If you’re feeling lost and looking for some inspiration or would like to talk with someone that will not pass judgment on you, please feel free to contact me by leaving a comment at the end of this post. Posts are kept anonymous. Definitely take a minute to check out all the content. Is your rape controlling you? Well this website is to help YOU GET BACK IN CONTROL. It is to offer anonymous, encouraging ideas which can hopefully help rape survivors deal with their emotions, which is a necessary process in order to start the healing process. I thought as a survivor, with a year of personal counseling under my belt, and currently a rape counselor (my purpose in life now) why not share what I’ve learned with those in need. I know as a survivor the variety of mixed emotions, that can seem almost impossible to deal with at times, that affect you in your everyday life. As a counselor for the past 4 years I’ve also been exposed to a lot of different situations and types of rape. Please know you are not alone and you don’t have to be!
A. Absolutely yes this is rape. Reason is you said no to intercourse the entire time and tried to get him to stop. You never wavered from saying no to intercourse. People can make out and go to second or third base but if you don’t want intercourse and made it perfectly clear before during and after then this is rape. And I know you were trying to get him to stop when you told him to put a condom on. You should report this and if you have any clothes or evidence with dna keep it and take it to the cops. If you don’t want to report it at the very least make sure you are safe from this guy and get counseling. Change your phone number if he has it and get a stun gun. I would also recommend self defense classes as well to make sure this never happens to you again. Make sure to stay as far away from this guy as possible because if he thinks he got away with it he may try again. Stay strong! Lynn
So i had this guy over and it was our first time hanging out and everything was good but about 30 minutes in he tried kissing me and at first I resisted but then I ended up kissing him. We made out for a little while and he kept trying to put his pants up my dress and i kept saying no and he kept trying to the point where i had to push hard to get his hand off of me. we were standing up and he pushed me on the bed and we started making out again, little did I know he took his dick out. Once I realized it was out I told him no do not put it in me and he agreed. We were making out again and getting into the moment he took advantage. He put his dick inside me and when i realized it I told him to stop and get it out. since he was on top there was no way to push him off me. he laughed and said just give me a couple more minutes. i told him no but he didnt stop. So i told him to at least put a condom on and he still wouldnt stop. he kept at it until he finished. Now I feel helpless and confused and crushed cause I did not want this to happen. I dont know what to do. Is this even considered rape?
P. I’m so sorry that you are going through this but you need to get counseling. You can call your local crisis center or you can go to rainn.org and find a counselor near you. If you are underage go to your school counselor and see if they can help. You have several ways to get help, even the suicide hotline, just don’t give up on yourself. Sometimes the crisis center offers group counseling for free and the reason I suggest that is that you will find lifelong friends there that understand what you are going through and can help. You will find someone that you can call anytime and will be there for you. Just know your life is worth living, even though I know it doesn’t seem like it right now. The more you hurt yourself the more they win and they don’t deserve to win. But YOU DO DESERVE a GOOD LIFE. But you do have to work at it. Just don’t give up. Find someone you trust, confide in them and ask for their help. You can do it, I know you can. I’m glad you came here to ask for help. Now go and try and get it. The sooner you do the sooner help will come and I promise you will feel better. You are worthy of a good life so please don’t give up. Stay strong! Lynn
K. If you haven’t washed your clothes DON’T! I would go straight to the police with your clothes because they will have DNA on them. You also need to tell the campus police. I guarantee this isn’t the first time and won’t be the last and you need to protect yourself and others. If you have any bruises still take a picture, if not go to the doctor and ask for an exam. Even if you’ve washed yourself there could be tears down there or other evidence that it was against your will. Let me explain something to you. Rape is about control NOT you, and when you don’t report it they feel they are still in control and will try it again whether or not it is with you, they know they can get away because it is your word against his. However you don’t know that he hasn’t been reported before. They might just need someone to step up OR if he hasn’t been at least everyone will be on alert. The next step is to counseling, whether or not you decide to turn him in this is a necessary step for you to heal. You can read through all the posts and it doesn’t matter how much time goes by it always affects them and their life at one point or another without counseling. Also the sooner you get it the sooner you get your life back. The longer you wait the longer it takes. Now I DO NOT want you to feel ashamed because rape doesn’t define you, only the person that did this to you as a rapist. So don’t walk, run to the police. Make sure you have a friend or family member that will support you no matter what and someone you can turn to day or night in between counseling. Make sure this person is dependable and trustworthy of what you tell them. I would also recommend getting a stun gun to carry around, you can get one from $30 to $50 bucks. You might want to consider a self defense class as well. I just don’t want you to be ashamed because you didn’t do anything wrong other than trust someone. So don’t carry the burden on your shoulders. Stick up for yourself and others girls and let him feel the burden of his actions by going to the police. And whatever you take care of yourself with counseling and protect yourself. Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped by my couson on 2011 December i cant get over it, it just feels new and hard to deal with, i tried killing my self several times bu i failed, i never thought that will ever happen in my family
it was’nt my first time thpugh it was my 7th time i seems to find it hard to deal with this i will live with it for my entire life, being gang raped is a worst part ever that just make my mind shut down, and hate myself more
I am a 19 year old freshman in college. A few nights ago I was raped. My friends and I decided to go to the frat houses to go to parties all night long. We drank at least two bottles of vodka and were given drinks as well. I was on the verge of blacking out that night because I had so much to drink. My friend and I were too drunk to drive back to our place so we decided to stay at her boyfriend’s dorm because it was closer. We couldn’t seem to find our way back to the dorm so we called his roommate to come walk us back to the dorm. My friend’s boyfriend wasn’t there so it was just me, my friend, and his roommate. He was aware of how drunk we were. Once we got to the dorm, my friend passed out in her boyfriend’s bed. I had a cut on my leg and asked the roommate if he had hydrogen peroxide to clean my cut. He said to follow him so I went with him to his room. Before I knew it, he pulled off all of my clothes and was laying on top of me. I kept trying to say stop and tried to leave multiple times, but I was too intoxicated to get away and get this guy off of me. He overpowered me and I couldn’t do anything about it. The last thing that I remember from that night was shoving my face into the pillow and crying while he raped me. I’m assuming that I passed out after that. When I woke up in the morning, I was in my clothes and I was by myself in the guy’s bed. As soon as I woke up, I grabbed my stuff and left. This incident has traumatized me. There isn’t any way that I can put my feelings into words. I need advice on how to cope with this incident.
JA, It is absolutely positively necessary for you to seek professional counseling. I promise you will be glad you did. It’s not easy but it isn’t as hard as it creeping up on you when you least expect it and affecting all facets of your life. Counseling is the one thing you MUST do to ensure a happy future and successful relationships. You are thinking about dealing right now but you have to think about how it will affect your future going forward. You have some deep issues with the young molestation and you need to think about how it will affect you when you have kids of your own. All these things come into play and with the right counseling you will know you did the right thing. Something I can tell you from experience is you have to let it out to have room to heal. So not talking is the worst thing you can do. Good luck stay strong! Lynn
I was molested when I was a 11 by someone younger than I was. I blocked it out until high school and I have never really fully dealt with it, but I think I coped pretty well. Last year on June 2, 2012 I was at a college party and I was drinking and after 2 beers I blacked out. All I can remember is 2 seconds of the rape when I tried to push him off, but blacked out again. The next thing I know I’m in my car driving home. I have only talked to one person about this and has insisted that I at least talk to a professional. I think I have been doing really well since, but every time someone touches me unexpectedly the flashbacks of that night start up and it makes me feel like a crazy person. But I accept it happened and I have been dealing with it on a daily basis telling myself it’s okay and I have stopped drinking all together and attending parties. I guess I want to know if it is really worth seeing a professional, I’ve read many things online on how to cope and have tried most. But this is one thing I really don’t want to do, because I don’t like talking about it. Any help would be awesome. Thanks for the site by the way.
Wa, First I would suggest getting her to a doctor and getting checked out. Then I suggest getting her to counseling HOWEVER all you can do is suggest it. She has to go when she is ready and if she is trying to act like it didn’t happen then she probably isn’t ready. She is going to have to admit to herself that this happened and she needs help. Keep an eye on her that she doesn’t start doing to many drugs or drinking heavily. if she does explain to her that this only masked the problem and it will still be there in the morning and she most likely will be more depressed. Bring her to this site so she can read ways to help herself as well as the other posts.. the other posts will show her that rape is never forgotten and the longer you suppress your feelings the longer it takes to heal. Also I would not be having sex with her unless she requests it and even then I would be careful emotionally and use protection until she gets an OK from the doctor. As far as you, just be her rock. If she needs space give it to her. If she needs a shoulder to cry on be there. But you need to understand that you can not heal her, only through professional counseling (when she is ready) will she heal. Just have empathy towards her and respect her wishes. Stay strong! Lynn
A girl. Absolutely this was rape. You aren’t the only one that hasn’t fought back, there are many many of us that don’t fight back because we are in survival mode. If a person is capable of rape, they are capable of doing worse especially if things don’t go their way. Just like in your situation. So please don’t feel bad that you didn’t fight back because you were trying to not get hurt any worse. You need to get counseling for this and the sooner the better. The longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. I promise you this isn’t something you can try and forget or push down and not think about it. It will rear it’s ugly head at some point and affect your life in so many detrimental ways. So get the counseling you need so that doesn’t happen. Stay strong! Lynn
AM. The first thing you need to do is protect yourself. Because if your family is on his side then he definitely feel slike he is still in control. The very first thing I’d be doing outside of counseling is taking self defense classes. Then IF he tries it again you will be able to kick the shit out of him. He won’t expect it and when he is hurt you can tell your family that you did it and then maybe they would believe you. Obviously this is ONLY if he tries to hurt you again. I would also get a stun gun which you can purchase off the internet for $30 to $50 dollars. I have one myself and they are smaller about the size of a cell phone. But this shouldn’t replace the self defense class. That will give you a sense of security and help build your self esteem. Carry your stun gun with you at all times and make sure you get the one that has a pin in it on the wrist ban. That way when you have it wrapped around your wrist if someone was to try and pull it away from you the pin comes out and it won’t work. No one can ever use it on you. If you see him EVER at your college I would immediately go to a school guidance counselor and let them know. I hope with all this advice that he never gets away with it again BUT god forbid he does report him, save your clothes any evidence and report him because you have told your parents and they can back you up that you have in fact told them that he has done this whether or not they believe you. Once you have the evidence I don’t think they are going to lie to the police. Stay strong and stay in counseling. Lynn
ACA, I need you to do 3 things for me and I really think it will help you, #1) don’t give up on your counseling or yourself, #2) stop blaming yourself, which means forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong, you said no and he didn’t listen and disrespected you. This is totally on him not you. Forgive yourself for not turning him in too. And #3) STOP texting, talking communicated in any way with him. Change your number, immediately. Every time he contacts you it takes you a step back in your recovery. Let me explain to you that rape is about control, NOT you. And this guy still thinks he is control because you are letting him. I know this is not intentional because you probably didn’t realize this so don’t beat yourself up over it. You MUST change your number and this is a big step in taking back control. The second step is to try and stop living in the past. It can not be changed and you have absolutely no control over the past. The only control you have is of your future. And everyday that goes by that you let this affect your emotions, HE IS STILL IN CONTROL OF YOU! Don’t you think he has taken enough of your life? Don’t let him have another minute. Stand up tall and tell yourself “this does not define me, only him as a rapist”. Take care of yourself and set goals of how you want your future to be and take baby steps everyday to get there. Tell yourself “I’m in control NOT him” and prove it to yourself everyday. Write that down on sticky notes and put it in your car on you mirror wherever so you repeat it yourself all the time. This really does work I promise. You will feel stronger and more positive. As far as relationships I personally don’t think you need to be in one right now. But if you feel the need to have someone there you MUST tell them you are a rape survivor. You DO NOT go into details only that you are a survivor and would appreciate their empathy when needed. Ask them to be your rock but also tell them you don’t expect them to heal you that is what you are going to counseling for. That way they understand what is going on but at the same time you are taking the pressure off them if they don’t know what to say or do. And that also tells them you are being strong and getting the appropriate help you need. Stay strong! Lynn
A.E. You are going through this trauma now because your mind can no longer hold it in. You probably knew back then that something wasn’t right but because of your young age and vulnerability at the time you just wished and tried to believe it wasn’t bad. As you got older the more you understood how things worked and grew to know what was right or wrong you suppressed these feelings because you didn’t want to admit to yourself what had happened. Which is why you felt like it was rape when you tried to have sex. Then when the counselor pointed it out it all became real, which is why you are going through the emotions now, that you should have gone through back then. No matter what we do we can not suppress the feelings associated with rape. They will come out at some point. We can’t forget it we can’t sweep it under the rug and we can’t run from it. the best thing to do is exactly what you are doing facing it head on through counseling. You must continue no matter how many feelings you are going through right now because you have to feel in order to heal. I agree that you need to try and find a person that you can talk to. Preferably someone that you can turn to 24/7 when you need them and the counselor isn’t available. It doesn’t have to be your parents and if you do decide to go to them I’m not sure if I would actually go into the details just let them know you are a survivor and need their support. One thing I need you to do is NOT be ashamed. I get the feeling that is why you can’t find anyone to talk to. You can not let this define you, as you did nothing wrong. And if you do find that person to talk to let them know up front that all you are asking from them is an ear to listen and someone to be there for you when you are scared and don’t want to be alone. You are NOT expecting them to heal you as you are going to counseling for that. That way it alleviates the pressure from them if they don’t know what to say or do. Just ask for their empathy and to be your rock when needed. Make sure this person is trustworthy and won’t tell anyone else too. I think the writing is a very good idea and I would try and do it before you go to sleep as a mental release before bed. And when you are done writing try to do some yoga because this will also help with anxiety and improve your sleep. One last thing if you truly can’t find anyone you feel comfortable talking to, talk to a dog or cat if you have one, if not go rescue one. I know this sounds crazy but they will give you unconditional love and you can talk all you want and they won’t tell. An animal really is great therapy. Stay strong! Lynn
my girlfriend and i were at at party, we were both high, i was one of the only people cool to drive and i left to pick somebody up leaving my girlfriend there, she was fine she was sitting in a chair and didnt want to move so i left her there i said id be right backo, i thought it would be quick, while i was gone a fight broke out and she ran she said she had to ge taway, she gt into a car with people she didnt know. i managed to get a hold of her while she was in the car. they were all just “chiling at circle k” i rushed there and by the time i got there she was gone. a friend a i managed to track her down at somebody house about an hour or two later, she was just laying there with her eyes wide open, i souldve known i shouldve taken her to the police right then and there, i might have been in denial, i dont know, i took her back to my house and we went to sleep, the next morning we woke up and had sex, she said she didnt feel like it at first , just once i said are you sure you dont want to, she said we could, so we dd, i dont know why ididnt see it, i could tell someting was worng after, we got into a fight aand she left, after she left she sent me a text saying three maybe four guys held her down that night and raped her in the car, i blame myself i shouldve made her come with me, i shouldve stayed there i dont know what to do i just keep going over everything in my head wishing i could take it from her just wishing to go back and make her come with me. i dont know what to do i need help, we both do.. shes becoming introverted, shes just trying to act like shes all right around everybody but me, shes just trying to forget.. please i need help, i need advice on what to do
I was in a situation where I told him to stop but he kept insisting that it was ok. He was rough and bruised my neck with bites. If I struggled or didn’t respond how he wanted me to he would just bite harder. I guess what I’m really trying to ask is, is it rape if I didn’t fight back? I wasn’t strong enough to push him off and it just seemed to make it worse..
I was raped by the boyfriend of a family member for the first time on January 1st 2012, and then multiple times since then for around 10 months before I told someone about it. I was 16 at the time it started and now I am 17. My life went on a downward spiral since then though. I had started drinking because it seemed to be the only way that I could deal with it, but after people found out, I had to stop. I have been going to a therapist to try to help deal with the feelings, but I had repressed them because I didnt want to deal with it. They are starting to come back though and it has started to stress me out more. I have been wanting to start drinking again from the stress. My family is torn because they all love him and dont want to believe that he would do anything like that. I dont know what to do anymore. It has been about 7 months since the last time that he raped me, but I feel as though he still has his control over my life. I cant go a day without crying because I am lost and dont know what to do. Im supposed to leave for college in a few months, but the school Im going to go to is only 10 minutes away from his house. Im very scared about this, and I have a feeling that I will never be able to get my control back or get over being raped..
EC. No this was not your fault! And it sounds like you both were drugged and definitely raped. And until you get the counseling you need it will continue to affect your life adversely. Many people try and push it away and forget but that just isn’t how it works. Rape is like your shadow that you can never run from and until you face it head on and learn to deal with it your past will continue to haunt you. Counseling isn’t easy but it is a lot easier than what you’ve been through. And you shouldn’t get into a relationship until you do get the proper counseling. Because any man you decide to have a sexual relationship with you are going to need to tell him you are a survivor BEFORE sex. You do not need to give any details just let him know you are a rape survivor. I know you think this is crazy but he needs to know to be empathetic if and when you have issues. And you need to know he truly cares about you and cares enough to stay with you knowing this information. Some aren’t in it for the right reasons and you may tell them and they run, but it’s better that you know that BEFORE sex NOT after especially if you are getting attached. AND if he doesn’t run then that will make you feel so much better because you know he truly does care and is staying with you and will most likely support you in the ways you need. Also when you have this conversation you must let them know that you are in counseling for it, that way they don’t think you are looking at them to help heal you. Instead you are taking care of yourself and that shows them you are getting professional help that they can’t give (that takes the pressure off them). Just remember the first step is to truly beleive that this IN NO WAY was your fault. Just because you trusted someone or even had a drink doesn’t justify rape, NOTHING does!! So now go get the counseling you need. You and your future are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped last year. It was by this guy that I really liked. I felt like I really led him on. He was really drunk that night. When he came over I thought we would just hang out and that would be it. We were in a public place but it was dark. I honestly thought nothing would happen. I told him no over and over but he didn’t take no for an answer. When it started I remembered a quote by some awful European dictator saying basically if rape was imminent you might as well get it over and done with. When it started I just remembered thinking- you might as well go along with this because you don’t want to be a rape victim. But I didn’t want it to happen in the first place. I don’t understand why he didn’t stop when I said ‘no’. I was so depressed at the end of last year. Now I just feel awful. I have seen a few counsellors but I feel like once the hour is over I go back home, sit in my house and everything goes back to how it was. I’m not suicidal, but I think a lot about how much easier it would be to die. He stayed in touch for a while & told me I wanted it even if I said I didn’t. Sometimes he still texts. I am dating this guy at the moment and sometimes I just feel so claustrophobic. I get so stressed about sex, and what he thinks of me seems to matter a lot more. I haven’t told him what happened but a few times we have been fooling around and I have stopped to cry. The worst thing is that I could imagine his face if I had reported it straight afterwards. He literally wouldn’t have been able to believe it because somehow me saying no equivocated a yes. I am so tired, I have told a few friends but the burden still feels so heavy. I really don’t get how I can do it anymore.
It was two years ago. I had just turned 18 and I was a virgin at the time. I went on a cruise with my best friend. There were about 15 older guys who were in the Navy and happened to be on our cruise ship, we noticed them the one day, one of which I thought was pretty cute. We made friends with this girl on the trip and she invited us to drink with those guys, all of which were older than 20 at the time. They made us each one drink, and that one drink was the last thing I remember. From then on it was like looking back at glimpses of a nightmare. I caught a glimpse of me laying there, watching as my bestfriends almost lifeless looking body was laying on a bed as one of the boys got on top of her and pulled her dress up. Somehow I managed to scream/cry out for him to please use a condom. I had no idea what was going on. The next glimpse I had was of me going to puke in the shower. And then the “cute” guy said I “shouldn’t leave because he will take care of me”. I said I wanted to leave with my friend. That I’m a virgin. But that didn’t seem to matter. I woke up in his bed to the sound of a knock at the door. It was my best friends dad, how did he find me? Where was I? I noticed in horror that I had no pants on. What had happened? I didn’t even wake the boy up, I went down, somehow found my purse, and left the room not even bothering to look for my shoes. I wanted to get out of there. And wake up from this nightmare. We left the cruise ship that morning. I found out that a girl had taken my friend to our room where she got sick. She had no idea what had happened. I told her all what I remembered and we cried for 20 minutes in a bathroom stall. The second I got home, I bought plan B from the pharmacy, took it in a Mcdonald’s parking lot and threw the wrapper out before heading home. I never told anyone about what happened.
I never considered it rape until now. I kind of like to pretend that it was just a nightmare. That the whole trip didn’t happen. That maybe he was just as drunk as I was and so it wasn’t his fault. Rape is such a controversial thing when drinking is involved, but all I know is that I can’t avoid what happened any longer. Because it has affected every relationship I’ve tried to have with a guy. I’m now 20 years old and have still never come close to a serious relationship, because the truth is I’m terrified. Was this all my fault?
I have suffered from depression since I was 16. I’m 24 now. There is alot going on for me that trying to understand what is causing the depression is proving difficult for me. I’m finding it extremely difficult to live my life at the moment and have particular issues with being around people alot of the time.
I have got myself into situations that I didn’t want to be in with lads without realising before it’s too late. When I did realise it I didn’t know how to get out of it.
One of these happened when I was 14. I thought at the time what they were doing to me was normal ad they didn’t use that much force it was more like gentle persuasion and my friend was doing the same with another guy somewhere else. There was 8 in the gang altogether. Two of them abused me.
I have seen many councilors over the years and when I told one what had happened that day she didn’t really make anything of it.
Im seeing another councilor now and had been getting quite agitated when the subject came up. All of a sudden I couldn’t stop thinking about it. When I told her what happened she said I wad raped twice. She told me to tell someone else I trust but I can’t find anyone to tell. I find it extremely difficult to talk to my parents about personal stuff. The councilorbelieves that this incident could be a big factor behind my depression. I am writing things down like she sed but I’m finding it difficult to cope. The feelings I should have had 9 years ago have hit me now. I think I may have been blocking out any feelings I may have had because I thought I was making a big deal out of nothing. I’m also thinking about it in relation to the other situations and how it seemed to happen alot. At the moment im quite jumpy when I sleep. I’m going between stages of denial and questioning why this could have such an affect on me all of a sudden. Im trying to find the right person to tell but can’t. I did have a boyfriend for a lil wile and every time we tried to have sex I felt like I was being raped. This was before I was told that the incident at 14 was rape. I dont really know what to be thinking or doing with myself for that matter. All I know is that it’s only in the last few weeks this has taken hold of me which on top of other things im trying to deal with im lost.
A. No you are not a slut and I need you to think about this. Do you think every girl that wears a tight skirt or trusts a guy deserves to be raped? I know you don’t so stop thinking you deserved it or had any fault in what happened at all because YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT. This something that has happened to you and you need to deal with it and I’m glad you came here. First this doesn’t define you. as a slut or anything else it just defines the guy as a rapist. And him playing ignorant by saying “whats wrong” gives me the idea this wasn’t his first time. Trusting people is not a bad fault but it is something that we now know isn’t going to come so easy. I was raised that I trusted and liked someone until they gave me reason not to, but in todays day and age we can’t think like that anymore. You didn’t do anything wrong other than trust someone. Now I need you to take care of yourself and get the counseling you need. The longer you wait the longer it takes to heal, trust me. If you don’t believe me read through these posts of people that never got counseling and it is still not only affecting their relationships but haunting them 10, 20 30 years later. So I’m proud of you for looking for help so soon, don’t stop here. You can go to a counselor at your college, or a local crisis center or to rainn.org just get help somewhere. And that will help you know how to deal with telling your friends too. Stay strong! Lynn
BJ. If you find the right therapist (preferably a woman) they aren’t going to laugh at you. They are going to help you get through this. What you are feeling is very common and whether you know it or not you are very aware and that is a good thing. What I mean by that is you are addressing what you are doing at some level now you need to take it to another level by getting to a therapist. You can start at rainn.org they can direct you to a professional counselor that is close to you that specializes in rape. I’m not sure if you need a sex therapist because these feelings you are having are more associated with rape. A lot of victims don’t recognize what they are doing and a lot end up as dancers or even worse prostitutes. I would guess that about 85% of all dancers/prostitutes have been sexual assaulted at some time in their lives which is why they don’t value themselves. You are at least recognizing and looking/wanting help with this and that is wonderful. You are WORTHY and you need to stop letting this define you. Just because this is in your past doesn’t mean it should control your future, but you are the only one that can change that. So don’t give up because YOU ARE WORTH IT and you have your whole life ahead of you and if you work at it you can be happy and in love, I promise! But you have to work at it, it’s not easy but IT IS SOOO WORTH IT! Stay strong! Lynn
I’m 21 and recently went on a Spring Break trip with some of my girl friends. On the second night there, a group of guys from a different school came over to our beach house. We had been drinking for much of the afternoon and evening, so by this point I was feeling pretty tipsy. We cooked dinner for about 15 guys and there were around 12 girls from our house altogether. It was myself and another girl cooking dinner for everyone, and by the time everyone had been fed, I just wanted to socialize. (I’m telling you this because I’ve analyzed every decision I made that night). I skipped dinner unintentionally, and continued to consume alcohol with all of our new friends, making me even more intoxicated. An attractive guy approached me and we started to talk. It was crazy how much we had in common! Same major, same upbringing, we talked about the similar research projects we had both been a part of at our universities. I don’t know why, but I trusted him. It’s a bad quality I have. I trust that everyone is a good person, even when I know I shouldn’t. I’m too naive. Anyways, this guy asks me to go next door to their beach house to help him bring their beer back over. In my drunken state, I agreed, not thinking about what could happen. I told my roommate that I was going to get the beer with him, she didn’t seem to worry either, since they were all nice guys. He led me up the stairs to the house, then up more stairs to a room. I still didn’t think I was in any danger or had any idea of what he was thinking. We entered the room and I asked where the cooler was. He said there wasn’t one and playfully pushed me on the bed. That’s when I knew what we had come there for. I said ‘I can’t’ so that he would get the point but he didn’t stop. He got on top of me and he was much stronger than I was. He kissed me on the lips and I turned my head. He pulled up my skirt and down his pants and pinned me underneath him. As he started to rape me, I began to cry. Tears were streaming down my face. I put my hands on his chest to try to keep him from doing what he was doing but he was so much stronger than I was. He flung my legs over to the side and kept going, while I continued to cry, praying for it to be over. Finally, and I’m not sure how, I mustered up the courage to push him with all of my force. He fell back a bit, then stood up and I quickly got out of the bed. I’m not sure what changed in him, because he then asked ‘Are you okay?’ ‘What’s wrong?’ … The look in his eyes.. I’ll never forget it. I made it back to our house and found one of my friends. I had a panic attack and cried all night. I only told her half the story. I’m so ashamed. Why did I drink so much? Why did I wear a tight skirt? Why did I trust a guy I didn’t know? And why did I follow him? I’ve been in denial until now. No one knows the true story. Would they even believe me? Would they call me a slut? Was it my fault? Maybe it was a little bit. I don’t know.
So I am a victim or rape. I was raped by my cousin who was my best friend. It was when I was 10-12. I went to therapy when I was 15 but I didn’t really feel compfortable with him. I went for about a year and after he closed my case saying that I have recovered. Well I’m 20 now and for the past 2years I have been having dreams of my rapist. He just got out of jail last may for something else other than my rape. But I feel as if sex is just an act. Yes I have a boyfriend and be knows about my rape and we talk about it when he sees that I’m ha sing a rough day but he doesn’t know that I really don’t value myself. I feel like hell I might as well have sex; I don’t feel like my body is a temple or of value. I’m just doing it and I don’t know why. It’s not like he’s bad at sex but it’s not an enjoyable act. It’s just an act; meaning ill have sex with someone if they come to me and say hey whata have sex..I don’t feel like it’s a big deal when I know that it is. I also do things in sex that are not normal like ill have group sex (even through I haven’t yet but I will) sex is nothing to me even through I know that sex is something special between two people. I want to see a sex theiapist and a physiologist but I’m a little scared I don’t want them to laugh at me like the last one
A. You can have a good life again, albeit not the same one but you absolutely can have a good life BUT you have to work for it, it isn’t going to just come. It really sucks that we are the victims and then we have to work so hard at being happy again. It really does suck BUT it REALLY is WORTH IT and SO ARE YOU! I hate to hear you say you aren’t worthy because you are but you have to start believing it. You never deserved what happened to you and this doesn’t define you. The only thing it defines is the people that did this to you as rapists or capable of sexual assault. Rape is about control and everyday that you keep thinking you aren’t worthy of a better life and worthy of love this person is still in control of you. Aren’t you tired of it? How bad do you want to be happy again? I think because you are here you want it pretty bad. Do you really think he deserves to be in control of you for another minute? Hasn’t he taken enough from you? You need to believe this doesn’t define you and believe in your happy future and work for it. It isn’t going to happen over night but every baby step you take to brighten your future is one less minute he is in control. Start with counseling, immediately. You can do various steps I have listed under “steps in the healing process” but none or more important than counseling. Fight for your life back so he doesn’t get another minute! Stay strong! Lynn
I was sexually assualted ages 12-14 and at 15 I was raped by a guy I considered my best friend and brother… I thought that it was my fault… that if I had just been more worthy of love, then he wouldn’t have forced it from me. But I’m not, so even as I protested , he took my identity from me and I don’t know who I am anymore… I’m 16 now… 17 in July… and I still have nightmares/flashbacks. Everyday I have to control myself in school to make sure I don’t flinch when I accidently bump into someone in the halls or when one of my few remaining friends (a lot of my old ones ignore me now because Iintroverted) jump mewith a surprise hug. I just wish Icould have my old life back- being one with god, beinghappy, having friends, being normal… being loved, and being worthy…. most of the time I just push this wound down deep into my mind to cover it up… but it always resurfaces…
Thank you Lynn, your advise has been helpful. After getting your reply I tried to find counsellor but there are very few here in India and I can’t afford it. Just knowing that someone else believes me has made a lot of difference. I try now to keep a positive outlook and remind myself in my dark times that it wasn’t my fault. I have cut down on alcohol and get out of the house atleast once a day however scary the world seems.
My family still doesn’t acknowledge the fact that I was raped and I still don’t feel comfortable around people and can’t make friends but I have come to make peace with it. I have come to believe that I’ll make friends and have a recent relationship if it is in my destiny. I still have anxiety attacks and very bad days but I am learning to take one step at a time to bring a positive change in myself.I also learned that running around desperately will not make time go faster or make the change come sooner. Thanks to you I feel hope for the first time in so many years.
I am working hard to make a life for myself and I know now that I will find a way out and build a life that I used to dream about before this horrific thing happened.
I know I am not there yet but I will get there however long it takes.I will fight to live .
I will always be grateful to you for giving me the will to fight.
D. I am aware how difficult it is in India and what makes it worse is that you don’t have anyone to turn to unfortunately. I’ve been told that there are no counselors to turn to and your family probably will blame you. But the first step in recovery and what I need you to do is truly believe deep down that this was not your fault. You did not ask for the sex and told him no so this was in no way your fault. think of it this was, if the exact same thing happened to your daughter would you blame her? No you wouldn’t. Your mother doesn’t understand because she wasn’t there, but you were. You know exactly what happened and if I know you wouldn’t blame your daughter so no matter what anyone else says you are not to blame and I need you to believe that. Also, personally I’m glad you are no longer with this boy because you deserve better. You don’t need to be with a rapist the rest of your life. If he has done this to you he probably has or will do this again to someone else. So it is best for you to start a new life without him. Read through some of my “steps in the healing process” on my site and try to do as many as you can. Even though I know there isn’t really rape counseling in India double check to make sure there on the internet because maybe you will find someone that will help you talk about it. But if not be thankful this person is out of your life because it truly is a blessing. Also, know that this rape doesn’t define you. Do little things everyday that make you happy. And don’t worry about what others think because you are the only one that knows this wasn’t your fault! Going forward you DO NOT have to tell your next boyfriend that you are not a virgin. Because you haven’t given consent for sex and they don’t need to know it was taken from you. So if they ask if you are a virgin I personally would say yes because virginity should be lost when you give consent and you did not do that. You still have the rest of your life ahead of you and even though the past can’t be changed you do have control over your future so concentrate on that and NOT the past. Stay strong! Lynn
Hi,
i am raped by my boyfriend, i live in India, it was clear between me and him that there will be no sex as i am not comfortable and also harm my religious belief (sex before marriag). He used to say he won’t do any thing which will harm me. But he did, after that he start caring more, and used to say he is guilt of wht he did. I didn’t make any complaints bcoz in initial i was so shocked that i hv been hurted by the person i loved the most and respected, and after sometimes i tried to talk about this with my mom she blamed me by saying its your mistake, y u have friendship with boys.
Things worsen when he start saying that he did nothing wrong. And i was agreed to sex. Moreover afterwards he asked me to meet at his place and i refused to meet alone he ended the relationship.
Being victim i hv started feeling that i am culprit. I hv not discussed this incidence with any one bcoz i think here in India people will only make fun or show pity or blame me for wht happened with me.
Help me i am unable to get over it.
ALC, I think you need to return to counseling, especially if you still have self hatred. The first thing you learn is that none of the rape was your fault and that you should not let the rape define you. You know when you are progressing when you don’t hold any guilt or shame. Rape is about control not you and through hard work on your part you will get your life back but you do have to work at it. Think of it this way, this person has already taken 3 years of your life by controlling your thoughts and emotions, he doesn’t deserve another minute as he has already taken so much. So don’t give him another minute and try your best to put it in your past and don’t look back. It won’t happen overnight but if you take the proper steps to concentrate on your future and not your past (since it can’t be changed). You have total control of your future so try and put all your efforts and thoughts on that. Look through my website in “steps in the healing process” for ideas that can help along with more counseling, but the counseling is a must until you feel in control of your own life again. Just keep in the back of your head that you are not gonna let him be in control anymore, it’s your life not his! Stay strong! Lynn
3 years ago I was raped and my virginity taken as a freshman in college. Afterwards I became depressed and self destructive and turned to alcohol to try and cope. At one point I hated myself so much that I tried to take my own life by taking pills. Last year I finally went to a rape counselor and it really helped to talk to someone and finally try and figure out what I was feeling. My question is will I ever get back to “normal”? Even 3 years later I find myself randomly getting depressed, I have this self hatred that I cannot shake, and I am not able to be in normal relationships with friends or men because there is something wrong with me. I guess I just don’t know what to do anymore and if there will ever be a day where this stops dictating my life and I can finally feel like myself again.
B. In order to have a relationship of any kind with trust is through the appropriate counseling. You must seek counseling because this doesn’t just go away and you can’t forget about it so you must learn how to cope. The longer you wait the longer it takes. Yes it’s not easy but it isn’t as difficult as what you’ve already been through and how it is affecting your everyday life. You are so worth a happy and bright future without this dark cloud over your head. And you also need to stop blaming yourself. Serioulsy just because you were drunk doesn’t mean you deserved a knife to your throat. If this happened to your daughter would you blame her? No you wouldn’t so you need to truly believe deep down that this was in no way your fault and it doesn’t define you. Stand up tall and make a counseling appointment and go until you have a handle. Everyday that goes by that you don’t get counseling this guy is still in control of your life and emotions. He doesn’t deserve another minute because he has already taken 3 years. When you get the control back over your emotions and have you live going forward, he won’t be in control anymore. So take back that control! Stay strong! Lynn
D. Your boyfriend isn’t the one you should be talking to. Yes he needs to know that you think this happened but that’s it. Especially when you don’t know for sure. The person you should be talking to is a counselor who can help you determine who to question to see if you can get more answers (like your parents). Your boyfriend doesn’t know how to help nor should he. The only people that can help you or understand are people that have been through it or professionally trained (counselors/therapists). So the more you talk to him the more he feels helpless which ultimately puts a strain on your relationship. So if you want to keep the relationship good you need to tell him that you realize he doesn’t have the answers nor do you expect him to. You also realize you need counseling from a professional that is going to help you sort this out. So all you would like from him is his empathy and to be your rock as you are going through this and that is all. Then get the counseling you need. He will then see that you are helping yourself and you are trying to not let it interfere with your relationship. He will respect you for it and be there when you need him and not back away. When we rely on people that don’t know how to help they back away, so do it the right way through counseling, which can also possibly unlock memories to answer your questions of did this in fact happen to me. Stay strong! Lynn
how do you deal with being raped specially by someone you dated ? it was the night of december 13th,2009? i have blamed myself because i was drunk and he pulled a knife to my throat and raped me from behind when i was walking to my car so how do you deal with it because i dont know how to have a normal relationship with a guy since then i dont trust them and have a hard time of being near a guy and when they try to come up i push them away.
this might be long-I’m currently 17 years old and dealing with a lot of confused emotions right now. as a child probably around 2nd or 3rd grade i was abused sexually. truth is i cant remember a thing about it which iv always tried to take as a blessing but its hard to think not knowing is any better than knowing. i guess i had blocked out what happened until about a year ago. it sounds silly but i was watching law and order svu and they were talking about all the signs of a kid having been sexually abused and i realized i fit about 90% of that. so i did more research and found more signs i fit and found out that a lot of people just block it out. and more and more signs became more obvious as time went on. i can never be sure this happened which is why i feel horrible complaining about something that might now have happened but i just cant ignore the signs and few things i remember. anyway iv been trying to just get over it and its just getting worse. now every day i run into something that makes me think of it and i just wanna cry. i have a best friend of 4 years that i started dating 6 months ago and i’m very trusting of him, we very loving and happy (more mature of a relationship) but i cant bring myself to talk about it but i know i need to cause i cant control my emotions anymore and i need help. i told him vaguely what i believe happened to me as a kid and he didn’t know how to react so that kinda makes me not want to tell him again he was very nice about it but didn’t say much to help so i’m afraid if i tell him anymore he wont know how to help and ill feel more helpless than i feel now. i know its stupid to keep dwelling on something i don’t even remember but i cant get it out of my head and i don’t know how to deal with it anymore so any advice on how to deal with it and how to safely talk about it with my boyfriend would be great.
LS I’m glad you are ready to heal because you can’t bury rape, it always shows it ugly head until you deal with it. I say it’s like your shadow that you can’t outrun. You literally have to turn and face it head on. And that is through counseling. If you are in a healthy relationship now I promise it will some how affect it without the proper counseling. Just think how much better it can be and will be. Your new bf can not do anything to help you other than support you and have empathy. Hopefully you have told him about the rape. You do not need to give details (that is only for the counselor) but he does need to know. Tell him you are a survivor and that it has been bothering you recently but you are getting the professional help you need. Tell him you don’t expect him to have the answers just to be your rock when you need him. Tell him you are going to counseling for the both of you because you want to put your past behind you and concentrate on the future with him. Then get into the counseling you need and your healing will be right around the corner. The longer you wait the longer it takes so I would go asap. Stay strong! Lynn
I was young, only 17, thought I had finally found the love my life. I had spent the last 6 months depressed, alone in my university residences. Apparently I was blind. 2 months into the “relationship” I was tortured and manipulated multiple times. Things weren’t working. He said if we just had sex we would feel closer and every thing would be okay. I don’t know even know why I liked him to begin with. I don’t know why I decided so early I wanted to be with him “forever”. I obviously said no on multiple occasions. And then the day came when I couldn’t stop bear the pressure and say okay on a long distance phone call. I got back to my hometown and I saw after so long. We were just fooling around. I didn’t except him to assault me. He didn’t ask he didnt bring protection. He just did. He knew he was raping me I saw it in his eyes, he was a monster. I didn’t scream but passed out afterwards. He raped me, and ran out the door. He didn’t call me for 2 weeks, and once he did asked me if I wanted to me him at a sketchy hotel. I have not spoken to him since. I am a survivor. It’s been 2 years and I am now in a healthy relationship. I am happy but now looking to heal this wound I buried so deep.
A. You seem like a very strong women and I know you can get through this. I’m glad your family and fiance are supportive and there for you, you are lucky because that is not always the case. I’m very glad you are taking the right steps with counseling because that is what you need. I always say the longer it takes to get counseling the longer it takes to heal so I’m glad you are finally getting help. Let your fiance know that you don’t need or expect him to have the answers, that is what you are getting counseling for. All you need from him is support and empathy. I would like you to try a few things to see if it helps you sleep better. About an hour before bed at night I want you to sit down and write about your day, good bad it doesn’t matter just write it out as a mental release. You don’t have to keep what you write OR if you are discovering triggers through your writing you might want to take them to the counselor to get help with the specifics. Once you are done then either try some yoga or meditation before bed. The deep breathing really reduces the anxiety. I prefer yoga because I am not thinking so much just trying to focus on my moves and breathing but it is up to you. If you do this every possible night that you can I promise you it will improve your quality of sleep which will in turn help lower your anxiety. When you wake up in the morning if you have nightmares and you remember write them down to discuss with your counselor. Then try and make some affirmations and put them on post it notes somewhere around the house that you will see at the beginning of everyday like, “I am in control of my future, no one else” or ” Today will only be positive” or “I’m looking forward to spending time with my fiance” or “I am strong & can get through anything” or “No one can hurt me as I am protected with love”! Then you always have positives to start your day. I even put affirmations in my car so every time I get in the car I see them. You will get there if you put the work in and I promise it will be worth it just like you are worthy of a happy life! Stay strong! Lynn