Types of rape

1) Sexual Assault (whether from someone you knew or a stranger):

Rape is an act of physical and sexual violence done to gain power and control. It is not a sexual act or act of passion. Approx. 80% of rapes involve non-physical force, just the verbal threat of injury or threat with a weapon. They use just enough force via mentally or physically to gain submission and then the aggression continues once they have submission. In many cases there are no bruises or physical injury to indicate rape because the rapist doesn’t want to leave evidence and make it harder on the victim to prove. Approx 71% of all rapes the attack is planned by trapping the victim, which occurs in date rape, aquaintance rape, or gang rape. Approx. 11% of rapes are partially planned. This occurs when the rapist realizes that the victim is in a vulnerable position, such as burglaries turning into rape. Also, rape most often occurs in the home of the victim.

2) Submissive Rape:

This is the most unrecognized and least talked about of all rapes. It is also very common because when some victims become so terrified they go into survival mode by staying as calm and figure out the best possible way to get out of the situation, even if that is to temporarily “mentally check out” of the physical act happening. If it happens to be a stranger, submissive rape is common because the victim doesn’t know if this person is capable of killing or not. Most victims of submissive rape feel this was their weakness and unfortunately usually have to answer to the people they’ve confided in and explain why they did what they did, when at the time they don’t understand themselves. Let me tell you, this is a strength not a weakness because the victim did what they had to do to get out of the situation, still alive (even though it doesn’t feel like it). You had to save yourself the only way you knew you could at the time.

Then there is submissive rape with someone you know, even possibly a husband, boyfriend or maybe an ex. This type of rape is very controversial because it is their word against yours and you may have even had consensual sex before. This is also the most common type of rape amongst married people and couples since they are hardly ever reported because they think no one will believe them. It is all about control, not you, remember – rape is rape is rape.

3) Drug-facilitated rape:

I can give some personal insight on this since it happened to me twice in my life. The first time I didn’t know what happened. Didn’t tell anyone and thought I must of blacked out and stayed in denial. Years later I realized what happened to me and dealt with both rapes. Drug facilited rapes are in rampage everywhere from your typical clubs and house parties to your neighborhood restaurants. It can be a stranger to someone you thought you knew or trusted. Their line (if you catch or know them) is always, “I thought you wanted it”! This type of rape is also rarely reported because it takes the victim a while to remember if they ever do. Their minds are so cloudy they aren’t sure what happened. So because they can’t remember all the details or are listening to someone else tell their side of the story they feel they don’t have a case against their rape. My best advice for individuals that aren’t sure of the exact circumstances, believe your gut instincts, because they are typically right. You may not be to account for every detail but a person knows when they have been violated. Just take solice in knowing that you will never have to re-live it. That was the one positive thing that I focused on. Instead of trying to figure out what happened to me, like if I’m all over the internet and how many people assaulted me (I had 7 lesions in my uterus), I focused on the fact that I will never have to re-live my rape. You should still try and get some type of counseling or have an outlet to let out your feelings, no matter what they are. This type of rape leaves a lot to the victims imagination, and the victim might think the worst. Every victim of drug-facilitated rape must remember no matter what the circumstances were.

195 Responses to “Types of rape”

  1. yoyo says:

    Many thanks for posting this.
    I was initially very confused and afraid to report an incident that occurred to me as 1) the guy was someone I thought to be a friend 2) I agreed to go up to his house and so I was not sure whether a rape case could be made out of it.
    I had told him No several times and pushed him away and yet he kept forcing himself on me. Even as this was happening, I very bizarrely (in retrospect) thought I would continue to have a friendship with him so I did not want to make things awkward for later so I did not put up as much of a fight as I now know I should have. I did not know that “submissive rape” existed.

    I feel slightly better now knowing that it has happened to others too and that I am not alone.

  2. Lynn says:

    Jane Doe, if you intended on having sex but just stopped because it was too rough (maybe he was inexperienced or that was the only way he knew) to only start again to show him how you like it and then had sex again the next day, then no that is not date rape. If he forcefully against your will it would be, this just sounds like he is inexperienced. Lynn

  3. Jane Doe says:

    Is it rape if you intended to make love but the guy is too hard during foreplay like leaving bruises after you struggled and repeatedly and said stop I don’t want to do it this way. But then you decide to regain control of the situation and refuse the role of the victim, and turn around and show him what hard sex is. You didn’t want to ruin the night, because it was planned. He was shaking he was so nervous when he was getting ready to start getting close. We had sex in the morning consentually, because I was not going to play the victim and wanted to make the best of it. He stopped communicating after a couple weeks citing his depression and lack of a job (he just finished his PhD at Stanford).. He contacted me a couple of times to “see how i was doing” and asked to be friends.He swears he was sorry that he left bruises where I told him to stop repeatedly and I continued so he’d stop where he was hurting me.. He asked me if I was trying to be very hurtful when I later told him that part of me thought it was rape. I don’t think about the incident even every month, but I am not interested in sex like I used to be. I try to think that I did have a romance with him. I forgive him. And I can’t have anything to do with him, because I love my current bf of three years. Why he did it or just plain over did it, because of his sense of inadequacy still makes me wonder. Was that date rape or almost? Thank you for your time, and your help for all.

  4. Lynn says:

    CP It’s rape if you told him no or tried to stop him and he didn’t. If you made it clear verbally or physically that it wasn’t ok and he forced himself on you then yes it is rape. Also, I would definitely get checked out by a doctor, even a free clinic if necessary. Lynn

  5. CP says:

    I have a question. I met a guy and we had been talking for a while, maybe a month, and one day he asked if he could come over and hang out. So I said yes. He came and we talked and watched TV and then out of nowhere he leaned over and kissed me. I wasn’t expecting it so I tried to lean away but he kept coming in. Then he unzipped my pants and took off his. Then he took off my panties and put me on the couch and began vaginal penetration. After he was done he put his stuff on and said if I wanted kids to text him again. After he left I felt dirty and stayed in my room all day. Then a few days later I started getting pains in my legs. And I felt like I brought it on because I said he could come hang out. I haven’t told any of my family yet because my family is so strict on having sex outside of marriage and they’d judge me. I also haven’t been eating a lot unless my dad tells me to. I didn’t tell my dad because I don’t feel comfortable talking to him. I didn’t tell my mom or aunt either because because they say I’m vulnerable. Is this rape? Because I just wanted to hang out and I wasn’t expecting sex to happen. I haven’t talked to anyone. What should I do?

  6. Lynn says:

    ej Instead of worrying about being as good to your boyfriend as he is to you I would worry about getting healthy for you both. You obviously didn’t have the support you needed the past couple of years and you feel it is now hurting your relationship with your boyfriend. So take care of yourself through professional counseling and that is not only going to help your and your future but also your relationship! Stay strong! Lynn

  7. ej says:

    It happened the night of my junior prom. It was my best friend terell’s friend, all I remember was before we had even left for prom we were all drinking and taking shots and the guy kept looking at me weird. Then by the time we got back from prom I was drunk I had fell down the stairs at one point. I remember the guy telling me to follow him upstairs and when I went up there we were watching TV then he started kissing on me and touching me then I blacked out all I remember after that was him on top of me and I kept saying stop, no, get off me and its was almost like I wasn’t in my own body like I couldn’t move to save my life… Then the next thing I remember is the guys friend juan was at the door and asked what was going on… Then the guy told Juan he was finished and if he wanted to come in the room to have me. Juan said no and went back downstairs this was when I was 16 i will be turning 20 feb21st I never went to the police to report it… My mom didn’t care. I currently have a boyfriend and he lives me without a doubt I feel like I will not be as good to him as he is to me, what do I do?

  8. Lynn says:

    A K. First this is a sexual assault and Second you are still a virgin. I understand how this can totally traumatize you because it was completely against your will. Just know that not all men are like this but it will take a while until you believe that understandably. You said you went through PTSD, was this diagnosed through a doctor? Because if it was you can probably get some therapists referrals from him. You definitely need to go through some type of therapy especially if you have PTSD. This is necessary for you mentally and physically. You are young and you can get your life back but the quickest and best way is to get into counseling. As you can see you haven’t been able to cope on your own (none of us can) so ask your doctor for a referral or just look up counselors in your area online, pick a woman though. Stay strong! Lynn

  9. Lynn says:

    A. Here is the deal, you have two options. First, If you feel the need to tell your partner you must be ready to take the consequences of how he will react either way, have a game plan but typically the longer you wait the less they tend to react in a good way. My issue with this is if he doesn’t react the way you would like then your are adding this new burden onto an already difficult situation and now you are putting your attention on your relationship instead of taking care of you. OR you could go to the doctor immediately get tested for STD’s and then get into counseling immediately. Don’t wait a week or two find someone that can get you in right away. If you have to call in the mornings to see if there is an appt cancelled do it. Then talk to them not only about what happened to you but how to tell your partner. Not only does this get you help right away but now you have documentation to show your boyfriend that you’ve been to the doctor and you are in counseling because your sanity and your relationship is so important you want to do the right thing for both. Let your partner knew he could only be your emotional support and you hope he will be but that the counseling will help you with ways that he couldn’t and you didn’t want to put that burden on him. and then ask him to please understand, be patient and be your rock for you when you need it. Hope that helps and I hope he is there for you.. Stay strong, Lynn

  10. A says:

    Recently I went on a night out with my best friend and we got so drunk it was ridiculous, and I hate myself for it. Anyway, we had met the lad in town and spent most of the night with him and he was a good laugh. He tried it on with me but I made it clear I am very much taken byy partner of 3 and 1/2 years and he backed off. Anyway it got to the end of the night and he had lost his friend and had no where to stay. I was blind drunk so my friend must have said he could stay at his. However when we get back at his, I pass out pretty much straight away, and my mates mam starts shouting and screaming because she was woken up. Now at this point I remember waking to her shouting and my friend leaves the room and that guy jumps on top of me. I remember not being able to lifting my head or shouting for help at first and just try to block it out. Then some where some how I manage to kick him from on top of me onto the floor. Thank god I don’t think he managed to finish and he quickly left. My friend came back in, which I dont remember, to finding me half naked and crying. I feel absolutely ashamed of myself for getting so drunk I was that vulnerable and I dont know how to deal with it. I also really want to tell my partner but I’m absolutely terrified he won’t same me as the same person as before. I know I’d be able to deal with it if he doesn’t and doesn’t change but what if he does? I’ve never felt so lost as to where to turn in all my life

  11. A K says:

    I am 18 yrs old I want to know of I was raped? it happened few months back I was in my hostel when a guy I just met months earlier called me about 8pm an asked DAT he wanted to see me but I told him I couldn’t come out for it was getting late but he promised to bring me back n said we where not going to stay out long after much persuasion I finally agreed so he said he was coming to pick me that I should start preparing that which I did when he came it was already past nine so I went with him he didn’t come with his car he picked me up with a taxi so we got to the bar where I hv never been before so he asked if we should hv wine but I said no I didnt want to get drunk because I know it wud put me in danger so I requested for soft but he said the don’t sell soft so I settled for a drink with low alcohol we talked for a long time that I did realise we have talked deep into d night just den about 11pm I told him I wanted to go but said I sud finish my drink first DAT I did hurriedly just den it became very windy an it was about to rain so we left d bar n I asked to call a taxi but he refused he said he will go get his friend car and drive me back I said OK let me wait here for u but he also refused he said he can’t leave me here alone so that I followed him to my dome when we got there it was already raining so he opened a door n asked me to go in I could not say no cause of the rain tho I became scared at that point but I just chose to trust him because he has been acting nice early so he came n said to me that his friend was not around but he has called to come pick me after d rain my terror began when he asked me to go n bath but I said I bathed before coming out so he went to bath after he came out with a spray n sprayed it on me put on music n he started making advances on me but I asked him to stop that I wasn’t ready and I was still still a virgin then he stopped at first but started a again this time forcefully I screamed for help n begged him to stop but was to no avail I kept struggling tho he was much bigger than I am he then said I should stop struggling that he is only going to have oral sèx with me but I kept on crying n yelling so he became violent an stripped me then held my nose n mouth like he was going to kill me at that point the only choice of survival I had was to give in so I told him I wasn’t going to scream again so I went cold as he carried out oral sex on me all I could do was to cry silently I hate myself for trusting to a fault tho there was no penetration I felt so used n dirty I was so scared of him that I couldn’t report this case to anybody till today I went tru PTSD I was Really traumatized I cried almost all the time the memories kept haunting me I try to control myself I don’t even know if am still a virgin or not and I now hate men I also have trust issue n its really affecting love life I don’t know what to do I need help.

  12. Lynn says:

    S. Sorry for the delay I’ve been having issues with my site. I’m so sorry that you are going through this and that your family has turned on you. The best thing for you to do to help you cope with your rape as well as your family issues is seek counseling. And you should be able to get referred by the division of family services. So whoever is your contact there then let them know you want professional counseling to help with your rape and the fact that your family doesn’t believe you. If for some reason they can’t help (pretty sure you can get free counseling) then call your local crisis center where they can refer you or even possibly your guidance counselor at school. I would go speak with them anyway to let them know what is going on in your life in case it is affecting your school work. Also, once you start seeking counseling maybe just maybe your mother or family members will start to believe you. But if not you still must take care of yourself, because you know the truth. Stay strong! Lynn

  13. s says:

    I was raped when I was younger, I am fifteen now. I told my teacher and she called division of family services and now I have to tell what happened but its just my word agonist theirs, yes I was raped by more than one person. My mother doesn’t believe me and every body in my family turned against me. I just don’t know who to turn to

  14. J says:

    This happen to me years ago and I didn’t really do much about it. it still haunts me to this day. I look back and I see it like I was watching someone else in my body and not me. I fell victim to the second of the two mentioned and even though the years past, I still wake up in a cold sweat and tears in my eyes some times. I’ve tried to block it out of my head for the past 3 years but parts of it are just to burned into my brain. Thankfully I found someone who I can trust, he knows and he understands what happened to me. when I’m with him its like he holds me together and sometimes I find myself feeling not so broken, maybe even whole again. yes the pain is still there, and yes the night terror’s still there but I open my eyes and see his face and it just vanishes. To anyone who has gone through this. It gets better, and you can keep living. I can’t tell you how long it’ll take but you can do it, you can keep going. I did, and I was 15 at the time. Good luck on your path. May you find peace, or at least an understanding with your demons

  15. Lynn says:

    No Name, I’m assuming this has already happened once, maybe even more than once. I would tell someone I could trust that could help me. I would get as far away from him as possible, if you can’t make an emergency plan. I would try to take some self defense classes, but a stun gun online for $50. And if all that fails and it does happen, fight if you can and only if you aren’t scared for your life and then keep all the DNA and pics you can and go straight to the police. But if you scared for your life you MUST make a plan to get away as soon as you can. Stay strong! Lynn

  16. No Name says:

    Someone I know rapes me, he threatens to beat me if I fight back, what can I do?!

  17. Lynn says:

    J Socks, it’s very simple STOP worrying about him and get the hell out of that relationship. I can promise you it will happen again at some point if you don’t. Why? Because he got away with it and he is in control of you. If it happened once and you are still with him he knows he can do it again. Of course he is acting like it wasn’t rape so he can stay in control. That is what rape is, control! I don’t understand why you are worried about his emotional well being more than your own? Which also tells me he is more in control over you than you think. Who gives a shit what he thinks or how he is acting or what people think? You need to protect yourself and do what is right for you. Let me put it this way. Read your story again and if the exact same thing happened to your daughter what would you tell her to do? I don’t think you would be wanting her to put him first and even stay with him would you? Think about it.. I think you would tell her to get counseling so she can break the cycle of letting someone control her and have enough confidence to recognize someone controlling her and get as far away from him as possible. Stay strong! Lynn

  18. Lynn says:

    DJ. Well I’m glad you have the support of your husband as that is so important. If it is affecting you adversely now though you might want to consider counseling. Stay strong! Lynn

  19. Lynn says:

    L. You must get professional counseling, the sooner the better. Rape isn’t something that we can just forget and move on it is like are shadow and we can’t run from it. The only way to deal is to face it head on through counseling. If this was happening to one of your friends wouldn’t you tell them the same thing. The only people that can truly help you are trained professionals or other victims that have been through it. We are not wired to understand how to deal with rape, therefore we must get professional help. Not only do you need it to help you with the rape, but your divorce the abortion and what you are going through on a daily basis. Let me explain it to you this way. Rape is about control not you (therefore YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME) and everyday that this rape consumes your life and how you act he is still in control of you. Don’t you think he has gotten enough? He doesn’t deserve to be in control of your life another minute! So take back control of your own life and your own future and get the professional help you need. You can’t change what happened but you can learn how to deal with it and once you do that you are in control of your future, NOT HIM! Stay strong! Lynn

  20. Lynn says:

    K. It is rape when someone has sex with you without your consent. How would that means he loves you. I don’t know anyone else that shows there love by having sex without consent. Anytime they don’t have your consent it is wrong! And lastly I would be worried because his actions are out of control not because of you. I would not trust this person. Lynn

  21. J Socks says:

    This all started about a year and a half ago when I started talking to an old lover from high school. I was stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship and I needed help. I had been raped by an ex years before that and my boyfriend at the time blamed me for it. (He blamed himself, but he felt heless and took it out on me instead)
    So this old friend of mine rembered how in high school I had confessed to him about the rape and he noticed I was displaying new symptoms of PTSD. He was able to help me out of that relationship and I immediately began dating him. He said from the very beginning that he would help me grow stronger, get over my past, and find my old self-confidence; but by the time he was done, I would hate him. I didn’t believe him. He was perfect, but I do admit I was blinded by my extreme anxiety and desperation to be loved, accepted, and understood. He provided all of those things completely.
    He and I were the type to play mind games with people. We see through lies, and know exactly how to make someone feel one way or another. We know this about each other and can tell when one is overstepping boundaries. and basically he was manipulatjve through most of the relationship. I didnt feel any concern because i trusted him completely.
    I still and a lot of triggers and some were getting worse. He helped me cope and work through each of them. And about a month jnto the relationship he said we should have sex so he can showme that I can be a good thing. Obviously, helping me simply because he loved me wasn’t the only thing on his agenda, but even though I was doubtful, he did just that. It was beautiful and I felt so loved.
    We are also both hypersexuals…and that lead to us becoming sex addicts. We are also both religious so in a matter of coming clean for our religious beliefs, we attempted to quit.
    Throughout the relationship, he became more and more demanding of me and more controlling. A few times he freaked out at me, (usually via text or facebook) and once he said he was going to kill himself because of something related to me seeing my ex boyfriend who had blamed me for the rape. That was around the same time that we were trying to quit our addiction. He had mentioned many times how it was wrong and I began to feel more and more guilty about it, and he urged that we fight the urge, but he didn’t seem to fight it too hard when things got heated.
    One night soon after he exclaimed he was suicidal, we were texting while i was at work and he said he wanted to do this and that to me and i replied with something simple amd close to, “i would love to feel that”. So hours later, we hung out at a park and he put the moves on me. I felt the guilt and I didn’t really want to do anything. Plus, it was stormy and lightning makes me anxious. When im anxious, i dont like to do anything sexual because it sometimes gives me flashbacks. Multiple times I redirected him and his hands, kindly, showing I wasn’t interested, but he never stopped. He kept going. It began to rain so we got back into his car and he began talking about how he’s been so depressed and he feels like our love is dying. He wants to “relive the past and feel our love like it used to be”. so i told him i was really anxious and i was afraid of which past experience i would relieve if he continued. He didnt stop at that and he got on top of me. I physically fought his hands, pushed him away, said no and stop multiple times and asked if we could cuddle instead. He kept saying, “don’t push me away, I need this.” He became more and more forceful and went in. So.. it was slow, and it didn’t hurt, he wasn’t trying to hurt me, but he would go half way in and out. I begged him to stop and I was crying. He said he was waiting for me to accept him. But he had already started.. he hadn’t ever really done this before. He was always kind and careful. Almost a whole year of nothing but kindness.
    The last time he said, “dont push me away” was terrifying. I suddenly remembered how he had a bunch of knives and sharp tools just an arms length away and i was really afraid that it was an actual possibility that he would hurt me if i didnt give in. From that point on, i told him i loved him and to keep going. He even waited for me to finish. Very difficult, might I point out.
    So now.. he’s in denial that it was rape. He says he “waited for me to say yes before he started to have sex with me.” Sure, his heart waited, but his body was still doing that action. He also says that I was wet, so I enjoyed it. (I told him about my past and back then, I was so uncomfortable and afraid that I was really dry. So he thinks just because I was wet I was okay with it)
    A few months later I broke up with him and he explained what he had done through the year and how it was all intentional and an act.
    He helped me. He really did. He loves me, I know this. He was still a jerk and didn’t make the best of decisions. . He could have helped me in different ways, but he thought this would be the best. I learned how to stand up for myself and I feel confident. He wasn’t ever actually suicidal and he’s totally fine.
    We got back together.
    I’ve noticed he has a hard timd taking responsibility for a lot of things.
    Little things.
    Mostly his actions during online games we play
    “If you had just done this, then I wouldn’t have died.”
    (When in reality it was his poor decision making that caused him to die)
    Every time that stormy night is brought up, he says I led him on (that single text that I sent while at work several hours before..) and it was partially my fault too. And I had to deal with the consequences. He also blames me for my family hating him. (We argued in front of my ex boyfriend and I accused him of rape so my ex told My family)
    He says, “you don’t defend me well enough. If you defended me, your family wouldn’t hate me”
    When the reality is, if he didn’t mistreat me, he wouldn’t be disliked.
    I think he’s in denial about what he did because he is scared that he did that. He asked, “do you think it was rape? Because if you do, ill have to leave you. I can’t live knowing that i am dating someone that I raped.”
    I also think he wants me to say it wasn’t rape so he won’t get in huge trouble with our church.
    We have recently discussed taking a break so we can continue our attempts to quit our addiction. And nothing like that night has ever happened again. Hes always respectful about when I want it and when I don’t. Though he does get a little mopey.
    I’ve tried telling him it’s okay.. I’m not mad at him. I just want him to own up to it.
    What should I do? Eventually our church will tell him it was rape. But. I want him to accept it before then so its not as strong of a blow, emotionally.

  22. Lynn says:

    S. Yes STOP seeing him, period. Who cares if their friendships break up, it should. The guy is bad news and knows he can control you and unfortunately you are letting him. Change your number and stop seeing this guy immediately. By writing an email you are continuing the process, just STOP! Lynn

  23. Lynn says:

    cbe. It was an issue of control because that is what rape is about. Without proper counseling it will be hard to separate your feelings. I wished survivors would get counseling before attempting any sexual activity. Sex can and should be a beautiful experience between 2 people and you don’t want that ruined in your future. So it’s necessary to get counseling so you not only separate the rape but so you can know when you are ready for sex again and making sure you do it for the right reasons. A lot of people just do it to prove they can (I did this also) but not because it was a special experience with the right person. For you, it takes you back to what happened because you haven’t mentally dealt with it. So first if you really care about your boyfriend tell him if you haven’t already. You do NOT need to go into details just tell him you are a survivor and dealing with these issues. Then get the counseling. If he cares for you he will understand and be your rock and do whatever you need him to do as in being patient. And he will know that you are trying to take care of yourself and your relationship through counseling. Stay strong! Lynn

  24. DJ says:

    This is an important website. I am 31 and only recently realized/admitted to myself that an episode that happened when I was 18 was rape, not just crappy sex, because I was consensually making out on his bed and also I froze rather than fighting once it was clear he wasn’t going to stop when I told him too, nor put on a condom. So I dealt with the aftermath as if it had been consensual, got a pregnancy test, told my boyfriend that I had been cheating on (I considered even kissing cheating, and that WAS consensual) that I had had sex with this man without telling him that I had also said “no”. It’s been a mindfuck to realize that I am a rape victim, but also very helpful I think in the way I see other rape victims and in explaining some of my behavior and emotions afterward that hadn’t made sense to me. I have been happily married for many years, and my husband is super supportive with the emotional processing I am doing now.

  25. Lynn says:

    AB You have the right to change your mind at any time, so you need to forgive yourself and put the blame where it belongs on him. Have you received and professional counseling? Because you need to if you haven’t. But your first step is to truly believe this wasn’t your fault. You need to let that burden go. I don’t care if you were laying naked on the bed ready and then changed your mind. They don’t control your body you do. And it is your right to change your mind. Everyday that goes by and you are carrying this burden is another day that he is in control of you. So get counseling and take back your life because he doesn’t deserve to control your emotions for another minute.. It’s your body and your life. Stay strong! Lynn

  26. L says:

    I was raped nearly three years ago, it was someone I new well, it was one of my best freinds husband. I never reported it , I went into shock and destroyed any evidence there may have been. my marridge has ended because of it, because he got me pregnant. I then had to go through a horrific abortion. I thought I have been dealing with it ok until recently I feel its getting on top of me and my everyday to day life. im scared of being alone anytime of the day, I wont go out in the dark, im afraid of men. I need help and I don’t know where to go to get it, I blame myself everyday, im not sleeping and I eat very little, please can you help me.

  27. k says:

    Does it mean rape when your boyfriend has sex with you when your asleep

    How can I tell if we’d only made love 2 days before? Does it mean he loves me and feels comfterble.. If he feels that way should I feel worried or concirned if its someone I love … What makes it right or wrong..??

    I’m so confussed I don’t know how to feel..

  28. S says:

    So this is really complicated and I hope that it doesn’t make me sound horrible. I knew this guy (a friend of my boyfriend) and I thought he wanted to hang out with me to become closer as friends. I’m pretty sure that’s not the reason now. I told him I only wanted to be friends with him, but he went ahead and kissed me anyways. And I was fine with that, but it quickly progressed, and soon his hands were down my pants. I don’t remember when I told him to stop, but every time I’ve said that he ignores it because he can tell that I’m aroused. I’ve previously said that I didn’t want to go far, because even though my boyfriend and I have an open relationship, we had promised to tell each other when we do something sexual with someone else, and obviously this was his friend, so it felt like a betrayal. Besides that, I just didn’t want to have sex with someone. I logically know you don’t have to love someone to sleep with them, but for me having a connection of some sorts helps. Anyways, he knows that my bf and I are kinky, so I think perhaps he thought my “no, stop,” didn’t actually mean what I said. I could have said it more forcibly, and admittedly when I do he does stop, but I did say it several times. I’ve also asked him to restrain himself more and not put me in that position, but he doesn’t listen. I always end up feeling ashamed both when I give in and when I say no, and disappointed in him for not being exactly who I thought he was. There are multiple reasons why I eventually stop saying no and stop pushing him away (though that’s always how it starts): I get tired of rejecting him, I feel guilty for leading him on, I know that he’ll stop being friends with me if I don’t give him something (I know he said otherwise, but I’m pretty sure he lied – or else he would have contacted me before this past time), and the worst of all is that I’m aroused when he’s doing this, so I figure I might as well finish and get something out of it. I know that sounds horrible, and I know that a ton of this is my fault, but I feel like he should stop when I tell him to. If he did, none of this would have been a problem. But for some reason, I keep coming back, hoping he’ll just converse and watch something with me instead of going after me. I know that he thinks he’s being passionate, but sometimes he does it from out of nowhere and before I can really say anything because his mouth is covering mine, he’s undone my pants. The time before this last past one, he said we could be friends and I actually believed him, because he seemed tired of my refusals, so I thought that he’d given up on doing anything intimate. I went over to his apartment when he said we’d just hang out, but he quickly started kissing me because, as he said, “my body-language was flirty,” but I again eventually told him to stop and he again didn’t. I told him I didn’t want penetration, and multiple times I had to stand up to stop him from inserting himself, and I told him later that I felt like he lured me under false pretenses. I’m not saying that what he did to me is rape, and that I wasn’t at fault at all, because of course I could’ve been more clear, but I thought that once you said, “no,” it’s supposed to stop. And he rarely does. In addition to that, when I did say no this last time, he told me I was being selfish because he fingered me and he wanted me to do something for him in turn. He’s previously done something similar, although not as specific, where he tells me that I’m somehow not holding my end of the bargain. But I’ve already explained to him how I feel, the guilt and shame it causes me, and that I would appreciate it if he would stop. Anyways, my boyfriend saw a text message from him to me about that night, saying that he liked “overpowering” me (which again makes me think that every time I say no, he just thinks I’m playing), and my boyfriend got upset at me for not being honest about what was going on. I told him what he and I did, but when he asked me about that specific text, I became quiet. I didn’t want him to think badly of his friend, and I didn’t want to be “the girl that breaks up friendships,” but he knows me well enough to know when I’m holding back (I’m also a horrible liar – everything is always written all over my face). At first, all I said was that I didn’t mean for it to go that far, but then he asked me why I didn’t say no. I was again quiet, so then he asked me if I did actually say no. Eventually, the whole story came up, and he was even more upset for me not telling him because the entire point of our promise was to communicate effectively with one another so that neither one of is unhappy. He also sees himself as being my protector, because he knows that I’ve previously had a bad relationship. I should have told him, I know, and I actually did want to ask his opinion on what I should do, but it was his friend, you know? And I knew it would sound worse than it probably was if said out loud. It must have, because he said that it was basically rape. And I get what he’s saying, but I feel even more guilty now because my feebleness might lead to these friends breaking things off. I feel like it’s still my fault. I wasn’t ever scared of the guy, though – so I’m not sure it qualifies as submissive rape – but he was too heavy for me to push off (I know, I tried), too persistent even when I said no, and a little forceful about my obligations to him. On the other hand, my bf thinks I need to write an email to the guy, because the guy’s unwillingness to stop might lead to future bad encounters where he’d do the same thing, and while I do understand that, I don’t know what to say and how to make it as non-combative as possible. Suggestions?

  29. cbe says:

    Where do I begin? It seems to have happened so long ago, but it is starting to affect me now. When I was in highschool I was close friends with a guy and we would occasionally make out, but it never breached that. I have vaginismis and intimacy with me seems to be beyond complicated. One night I went to place and things had gone farther then they had before. He was ontop of me pulling my pants off and pressing his body hard against mineso i couldn’t move my arms.I must of said no at least twice but he, well for lack of better words did it any way. I remember laying there in pain and trying to make things go faster. When it was over I got my things and left. Being young and in denial I won’t lie I continued to remain his distant “friend” and every sexual encounter I have had after this has felt like a control and violant outburst. I, to this date can not get over the guilt I feel for putting my self and my body in that position. I am trying to work on my vaginismis so Can feel healthy. But to this day my new boyfriend Is unable to touch me without me thinking he is just wanting to control me. It’s really been an issue. I can only hope that one day I can release this fear and guilt of feeling that it was my fault.

  30. Lynn says:

    T. PLEASE stop worrying about everyone else and putting them first. You were raped and you need to get away from this guy immediately. He did this twice to you and you are ok with it because you hurt him??? This makes no sense because there is NO reason for rape. This guy lied to you to get sex and then forced himself on you twice. You need to get professional counseling immediately because rape is about control and that is exactly what this guy is doing to you. He doesn’t care about you, only himself. He doesn’t care you broke up, only that he can now not control you for sex. Do you get it? Let me put it this way.. ready your story again but instead of the story being about you, it’s about your daughter. What would you want her to do?? Pretty sure tell you, pretty sure get counseling and pretty sure get her aa far away as possible from this guy, right? Would you tell her it was OK because she broke up with him and hurt him? No I don’t think you would. So stop making excuses for him and get away from him, change your number, tell your parents and get into counseling. That is exactly what you would want your daughter to do. I sure hope you listen to me because if you keep this guy in your life he will try to keep controlling you. Stay strong! Lynn

  31. Lynn says:

    E. First and foremost if your current boyfriend thinks you are to blame, drop him immediately. If you aren’t getting the support you need now it isn’t going to come later. Second I want you to start caring for yourself before you worry about anyone else (and that means your boyfriend). I’m not sure why you would want to be in a relationship with someone that puts any blame on you. You need to take care of yourself through professional counseling. You don’t need to even be in a relationship until you take care of yourself because it will affect it. I’m glad you told him, you should tell every guy before you have sex with them and this is the perfect reason why. You need to find oout if they are in it for the right reasons, and your current one isn’t. So drop him and get into counseling. I promise you the longer you wait the longer it will take to heal. Stay strong! Lynn

  32. Lynn says:

    J23, First question and this is in no way judging you, were you intoxicated? The only reason I ask is if you were then yes this could be rape. Or if somehow you felt threatened by him and were scared, then that too could be rape. If you were not intoxicated and gave him no indication by either verbally telling him or try and get away from him/the situation or somehow let him know that he could not do this to you then how would he know to stop or that you weren’t into it? Only you were there and can answer that. But again if you felt threatened by him (which is when sometimes we freeze up) or if he got rough with you against your will then it is absolutely rape. Hope that helps, stay strong! Lynn

  33. AB says:

    It was a year ago and I was talking to this boy I really liked and he told everyone he liked me . So one day he called me and was like what are you doing ?! And I was like nothing just thinking about what I am going to do this weekend and he said there is a party you should go with me and I said okay .The next day he called again and said you going to leave the party with me too and I said yes and he asked if we were going to do anything and I said no because I was still a virgin and I wanted to wait but then he was like everyone is doing it , it’s fun ect. And I was like fine then sure ! So we get to the party and I txt him and said I don’t want to , I want to wait . So I tried to avoid him the whole night and I was talking to my friend in the bathroom and she left out and I was walking out and he walked in and pushed me in the bathroom and started to pull down my pants but i was yelling and he wouldn’t stop then he said it was my fault because I said yes first and I asked for it then someone knocked on the door I was going to yell but he said say someone is in here or I will hurt you so I did and he kept going . I was trying to push him off but he slapped me and kept calling me names and said you asked for it . I felt so dirty after and I blamed it all on me till this day I still do because I said yes first .

  34. T says:

    I was in a relationship since almost 2 years with this guy. I lost my virginity to him. But after about year i didn’t feel comfortable fooling around with him. I told him that and he always said that the next time we met alone he wouldn’t do anything. But we eventually always ended up having sex and i could never tell him no because it felt silly since we had been doing stuff since a year now. But i finally broke up with him a few days back. And soon after he forced himself on me. I realized he was hurt. It happened again the next day when he was drunk. I let him know that i’m really pissed at him and that he cant do that anymore. But we still talk and hes been apologizing and trying to make up for it. I don’t want to assign any blame here…cuz i hurt him really bad when i broke up with him. I just want to be able to deal with this. I feel hurt and upset and angry at myself and at him but i dont know what to do. I cant see a psychologist since i don’t want my parents to know, i don’t want to hurt them. But i really want to be able to talk to someone abt this, before im completely screwed in the head..lol. Just someone tell me what to do?

  35. J23 says:

    I went over to this guys house and he was already naked when I walked in but I didn’t know before I went over and he started to kiss me and then get in top of me and he told me to take off my panties and jeans and then he was inside me? Is it technically rape? because I didn’t say no I just went along with it and I didn’t fight back

  36. E says:

    I had a boyfriend who was way olde than I am with 8 years. I trusted him so much and I felt safe cos he was older and I felt he was matured. I went over to his place for the weekend tho I av been there once for a night and nothing happened. It was d best night and that was what made me to trust him. So I went there thinking he was cool and controlled. One d last day I was to leave he forced himself on me knowing fully well that I was a virgin. I was too scared to do anything, its going to be a year dis June and I never reported the case to anybody cos I know that I will be blamed for what happened. I have tried to put the incidence behind me and I am trying to move on. I am in a relationship at the moment and I told him what happened (which am regretting I did) cos he thinks I should av avoided it. We just started dating and things looks like they are going too fast. I am so scared I don’t want what happened to affect this new relationship. Please I need help. Sometimes I have flashbacks and I blame myself most times for it. It hurts

  37. Lynn says:

    K. This is a very grey area because if you don’t ever tell him no or ever try to stop him then he doesn’t know. Unless he tried to have sex when you weren’t mentally incapable of saying no, like if you were incoherent or something, then that is rape. Also, if he was ever forceful with you, whether or not you say no that is rape because he is forcing you against your will. Hope that helps. Lynn

  38. Lynn says:

    D. It bothers me so deeply when people think they can’t go to their parents because they are more worried about them than what they are going through. My question to you is if this was your daughter what would you want her to do? I’m sure you would hope that she would come to you for help. I’m sure you would want her to get professional counseling, take her to the doctor, want to know who did this to her. If your daughter felt she couldn’t come to you, how would that make you feel. What if you found out years later that she went through that without ever coming to you. I think you do know the answer of what to do. Stay strong, you can do it! Lynn

  39. d says:

    I was raped by someone I trusted so much. I still can’t believe he could be that cruel to me. He’s married and has a daughter of his own yet he chose to rape someone else’s daughter. What can I do? Its getting the better part of me. I can’t even tell my parents. My mom would die of shock since it happened in his house. I’m totally confused and I don’t know what to do. I need help.

  40. K says:

    When I’d go to my (ex) boyfriend’s house we would always have sex but I never really wanted to. At first he would try to undo my jeans and I would move his hand away and say no but he’d keep trying. He was never violent or forceful or mean, quite the opposite actually. I just couldn’t say no to him but to be honest I was terrified and I always felt really really bad about myself afterwards. After the first couple of times this happened I stopped trying to stop him. I was really depressed and I didn’t have the energy anymore. I would let him do whatever he wanted and while I never said “yes” I never said “no” either. He would ask if I wanted to and I would just look at him and not say anything so eventually he would do it anyway. Even though I felt like complete shit and it was affecting my school and my overall mood I didn’t think he was wrong. I blamed myself for not saying something to him. I should have told him I didn’t want to do it, I should have told him no when he’d ask but I wanted to be with him. I wanted him to love me and I didn’t want him to leave. The last time I saw him everything was playing out as it normally did but I felt weird. Just before we actually did it I went into a huge anxiety attack. I was trembling really bad and crying and hyperventilating and I wouldn’t let him touch me. He calmed me down but we ended up not having sex. I didn’t see or talk to him for about a week after that and by the time I did he’d found a new girlfriend. Just recently I read an article about a girl who was raped but she didn’t realize it was rape until years after it happened. She was in a similar situation but with a much older man. She didn’t say yes, but she didn’t say no or try to stop him. I never in a million years would have considered what we were doing to be rape, I mean he had no way of knowing I didn’t want to do it right? I’m still unsure if it qualifies as rape but it really eats at me… I don’t want to get him into trouble, I still feel like it’s not his fault. I just want to know if it was technically rape or not (I was 17 at the time and he was 20).

  41. Lynn says:

    22 Any time you don’t consent to sex it is rape especially when you aren’t coherent to ask. The first time wasn’t but the second time was, to be clear. I’m glad you came to look for help because that means you are ready. For the record just because you drank too much is NOT an excuse for rape, there is NEVER an excuse for rape. Your best step is to get professional counseling. This is not only going to help you deal with the rape but with your current boyfriend. That being said, YOU are first! So take care of yourself first (meaning dealing with the rape) and then you can move onto you current relationship. Because once you start getting your head together, dealing with all the other issues becomes easier and clearer. Stay strong! Lynn

  42. Lynn says:

    J. This is absolutely rape. Any time you are forced to have sex against your will it is rape. I would save all messages, texts etc to help build your case BUT stay away from him. Rape is about control and because you haven’t reported him he thinks he still has control over you. And by the way this happens way more than you think for people to be in abusive relationships and it is rape. It doesn’t matter if it is with the person you are in a relationship or not. What determines rape is if it is against your will. He is just trying to control your mind and body. If you have any text messages or phone messages already take them to the police and show them and tell them you are scared because of what he has done to you, which is why you didn’t go to them sooner and ask for their help. Either way whatever you do you need to get counseling, this will not only help you heal but it can help with how to deal with him going forward. Stay strong! Lynn

  43. 22 says:

    Almost a year ago I went out drinking with friends and my boyfriend (at the time) I had drank way too much. My boyfriend and I went back to my apartment and I drunkenly had sex with him, but as soon as it was over I passed out. I half way woke up a little later to my boyfriend having sex with me again I tried to put my hands up and say “no” but I couldn’t get my body to do what I wanted it to do. He doesn’t believe it was rape because we had sex before and I didn’t say no, I still can’t say I was raped. I stayed with him for a month after the incident before I finally mustered the courage to break up with him. We had been together for almost 7 years and throughout our relationship we had a lot of issued with sex. He took my virginity in high school after three years of dating, I still didn’t want to do it but I was stupid and thought I couldn’t live without him and knew he would leave me if I didn’t have sex with him. After that happened I wouldn’t let him come near me for months. I have a new boyfriend now who I have told and he’s completely understanding but he knows I need help. This month is a year from when it happened and I have a complete melt down after drinking too much and remembering what had happened to me. I still haven’t told my parents because I feel like they won’t consider what happened to me to be rape and tell me it was my own fault for ever having sex with him and for drinking too much. I just don’t know how to deal with what happened or if what happened was even rape. I can’t let my ex ruin my life anymore and I can’t let what happened ruin the relationship I have now.

  44. J says:

    my ex boyfriend used to threaten to leave me if i didnt have sex with him. hed force himself on me & i wasnt able to do anything. were notgether anymore but he continues to call & say hes goin to get a restraint on me. which makes no sense. im trying to build a case but unsure on what type of rape it is. i was innocent & still had my innocences before he forced me todo things. help? idk what todo or call it. because he says since we wete together i cant do anything about it, but i dont want him to get away wirh this.

  45. Lynn says:

    AM. I am glad you came here for help because that means you are ready to receive it. As you can tell trying to sweep it under the rug doesn’t help. Rape is like a shadow that you can’t run from, the only way to deal is to face it head on, through counseling. Whenever you are ready either call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you for help. You need to understand that keeping it inside only makes the wound deeper and deeper and I promise you it will come out and typically when you least expect it. You are young and the quicker you get professional help the sooner you will start healing. The longer you wait the longer it takes. And trust me when I tell you that you needs this help for future relationship for when you have a family, maybe a little girl and then she is your age. This is something that never goes away unfortunately HOWEVER we can learn to deal which makes us heal. And the more you let out through talking, tears, writing etc the more room you have to heal so don’t be scared. Also, you should be talking to the counselor about details NOT boyfriends, parents, friends. It’s absolutely ok to tell them you are a rape survivor, but not necessary to go into details because sometimes that hurts the situation more than helps. That should be left for the professional that knows how to constructively help you going forward. Stay strong! Lynn

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