and enjoy. I want you to forget about the past, just for a minute and only think about what you would like in the future. In the middle of the paper draw vertical line down the middle. On the left side I want you to scribble it in with your pen or pencil til it’s black. This represents your past, it’s behind you and we can’t see it & don’t want to look at it. The right side is wide open and your future. On the right side I want you to write 3 things or wishes for your future. It can be anything as small as having a good day or as big as finding genuine love again. Doesn’t matter what it is because anything is possible in your new world. Then without giving any excuses why it can’t happen, write down 1 or 2 things for each wish that you can do today to start to get to your goal. Everyday I want you to right at least 1 thing you can do to reach your goal. It can be as simple as saying I’m gonna take a walk in the park or eat a little less to get the body I want. If you do this exercise you will #1) have positive goals for yourself, #2) if you do at least 1 thing a day for each goal that shows courage, makes you feel more positive and gives you structure. You’ve done something good and positive for yourself and you are not focusing on the past but how to make your future brighter. You are worthy of a good life so don’t let another day pass you by because you can do it and I know you want to because you reached out to me. So please take what I have to say seriously. And I truly think counseling will help you tremendously because you’ve been holding this for years. You can go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. Stay strong! Lynn