Types of rape
1) Sexual Assault (whether from someone you knew or a stranger):
Rape is an act of physical and sexual violence done to gain power and control. It is not a sexual act or act of passion. Approx. 80% of rapes involve non-physical force, just the verbal threat of injury or threat with a weapon. They use just enough force via mentally or physically to gain submission and then the aggression continues once they have submission. In many cases there are no bruises or physical injury to indicate rape because the rapist doesn’t want to leave evidence and make it harder on the victim to prove. Approx 71% of all rapes the attack is planned by trapping the victim, which occurs in date rape, aquaintance rape, or gang rape. Approx. 11% of rapes are partially planned. This occurs when the rapist realizes that the victim is in a vulnerable position, such as burglaries turning into rape. Also, rape most often occurs in the home of the victim.
2) Submissive Rape:
This is the most unrecognized and least talked about of all rapes. It is also very common because when some victims become so terrified they go into survival mode by staying as calm and figure out the best possible way to get out of the situation, even if that is to temporarily “mentally check out” of the physical act happening. If it happens to be a stranger, submissive rape is common because the victim doesn’t know if this person is capable of killing or not. Most victims of submissive rape feel this was their weakness and unfortunately usually have to answer to the people they’ve confided in and explain why they did what they did, when at the time they don’t understand themselves. Let me tell you, this is a strength not a weakness because the victim did what they had to do to get out of the situation, still alive (even though it doesn’t feel like it). You had to save yourself the only way you knew you could at the time.
Then there is submissive rape with someone you know, even possibly a husband, boyfriend or maybe an ex. This type of rape is very controversial because it is their word against yours and you may have even had consensual sex before. This is also the most common type of rape amongst married people and couples since they are hardly ever reported because they think no one will believe them. It is all about control, not you, remember – rape is rape is rape.
3) Drug-facilitated rape:
I can give some personal insight on this since it happened to me twice in my life. The first time I didn’t know what happened. Didn’t tell anyone and thought I must of blacked out and stayed in denial. Years later I realized what happened to me and dealt with both rapes. Drug facilited rapes are in rampage everywhere from your typical clubs and house parties to your neighborhood restaurants. It can be a stranger to someone you thought you knew or trusted. Their line (if you catch or know them) is always, “I thought you wanted it”! This type of rape is also rarely reported because it takes the victim a while to remember if they ever do. Their minds are so cloudy they aren’t sure what happened. So because they can’t remember all the details or are listening to someone else tell their side of the story they feel they don’t have a case against their rape. My best advice for individuals that aren’t sure of the exact circumstances, believe your gut instincts, because they are typically right. You may not be to account for every detail but a person knows when they have been violated. Just take solice in knowing that you will never have to re-live it. That was the one positive thing that I focused on. Instead of trying to figure out what happened to me, like if I’m all over the internet and how many people assaulted me (I had 7 lesions in my uterus), I focused on the fact that I will never have to re-live my rape. You should still try and get some type of counseling or have an outlet to let out your feelings, no matter what they are. This type of rape leaves a lot to the victims imagination, and the victim might think the worst. Every victim of drug-facilitated rape must remember no matter what the circumstances were.
C. I’m glad to hear that you went to counseling but you stated it didn’t work, which just tells me you need more and it just hasn’t yet. I personally was in a year of counseling before “i got it”. I was struggling at first thinking I was throwing my money away because I didn’t feel different. But low and behold when I finally got it I realized that all this time it was sinking in and that I had to get to the place where I actually applied it and opened up to it all. I’m not by any means saying that you didn’t open up I’m just saying that I was in such a dark place for a while and I was holding myself back. So I’m telling you not to give up on the counseling because basically that means you are giving up on yourself. Maybe you can try a different counselor if that might help. Another thing I would suggest is taking some self defense classes. That really helps with your confidence level and self esteem. By that I mean you feel more confident that you can protect yourself. I know some people that enjoyed it so much they started taking karate classes because it empowered them more and they felt more in control that no one could hurt them again. Something to think about. As far as your friends, unless you’ve been through it they would know there is no time frame on “getting over it”. And you are allowed and should show your emotions. The more you let out the more room you have to heal. stay strong! Lynn
E. I know you feel shame but you really shouldn’t. Let me ask you this.. Only you know what happened right? So lets say you had a friend and the exact same thing happened to her, would you consider it more shameful on her or would you put the blame and shame where it belonged, on the person that did it? We both know you wouldn’t shame her. But these are common feelings, so you aer not alone. But you do need to get mentally right and that starts through counseling. The sooner you get it the sooner you will start to get your life back. Just know this doesn’t define you, just the person that did this to you. I would also like to point out that rape is about control and when the rapist doesn’t get turned in they feel like they are still in control and the odds are will do it again. I’m not saying he will try with you again and I’m not saying he won’t, but he will do it again because he got away with it and is in control. Bu you getting counseling and/or possibly turning him in (up to you) you are taking back control of your life. Stay strong! Lynn
BD. You obviously know that your father sexually abused you so if you are specifically asking me about the man you are living with now my question is have you ever told him no or not to do it? If he is did something without your consent but you are together as girlfriend boyfriend then that is your opportunity to say “don’t ever do that again and if you do I will leave”. You must clearly make him aware that you are not consenting to this type of behavior. If you have done that and he has done it again than yes it is rape. If you haven’t been specific and he is playing on ignorance then you must make him very aware that you do not consent. That is my answer because if we don’t let them know they will play the ignorant card. Based on what you’ve told me tho I would be making plans to get out of there asap. This is not a healthy relationship nor will it ever be and you and your son are better off without him, I can promise you that. Where there is a will there is a way, so go find it and get out of there, because until you do your life will not get any better. Stay strong! Lynn
I was sexually abused in 2003 by a stranger. A few years later I went to counselling, tried to deal with it. In 2007 I started seeing a guy, I was scared of trusting him at first but eventually over time I slowly began trusting him + told him about what happened to me. Everything was fine at first but he later raped me. Stupidly he convinced me it wasn’t rape and I continued seeing him for a while. My friends and family liked my ex and he seemed genuine. Its been a long time, it still effects me and I’m still scared to trust men. People say I should be over this by now. All my friends are getting married and having kids, I want to do the same. I’ve tried counselling again but it didn’t work
The question on whether or not is was rape crosses my mind a lot and I never thought it as rape until I heard the words out loud when I told a friend, she said ‘you got raped’ and it hit me like a ton of bricks, jesus christ it was a year ago and I was wondering why I couldn’t get close to this guy that I madly like, something was stopping me and now I know what it is. Question is, now I know what the problem is, how do you fix it? I don’t want to tell him, it makes me feel disgusting, the word its self is so hard to say. What I hate the most is that it’s more shameful to be raped than it is to be a rapist.
To Dee, who posted in March 2013. I think if she is still living where here attack took place and seeing her attackers around town, she should report it. Due to statue of limitations, she may not be able to press charges. That’s what happened to me. They said I should have reported it sooner, but most people didn’t beleive me anyway and I lived with my attacker so I had the risk of retaliation and was a child. She has you for support and the statute may not have run out yet. Do some research first to prepare your self for the outcome. At the very least, you will be alerting the community and local authorities. She must be creditable so she has to maintain a clean record and avoid suspension on her part. Substance abuse is very common in abuse victims as is a criminal record, even minor infractions tho can discredit a claim or accusation. If this is an issue for her, trying reminding her that one day she may be called as a witness in a trial against one of her attackers and she would probably be upset with herself if she didn’t take the chance to make them pay or stop them from hurting others.
I was diagnosed with PTSD & Disassociative disorder and borderline personality disorder. I was abused in every way by my father as far back as I can remember. My mom was violent and very bullish. My whole life I was constantly blanking out and losing control any time someone got close. I was irrationally afraid of men. When my parents divorced ibwas placed with my father after not seeing him for a long time. I was 13. I was abused by him even more now that I had a shape. 3 years later I was nearly killed at school. I had a brain injury. I had to stay at home from school for a while. A few years later, I started having flash backs about little kids being tortured and abused including myself. Eventually, I realized that these flash backs were memories and not dreams. That’s whenI got diagnosed. A long courtship, marriage, and separation later. I find myself alienated from my siblings and friends and homeless with no job and a long history of suicide attempts. I met a man 18 years my senior in the shelter I was staying in. He told me every thing about himself. I told him I was religious and still married. He persued me relentlessly. I gave in. He got me to change my look, style, standards, hopes, dreams, plans, he turned my whole world upside down. If I made a friend, he would gey so upset about it he would break stuff and call me names and scream and yell. He looked so muchlike the people tthat hurt me that I wasn’t sure if he would hurt me too. By this point, we were living together and I was caring his child. He never hit me, but he liked to make me think he would by charging at me to back me down when I stood up for myself. He always apologized and insisted he loved me more than anyone including his other kids. But he wasnt good to me tho. Never listened to me or did any of the things I asked of him for the sake of the baby. At this point I couldn’t take my psych meds because of the baby so I had a lot of symptoms. He never wanted to help with any of that. He would pretend like he didn’t know. He even made me watch A Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. A horrible movie to watch if you have a traumatic history. I was instantly triggered and he jusy made it worse. I tried killing myself many times after that and running away, but I kept coming back because I couldn’t kill my baby and I had no where to go. Now, sometimes when im sleeping, I wake to him performing sexual acts on me or him making me do certain things to him. Sometimes I have no underwear on when I wake or sometimes they’re all wet and my legs and sheets are all sticky. When I ask about it he pretends not to understand or know what im talking about. He told me before that his exgirl friends told him that when he did that, it was rape, but he said that he was in a relationship with them and that they went to bed wearing jusy underwear and that he just wanted to give them a massage to make them feel good, but it turned him on. But they never said no or asked him to stop so it wasn’t his fault or rape because he didn’t force them, hurt them, or threaten them. Still, he hasn’t admitted to doing the same thing to me, but I think he has more than once. Is this rape? How should I deal with this because my son is going to be screwed if I leave his father and we have no money or anywhere to live. I still have no friends or family either. He has the means to take care of us financially, bur staying makes me feel like a prostitute. Also, the community knows qw have been in a relationship and I dont think anyone will believe that he raped me. No one believes me wven still about what my fathwr did and how I was held caprive by him and his friends andb how other kids died from what they did, so I dont think anyone will believe ky boyfriend raped me eithe r
KS, If you have a local crisis center I would start there. Some offer free counseling and some go by your income. But if they don’t offer free counseling they should be able to tell you where there is. Good luck and stay strong! Lynn
My situation is complicated and I’d like to talk to a free councelor. Can you point me in the right direction?
JH. I’m going to be very honest and I hope that is what you want. Based on your post where I can’t get past is when you said to him “I said are you sure you’re ready for that?” That is you asking him if he is ready not you saying “I’m not ready for that”. I wasn’t there, you were so I’m not going to say this was rape or not. What I am going to say is I can understand where his confusion was of basically thinking it was Ok. First by asking him to put the condom on (I understand your reasoning) second because you asked him if he was ready for that and third by not telling him to stop or say no after he did put it in. Based on what you said he did not use force, you didn’t tell him no or to stop during this encounter (I know you did before but not this time). Guys don’t think about what you told them before (even though they should) there brains and other things listen to what is going on right now. And especially with sex they are hoping you are going to give in at some point. So by you saying “Are you ready for this” and not saying “I’m not ready” that was a green light for him because he was and has been obviously ready. So based on that I’m going to leave the decision up to you because again you know him and you were there not me. But I will tell you it would be very hard to convince an officer that this was rape. But it is your life and your call. Stay strong! Lynn
Dee, Unless she has evidence (pictures, rape kit, etc) I think reporting it wouldn’t help much UNLESS these people have a record of rape BUT again she would need some type of evidence. That being said the best thing for her to do is get some counseling. It’s not easy but it’s a lot easier than what she went through and is still going through. I wonder after all this time she hasn’t though of moving. I personally wouldn’t put myself through walking past where it happened. I always tell people the longer you wait to get counseling the longer it takes to heal. Rape is like your shadow that you can not run from you have to turn and face it head on. And I’m not referring to subjecting herself to the place where it happens I mean through the proper counseling. But she has to be ready to go, you can not force her. What would she do God forbid this was her daughter… wouldn’t she help her the best way she could, through counseling? Only people that have been raped or professionally trained counselors/therapists can effectively help. All you can do is be her rock for a shoulder to cry on or help her feel safe and as good as that is it isn’t enough. Has she thought about taking a self defense class? That is a great thing to do to help with her confidence and sense of security. All and all she can live like this forever or help herself but again she has to be willing or it won’t work. And again I would consider starting fresh somewhere to live and through counseling. Stay strong! Lynn
I don’t know if it is considered rape. I need to know if I should report this incident or not. I don’t know if the word rape is appropriate. We had conversations before about me not wanting to have sex because I dont want to get attached and I’m moving soon. We were carrying on a romantic and sexual relationship but not having sex. We got condoms because I wanted to make sure no pre-ejaculation got on me (I don’t take birth control so I explained that it is just a precaution). A few nights ago I said he needs to put a condom on because he was leaking. He asked me if I want him inside me and I said are you sure you’re ready for that? He said ‘with you, yes’, then asked me if I’m ready to have sex. There was a pause as I was formulating my words to let him down, but then he went in. I was shocked and in-denial wishing that hadn’t happened. I was worried about the emotional repercussions but also that I was just raped. It seemed to me like he wanted to make sure he got in, and didn’t want to let me say no. After he went in i didnt say anything because I was just scared, and confused, and hurt. He asked me how it was afterward and I said “scary”. He is the charismatic charming type. I dont know if I should report this right away. Ignoring it seems like an insult to myself and hurts me to value myself so little….but I also dont want to ruin someones life. When I try to ask myself if I’m to blame for having my clothes off, I cant bring myself to actually ask the question because a loud voice in me says NO! It is not my fault that he lost control or made that decision to go ahead without my consent.
My best friend was gang raped at 13 years of age and never reported it. She is still suffering every day now some 20 plus years later. I am desperately trying to help her (we have had a physical relationship too) as this is affecting all aspects of her life. It was an horrific attack and I dont even like to think about it so god knows what she is going through. I have tried to tell her to report it, but she keeps saying what is the point after all this time. About 4 years ago she was on the bus and saw one of them on the street outside and called me up absolutely hysterical. I cant rewind time or I would and I would die before I let them hurt her. My main point is this. IS there any point her reporting it even now? She still lives in the same town it happened and walks past the spot most days. It must be horrendous for her. Any advice?
K. You don’t feel anything because you are still in shock since it is so recent. Many different emotions will come but you need to know how to deal with them properly. By that I mean through counseling. I’m so glad you came here to ask for help because the quicker you try to get help the quicker the healing process. And because of all these different emotions you are going to feel you need to understand they are common and you are not crazy and how to deal the right way, NOT through drugs and alcohol. Those are only temporary fixes and you will almost always feel worse the next day! Call your local crisis center or a counselor through medical insurance or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. Have you though of reporting him? Hopefully your friend isn’t seeing him anymore after that as well. But you have to take care of yourself first. I want you to read through “steps in the healing process” on my website which can help between counseling appts. But I promise the longer you wait the longer it takes and to prove that theory you can go through the posts and see how long it haunts people without the proper counseling. Your friends and boyfriend can only be a should to cry on or there to make you feel safe but unless they’ve been raped or a trained professional in counseling/therapy they just don’t know how to actually help you. I think it’s great that you aren’t scared to ask for help and you want the help so don’t stop with this site and get into counseling immediately. Stay strong! Lynn
It has been 4 days since I have been raped. I want to share my story because I need a reaction. I need someone to confirm to me that it was in fact rape. I can’t feel right now. I feel dead inside. No feelings..nothing. I don’t know why I can’t cry or feel sorry for myself. I just don’t understand. Maybe It’s denial. On Saturday night I was staying on a hotel room with some friends. We were all partying..drinking heavily and getting ready to go see some music. I decided not to go because I was really drunk and it was already 10 p.m. and I had to be to work ea.rly the next morning. So I was the only one who stayed behind. The rest of my friends, one being my boyfriend, left to go see the music. I fell asleep pretty quick. I woke up around 1045 to someone opening the hotel room door. It was dark and i couodnt see who it was. In a drunken state I asked if it was my boyfriend. I called out his name. I recieved no reply and didn’t think anything of it because we were going to have other people shate the room. I was drunk…and fell bavk asleep. When I woke up the next time it was to someone taking their pants off and climbing into bed with me. It was still dark and I just assumed it was my boyfriend..I mean who else would take their oants off and hop into bed with me? I fell back asleep. I woke up when I felt someone touching me down their. Rubbing me and kissing my neck. This time i was more aware of what was happening and immediately i felt long hair. This was not my boyfrie.d. it was this guy I was aquainted with and who was suppose to be with my friend Kelly at the concert. I was upset and said what are you doing! Stop! I have a biyfriend. I don’t want this. He didn’t say anytjing and continued. I was still really drunk and I just felt so weak. So when he crawled on top of me I couldnt push hom off. He opened my legs with his legs. Then proceeded to insert himself in me. I said no so many times. I tried so hard to close my legs so he couldnt grt himself further in me. If i wouldnt have been so intoxicated i coukdve easily pushed him off of me. If i wasnt so drunk I couldve yelled and screamed. I was in a haze. I wasn’t me. I pushed him and grabbed his upper arms and said no. I said please dont. The only reason hr stopped was because a food delivery guy was knocking on the door. So when he got up to answer the door i got up and ran out the door to my car. Locked myself in it and called my boyfriend who showed up and kicked him out. I sat in a scalding hot bath for an hour. I am writing this…my story…and I don’t feel anything. I know that was has happened to me is terrible…bit i can’t feel. I don’t know what to do. I need to feel something.
S. This is what I know that is a fact, if you tell a person no, it means no. I don’t care if you are laying on the bed naked and you say no and make it very clear and he doesn’t listen that is rape. Also, if he forces himself whether or not leaving bruises, meaning he could force himself slowly and not not trying to maliciously hurt you but still force himself by not listening, this is also rape. You were the only one there who knows exactly how it happened but based on your words to me, I consider it rape without a date. People will push things as far as they can sometimes, even if they are “nice” because sometimes that’s how they get more and know they can get away with it because that’s exactly what you will think. He didn’t do it maliciously he just didn’t listen. Anyway, what you need to do now is to get into counseling immediately. The longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. Your friends and family can only support you and have empathy but the only people that can truly understand and teach you right ways to cope is professionally trained individuals or other survivors who know what you’ve been through. So as strong as you sound, you also sound like you are a little in denial because this was ALL HIS FAULT! If he would have simply listened and respected you, none of this would have happened, right? It doesn’t sound like you are scared of the work you will need to put into your life to get through this and you are ready, so do it the right way with a counselor. Because at some point if rely only on your friends they are not gonna know how to help and then feel helpless and then possibly start to back off and that is the last thing you want or need. So again tell them you are getting counseling and that you don’t expect them to have the answers. But you do appreciate and want their support and empathy. Then they will feel the pressure to help you deal taken off them and will be there for you more. Stay strong! Lynn
This happened to me two years ago. Only about a month ago did I finally allow myself to accept what happened and only since then have I considered myself a victim of rape.
And even though that is what it was, I still struggle to call it that, because the circumstances weren’t consistent with those of rape. Whereas rape generally comes about out of a display of power or control, mine was the result of a genuine misunderstanding.
I was 19 and in college. I had started dating a non-classmate (neighboring college) about three months prior. One night after hanging out together, I fell asleep next to him on his bed. This had happened before and nothing questionable had resulted. Except shortly before this event, he gave me the, “C’mon seriously, are you ever going to be ready?” lecture, and I assured him that yes I would, eventually, but not immediately.
Anyhow, we were making out and stuff and things got pretty heated. I’m a pretty stubborn person and often make an act out of that. However, in this case as it had JUST been discussed, it was (as far as I thought) clear that I was NOT pretending and that I did NOT want him to continue.
Long story short, I lost my virginity that night. Not willingly, although it WAS possible for me to have done more to *absolutely* stop him. I am not saying that this was my fault! I am simply saying that it also wasn’t HIS fault.
About a month later I finally confronted him about it. I told him that I had not been pretending and that I had genuinely NOT wanted to have sex. The look of horror and devastation on his face makes me 100% convinced that he would not have proceeded had he known I didn’t want it.
However, in that moment, for me, from my perspective, it was rape insofar as it was unwanted sex by some degree of physical force.
I just have trouble considering it as equal to other cases of rape as it did not have the same malicious intent.
I only just recently (this past weekend) told a couple of my closest friends about it. They’re doing what they can to help me sort out how I feel about it, but I’m hesitant to talk to my family and stuff (at least right now) because I feel they’ll react a lot more strongly than I have.
Don’t get me wrong, it HAS affected my life. For the past two years I’ve had emotional intimacy problems as well as a couple of empty, purely physical relationships because after what happened, that’s the only kind I know how to have. (This is what I’ve been working on in 2013, and I’ve already made tremendous progress.) It’s also affected the way I handle stress and has negatively impacted my willingness to commit to any decisions I face. (Also been working on this. It’s a bit harder, but my friends have been amazing.)
I’m just not sure how to go about dealing with this, as calling it “rape” seems a little bit controversial here, as he was not and is not a bad guy. (No, we are not still together, but not for this reason.) He did not intend to rape me, and was absolutely disgusted with himself when he realized what he’d done.
But it WAS rape…? So I’m pretty confused.
I’ve been focusing on dealing with it more than labeling it, but it’s hard to deal with something you can’t precisely name.
B. You are more than welcome, I hope I’ve helped! Stay Strong! Lynn
That’s a tough one. Reason being if you were consenting to have the sex (but you wanted protection) then it’s an issue about protection. When you state “in the act” to me that sounds like he had already penetrated you. If you are consenting and let him penetrate you and then thought after his penetration oh we need protection, then I personally would not consider that rape but about the protection aspect. But if there was no penetration and you were adamant about not having sex without protection and he forced himself on you then I would consider that rape because you were not consenting to having sex without protection. Again, I was not there and this is my opinion from the info you left. Hope that helps. Lynn
if you were messin around with someone and one night,while in the act,you tell him to get protection,he doesn’t listen,and you tell him to stop and he still doesn’t listen,would that be considered rape?
H. You absolutely have been sexually assaulted! The fact that you told him you didn’t want sex and that he mentally, verbally and physically abused you and you let him do it out of your safety is a common type of rape and happens all the time. Rape is about control NOT you and that is exactly what this guy is doing. I’m just glad you were able to get away from him. You need to try and stay away as far as possible and I would even recommend a self defense class. But whatever you do you need to get into counseling because this didn’t just happened once, you went through years of abuse and whether you realize it or not the things that will stem from this abuse without counseling can affect the rest of you life, especially in relationships or when you have kids. So call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to try and find the nearest counselor to you that can help. Just please put your mental and physical state first and get the help you need to have the bright future you deserve. Counseling and self defense will build you back up from all those years you were knocked down. Stay strong! Lynn
Is silence consent? Was it Rape?
An abusive boyfriend knew I didn’t want to have sex, I told him I didn’t really feel ready. I had told him. He spread round school that we had, and everyone called me names. He would get angry for the slightest thing and often was very sadistic and emotionally and physically hurtful, so I was scared of him, but I loved him too. He got very very angry if he didn’t have his own way so one night when he got into bed secretly (he had been horrible to me previously and I was sleeping in his dad’s living room) I just didn’t say anything, and let him do it, even though he stopped when I began to cry because it hurt a lot. He did it again over the next few months and it got increasingly worse. I loved him, but he was incredibly horrible to me, and left me feeling pathetic and worthless for nearly two years. I was kicked, punched, strangled etc when I made him angry. He touched me, and I thought it would make him nicer to me but I told him it hurt because I wasn’t aroused very often- I think now it was because I was so scared. My head would just go black when it happened- I felt horrible. He told me I looked disgusting, and I made him feel sick. When he said that it was llike my insides were rotting.
I didn’t say anything, not ‘yes’ not ‘no’. I just went along with it. I felt like he’d destroyed my image with my friends and set me up by pressuring me until I wouldn’t protest.
I DO NOT want to sue, press charges etc.
I’m 16 now, and was 14 at the time. We’re at 6th form, and he’s spread to everyone I’m a **** and we slept together. He has a new girlfriend. Is silence consent? Does the fact I was scared of him count, or scared of what he’d do if I didn’t do what he wanted? I just didn’t want a fight. I didn’t think he’d hit me after but the words he would say were worse-what he’d tell other people. He did strangle me but I would have preferred that. He made me feel so worthless I didn’t think anyone would care at the time. I’ve been to a doctor about the abuse, but I’ve never mentioned this. I really, really didn’t want to think about it ever again- Because it made me feel so awful and guilty. So I’ve never spoken about it to anyone. Have I been assaulted? When I did agree- It eventually became a way of making him just be nice to me, especially if I was stuck at his house. He would also sometimes force me to touch him. I’d love some advice, to know if I’ve been raped. Thank you.
PTSD. The easy answer is stay away as far as can from this man. The hard answer is you can report him to the school and police. The reason it is hard is because it is 7 years later and without evidence or any other reports about him there isn’t much they can do. However, it can and will be noted just in case he pulls it again and someone else reports him. What I would do is ask the school if there have ever been reports made on him from anyone else because based on your story and him having involved other male students, this was a pattern and you weren’t the first or the last. The reason I would start with the school is because IF there was a report to the police the school would have been notified. Then I would also tell your family what happened, especially if you are going back to move home. Rape is about control NOT you, which is why he came by your house to make you feel threatened, so he would still be in control. If you choose to do nothing because it was 7 years later at the very least you need to take a self defense class, get some pepper spray and most importantly get counseling. Because it will continue to haunt you, no matter what you do or do not do with him, without the proper counseling you need. Stay strong! Lynn
i dont know where to start but here it goes i have lived for almost 7 years after that incident i was raped by my teacher. I never told anyone about it because i was so afraid that people will think of me differently and that no one will believe me since that teacher was too friendly in school and that many students think his cool..i kept the incident to myself for all this years because i thot it would be better this way,until few weeks i started to have nightmares.i kept dreaming of the incident over and over again.
i was about to go to a gathering with my classmates but i was late and they all left without me.then,when i saw my teacher passing by in my best friends dorm.He was stop his scooter and ask me where i’m going and told him.he said,he was on his way too but he have to go back to his boarding house to get some stuff for the event.since he was my teacher i didn’t hesitate to go.on his b.house he ask me to wait on his room since there are ohter male students in the living room.one of the students came and offered me a drink.few minutes later i felt something was wrong because my teacher was taking too long.i tried to go out but i was surprised that the door was locked from the outside.i started to panick and cried.i asked for the help of the male students outsideone came close to the door and i saw him peeping in the small hole.i can still remember their faces.but they just left me even they heard me crying.i was so exhausted and felt so weak.til my teacher came and i struggle to go out.he carried to another room with prepared bed and linens.i know what his up to.he told me not to fight back or i’ll get hurt and my ohter female friends.i was so afraid that i the only thing i can think of to survive is to submit.then the thing happened.i wanted to report the incident.but there were few times that i saw him passing by infront of our house,worst he stopped once and ask how am i doing even i’m with my father.my father asked me and i said he was my teacher.knowing that he can come close to my family and friends made me more frightened and decided to keep from talking bout what happened.after few weeks an issue sprouted like mushrooms in our school.saying i have a relationship with him.i denied everything and thot now no one will believe me more even if i tell the real story.for many years i kept everything to myself and live normally,now im working abroad and about to go back home within 2 months.and this nightmare comes back haunting me.i heard from a friend in college that my teacher is now married but still teaching in the same school.what should i do?
Ab F. Thank you for your personal strength and story, it truly is touching. Lynn
To each individual who has commented on this forum:
I pray for each of you, and send as much as might and possible may my personal strength and comfort to each of you. Rape is among the cruelest, most gruesome crimes a person can commit, and that a person could be prey to. I myself have been the victim of multiple rapes-9 adults in all, including both men and women. Among them, my own father who was the first, after multiple attempts at killing me and my mother, and raping her in front of me, he then took to raping me. Then, at age 4, after mum and I ran away from my father, I was learning to speak English, and a neighbor took to raping me. And he was creatively cruel, using tools to further the “pleasure”, and his girlfriend soon joined in.
At the age of nine, five men gang raped me, the act an initiation into one of the most violent gangs in my old hometown. The rape lasted some four hours, and they too were creatively cruel. I have internal scarring and damage due to that event. Some months later, a drunk young adult overpowered me, then at the age of sixteen, my ex-step-father decided he would “help me cope with my past by raping me to demonstrate his love for me”. And I snapped after that, a downward spiral of self destruction that took me past the brink of alcoholism, risky behaviors, self mutilation, starvation, and finally: a suicide, in which 911 arrived in time to restart my heart.
I have never been counseled for my past in a psychological setting, but I resolved myself-at that bottomless pit-to dig myself out. And now, at age 21, I work with Special Education and Severely Emotionally Challenged children who have too been through hell and back so many times they have dual residency. Each rape was a beast of a person’s attempt to degrade me, as each of yours personal horrors as well. But the best survival-the strongest response to that-is taking those horrid events and in some way, finding how they not only make you stronger, but those around you stronger as well.
Healing takes a lifetime, and patience, and tears, and prayers, and blood, and sweat. I thank Jehovah God for having given me the strength to endure. But whether you are religious or not, please always remember that there are people out there who right now are surviving. Every day is survival, and for those like you here, it’s even tougher. But the fact that you are even here, reading this now-that in and of itself reveals how truly strong you are.
You never realize how truly strong you are until you have to be. And even then, crying is natural, normal, and healthy. ‘Surviving is not your weakness-it is your strength’.
M. Thank you for your comment on S. story and you too are brave to know that you need to seek the help that you and your son deserve. You are doing the right thing for you! Stay strong! Lynn
s: I cannot believe your story and it is truly sad. I was gang raped by more than 15 plus monsters and cannot fathom the courage you had to go to the police. I did not and must live with this everyday. I wish i was stronger, my mom told me the rape was my fault and I got no support from anyone. I continued life as thugh nothing had happened to me.I now suffer from severe PTSD and major physciological issues that are now coming to the surface. I did not want to talk about it but it was either that or I kill myself. The fear and anxiety that I live on on a daily basis is too much for one to bear. I wish you luck and do not know you but are proud you have courage, be strong and god bless you. I live day to day and fight my demons inside. i go to therapy and I strongly recommend the same for you. Gang rape is on another tier on a rape and is just as bad but can be worse for people like us who where attacked. I was violently assaulted and at gun point. I have a son and he is the reason I breathe each day.
S. You are stronger than you know and it proves it since you reported them and are going to court. Which is why you should get counseling because as hard as it will be it’s NOT as hard as what you’ve already been through. So why not help yourself especially during the court process. Don’t you want someone to support you and help you the way that others can’t? Because unless you have been through rape or are a trained professional like a counselor, no one else can truly help you the way you need. It isn’t easy but I promise it is worth it! You can do it, you are strong and you deserve the support and help for you and your future. Stay strong! Lynn
i am 17 yrs old an i was sexually exploitated by males and gang raped , from the age of 13 i have only just had the confidance to tell the police . i am going to court in januray next year and i am very scraed . i have never had any concerlling as i am scared to re live my memories that played nearly 4 years in my life even though the police friends and family have tried to surrport me i just cant seem to bring myself to terms with what is goiing on and what has happend in my life , i suffer from anxtiy and unfortuntily cant talk to any guys that want to talk to me because im scared . ino i have to deal with it but u cant right now my case is comming soon an di dnt no how im going to cope , but i do no i have to do it for myself and all the outher girls they could make victims of just like me . how i will cope i will never no how i have coped upto now i stil will never no
P. I know you are overwhelmed but I know you can do this. Rape is about control (not the victim) and once they rape they typically do it again, sometimes whether or not they have been caught because it is a control sickness. So this is what I want you to think of when you go. Think of the fact that by you going to court not only are you taking back control but you are keeping him off the streets for that much longer making it safer for you, your daughter and all women out there. And WE THANK YOU!!! Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped by an unknown man . He broke in my back door while I was sleeping with my 6 year old daughter. I awoke to his hands around my throat, threatening to kill my little girl if she woke up. He had a knife and lead me to my bedroom and raped me. I cried, but had to remain as quiet as possible as all I could think of was my daughter and what might happen to her. When he finished his disgusting crime, he said if I called the police, he would come back and kill me and my daughter.thank god, she did not wake up as it was 3am. Well, that was in 1980 and my rape kit was tested 6 months ago and they found him, due to the fact that the man had been incarcerated. the kbi did another dna profile and it is him. he violated his parole and was arrested, then brought to the jail in the town where i live. he has been there since may 2,2012. I never saw his face as it was pitch black in my apt,well, i have to go to court in three days and will see him for the first time, i will also have to testify. although it has been 32 yrs ago, i remember it all too well. I am really freaking out about going to court, but the sonofabitch needs to be accountable for his crime and do his time. my life was a real mess after he raped me, and i hope justice is served on aug.2
L.S. First if you know the persons whereabouts and want to report him you can. However unless they have some sort of evidence there isn’t much that can be done. BUT if someone else has reported him then you might have a case against him so it is worth a try and at the very least it would put this person on the police’s radar. Now back to you. By opening up to your therapist that is being strong. It’s actually the bravest and strongest thing you can do because you are facing your fears instead of “faking” it and letting it eat you up inside. Let me put it this way, rape is about control and everyday that you don’t get professional help he is still in control of you. Don’t give him another day. Tell your therapist and take back control of your life because you deserve to be happy and by getting the help you need you aren’t letting him control you anymore. He has had control long enough! Stay strong! Lynn
Thank you, it really does help. I’ll try counselling. I feel like I’m so close to talking about it but I’m still terrified. xx
OK, well i am now 17, i was raped by my babysitter when i was 6 years old. I had not told anyone until just a few months back. I know I should have told my family sooner but I did not know how they would react and was scared that they were going to think of me differently. I need to know if it is to late to report it since it was 11 years ago, It is hard for me to remember all that happened but what I do remember has and will scare me for the rest of my life. I think what scares me most is how I have convinced my self that I am just fine when it is tearing me apart inside. I can not even open up to my therapist because I do not want to disappoint anyone even her, i want to be strong not weak. But I want to be truly strong not just have to fake it all the time. I don’t want to convince myself to be happy I want to BE happy and move on with my life but I know I can’t have any peace of mind without knowing that i have done everything i can to protect other people from this man.