#1) Believe deep down it is not your fault, no matter what the actions were leading up to the rape, you need to know and accept there is nothing that justifies rape and you didn’t do anything to deserve it! Everyone I talk to feels guilty or ashamed in one form or another, but what you don’t understand is the person that is deserving of the guilt and shame is the person that chose to do the rape, NOT YOU! The rape was not about anything you did, it is about the attacker needing control and they are responsible for their actions NOT YOU!!!
#2) You need to try and do your best to deal with your feelings as they arise. I’ve learned that in order to feel like a survivor you face them head on. You have two options, deal with them head on or run from them. The problem is when you run, your demons become your shadow and you can never outrun your shadow, so it is best to try and deal with your emotions head on instead of trying to outrun something you can’t.
#3) The one thing I learned the hard way was that none of my loved ones reacted they way I thought they would, so I immediately was more concerned with their thoughts and actions than my own healing process. I see this almost every time when counseling a survivor. The first thing I hear is, “What is my family (often spouse/partner) going to think?” or “how are they going to react?” My typical response is, “I know you are worried about their reactions BUT aren’t you more worried about your well being for you and your family?” Before you expend your energy on controlling someone else’s feelings (when ultimately you can’t) you should take that energy to heal yourself. Because you truly need to believe that you did nothing to lead up to the rape and know in your heart it wasn’t your fault. When YOU realize it doesn’t matter what you were wearing, where you were at or what you were doing, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else!
#4) Surround yourself with the people who support you and distance yourself (at least temporarily) from those who don’t.
#5) Find the positive in something everyday and focus on it no matter how small or stupid it is. A lot of days you will have to dig deep to find it, even if it is splurging on a dessert or watching your favorite TV show, but you must find something positive everyday to keep you going. This will also help train your brain that you can block out the negative.
#6) Remember that you can’t change the past so stop focusing on it with – shoulda, coulda, woulda – because it doesn’t matter since the past can’t be changed. If you are focusing on something you wished you would have done differently or beating yourself up with something you did, then you do not believe it wasn’t your fault, step #1. YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and until you do you have a long struggle in your recovery. Remember NOTHING JUSTIFIES RAPE!
#7) Focus on what you DO have control of and that is your future. The day I stopped letting my assaulter control my life is the day I realized I could be dead. At that moment (about 9 months later) even though I knew my assaulter took something from me, I realized he did not take my life and I wasn’t about to give him another day of MY life! He doesn’t deserve it, not one more minute! I felt this huge relief that I sat down and cried for hours. From that day on I stopped worrying about my past and what anyone else thought and focused on appreciating the life I had left. Now I’m not saying I skipped off into the sunset, but that was the day I stopped feeling sorry for myself (those emotions are allowed – for a while) and picked myself up and took a step forward instead of backwards.
#8) DO NOT turn to drugs and alcohol to mask the pain, once again you MUST FEEL IN ORDER TO HEAL. Alcohol and/or drugs are only a temporary fix and does absolutely nothing to solve the problem other than to push it deeper. You must deal with it and the more you feel and release, the more room you have to heal.
#9) DON’T rely on anyone else to heal you. You will heal as much as you put the work into it. Hopefully you will have support, but you need to know while it is OK to accept help from others, only you can heal yourself. Healing yourself through some type of professional counseling, whether group, individual or anonymously. A lot of cities offer free counseling or support groups through their local crisis centers. There are your some church groups or if you health insurance (make sure mental health is covered under your plan) use that. Some employers have EAP (employee assistance programs) that are completely anonymous even to your employer and usually offer a couple free visits. Go to rainn.org to find the closest counselor to you. There are so many resources, just make the commitment to start helping yourself and you’ll find a way!
#10) While the above suggestions are more long term, I would like to make some suggestions for baby steps that can help “right now”. My most successful suggestion is to right down your feelings at the end of the day (good or bad) whatever they are just as a release. This is good for survivors or immediate family members trying to cope as well. It is up to you whether or not you keep it, it is just a way for you to get your honest and true emotions out and not keep them deep inside you, which only fester. Warms baths are great before bed along with a good book to take me away, if even for 30 minutes. I always try to keep a book in purse, dvd at home or cd in car that I love and makes me feel good that I can immediately turn to to brighten my mood. And if you don’t have a pet, get one! Pets are amazing and offer true unconditional love BUT make sure you have the time to love and nurture your pet and you will get nothing less back!
#11) Think about taking a self defense class. After being raped your sense of security is shot and an excellent way to start to get it back is taking a self defense class. It is very empowering and a good confidence builder.
#12) Try yoga (if you don’t alreaady), it is truly amazing how it makes you feel calm and can just release the stress and anxiety. Never tried it until after my rape and I still have the same at home beginner dvds I’ve used for years, but I love them and I truly feel empowered, strong and relaxed when I’m done. They say you can heal your body through your breathing and I believe it. Tell me you don’t feel a little better after you take a few big deep breaths. Well, when you are doing yoga, not only is your body trying to align and release your stress you are holding in your body, but you are really breathing the whole time and getting oxygen to your entire body, which is not only a calming affect but helps the tightness in your muscles to release. So trust me just try it a few times, you don’t have to do it perfect (which is why I do it at my house) but I always feel better afterwards, never fails.
M.A. You need to first make sure you are safe. Get some pepper spray or a stun gun and keep it with you at all times. If you have any bruises, scratches, any other evidence take pictures. If you have any evidence like DNA also don’t wash it put it in a brown paper bag. Whether or not you choose to turn him in keep this evidence because god forbid he does it again you might change your mind. I need you to understand that rape is about control and if you don’t turn him in he will feel like he is in control of you and might very possibly try it again because he feels like he can get away with it. Which is why I say protect yourself with pepper spray or a stun gun. I would be a great idea to take self defense classes too but I want you to have immediate protection and the classes will take a little while. I would also call your local crisis center to see how they can help you as well as get you counseling. You are gonna need the counseling and know how to help yourself going forward since he is the father of your kids. But whatever you do don’t do nothing because that gets you no where. You are going to go through many emotions which will be amplified because again he is your childrens father so please get the proper help you need to learn how to cope through counseling. Stay strong! Lynn
I GOT RAPE SATURDAY BY MY KIDS FATHER IM NOT FEELING I BEEN FEELING LIKE I GOT TO THROW UP EVERY WHERE CAN SOMEONE PLZ HELP ME WITH THIS SITUATION.
S. The only way I can help is if you leave a post and I respond. If you don’t want me to show your post I wont, just let me know. Lynn
i really need some help an someone to talk to about this plz if u cud contact me,thanks
D. Well I’m so glad I could offer a little guidance and help to you. I’m also glad that you recognize thatyou need to talk and let it out. I always tell people the more you let out the more room you have to heal. Talking with family and friends that don’t understand can be hard and from my own personal experience I found they though it best not to talk about it all so as not to resurface any bad memories or because they didn’t want to hurt because they loved me so much. This is the absolute worst thing to do, to act like it never happened and to not want to talk about it when I needed to. My suggestion to you is two fold. #1) Find a counselor that can’t prescribe drugs (there are many – preferably a woman). #2) Look into group counseling, you will find ways to cope that have worked for others and you will build lifelong friends. Friends that have been there and understand exactly what you are going through. Everyone I know that said absolutely not but finally tried it has always said “I wished I would have done this earlier”. Because the only people that can truly relate is a survivor or professionals trained on the emotions that we go through and why. So just don’t give up because when you are ready to get this out and it finally does it is like a boulder being lifted off your shoulder. Stay strong! Lynn
K. first thing you need to do is truly believe that it wasn’t your fault. Stop blaming yourself. Just because you went to a party with friends doesn’t mean you deserved to be raped. Otherwise you are basically believing that everyone out there that goes to parties is asking for rape and we both know that isn’t true. So give yourself a break and stop blaming yourself. The first time you were young and naive and didn’t realize this could happen when it did. Then you went to a party, that nor does anything else justify rape. So forgive yourself for going to the party, drinking whatever because YOU didn’t deserve for this to happen to you. You did nothing wrong other than trust people. Don’t let this define you because it doesn’t, the only person it defines is the person that did this to you as a rapist. That is your first very important step. The second MANDATORY part of healing is get into professional counseling. The longer you wait the more it will permeate every aspect of your life. The sooner you get into counseling the better you will be. It isn’t easy and it takes a bit BUT it isn’t as hard as what you’ve been through OR what you will go through if you don’t! And I PROMISE it is worth it. Another thing is get a stun gun to carry with you everywhere and I recommend taking a self defense class too. This will not only help with your sense of security but your self confidence. And it’s fun. Stay strong! and take care of yourself because YOU ARE WORTH IT! Lynn
NM. I’m glad I could help you and I’m so sorry this has happened. Not sure where you are now but do you have a womens shelter you could go toor a local crisis hot line that can give you a place to go for battered women. I would also talk to a school guidance counselor to help you based on your circumstances. I would NOT go back to your husband anytime soon. Try to find a local crisis hotline and let them know exactly what is going on but don’t go back there. I’m scared for you because if you reported the guy and they didn’t believe you makes me think he can get away with this again and that is that last thing you need. So hopefully you have a friend to stay with and if not find a womens shelter via a hotline, the cops a church anything. Then next thing I want you to do is get counseling and then take a self defense class. If you call rainn.org they can help you with counseling close to you and sometimes there is free counseling at the crisis center. Also, just wondering if you can move home with any family or friends. If the school is giving you a hard time too then move back with someone you can trust and try and start over going forward. But I would not get around your husband withour a stun gun, can or pepper spray a friend or something. Obviosuly that is meant for the roommate too. Always stay away from him and just be extrememly careful about your husband. Stay strong! Lynn
RW The reason it is affecting you now is because you never dealt with it. Trying to forget that it ever happened NEVER works. And the longer it’s locked up the longer it takes to get it out and deal. So my suggestions is don’t walk but run to your nearest counselor. I always tell people you have to let it out to make room to heal. You can find a counselor at your local crisis center or go to rainn.org or even ask for a referal from a counselor at school. Let them know this is happeneing especially if it’s affecting your grades that way they know what is going on and can possibly work with you if necessary. It always comes out when you least expect it and trust me it will continue to do so until you get professional help. It’s nothing to be ashamed of in fact it’s a huge part of your recovery and you should feel proud that you can be strong enough to do whats right for you now. Stay strong! Lynn
Hi Lynn First off thank you for this support and all that you do to help people. I was raped 12 years ago when i was 23, like you I believe I was drugged but possibly it was too much alcohol. I was out with friends and towards the end of the night I became separated from them, I do not remember leaving the place and have few memories of the rape. I know for a fact though that it was not conceptual. Towards the end I woke up to a strange man on top of me hitting me over an over because I kept passing out, he tried to choke me and finally at some point I managed to get out of the car and I ran like crazy. I don’t know if he followed me and I was completely naked, I banged on someones door til they let me in at which point I passed out again. When I woke up I was in an ambulance. It was the most horrific experience of my life afterwards I went to several counselling center all of which tried to medicate me. I don’t even like to take advil so declined all of them. I know that what happened that night is not my fault, yet I cannot forget what happened. Other than my family I have distanced myself from the people who knew about the rape. I felt as though they were more worried about how they felt and I did not appreciate it when they talked about it to their loved ones. It felt like a violation of my privacy and eventually just stopped all communication with them. I would say that I am happy now, having dealt with being raped through various things like exercise, focusing on my kids and going back to college to get my degree, I want to be a physical therapist. The hardest thing for me however is not having anyone to talk to about it, I feel like people wouldn’t understand. For the most part it doesn’t affect my daily life but a part of me knows that I need to talk to someone I just don’t know who or how?
I don’t really know what to say here. I guess just tell my story?
To start off, I was raped when I was 15 by who I considered to by my boyfriend while another guy watched. I had a hard time with that. I had known the guy who watched for about five years because he was always around my older sister. I never thought he was a bad guy and I certainly didn’t think he would stand by and let me get hurt, he called me his little sister for christ sake. But, I dealt with that to the best of my abilities. It was the hardest thing I had ever gone through, up until about a month ago. I’m 20 now and was raped a second time. I blame myself because it had already happened, I should’ve known better than to go to any parties, even while with friends. I can’t sleep because of the nightmares and the flashbacks are constant. I live in the dorms at a university and I can’t even lay down in bed unless the door is closed and locked. And when I lock the door I have the urge to continually get up and recheck the lock. There is so much that I can’t do that I used to.. It’s safe to say that the reason I am on this site is because I have no where else to turn. I don’t want to go through this anymore and I honestly don’t know what to do to make this bearable. I need help.
Lynn,
I was raped three weeks ago by my roommate.. he betrayed me.
He violated me and thought it was funny. He mocked me while I was crying. I took a shower right away, I wasnt thinking. My neighborhood is notoriously bad, so when I called the police not only did they take what seemed like lightyears to get to me ( I had no car and no phone ) they didn’t believe me. My roommate had also got into my husbands head and basically told him I cheated on him and got embarassed about it. My husband savagely beat me because of this. I ran away and I havent been back since. I can’t stand to be alone with my thoughts… I take showers with the lights off, I feel like I stink and people can smell me, when I lay down at night and try to close my eyes I see my roommate and I can still smell his skin, I miss my husband but I can’t bear to look at him because I know he can’t bear to look at me, I can only get a few hours of sleep a night I don’t know who else I can talk to because Im afraid it’ll happen again that no one will believe me. I was even dropped from school because im afraid to leave my room. I got on google today, and typed in how to cope with rape. Your page was the first page I saw in the results. What you wrote gave me hope that I can deal with this, and maybe even be able to forgive my husband for reacting how he did. I know this article is old and you probably wont see this, but it’s good that there are people like you here for women like me. God bless
I was raped when I was 14 by a family ‘friend’. I’m 18 now, and I never told anyone, because I didn’t want people to change their opinions of me, I couldn’t face my family knowing what happened and I didn’t want to get the police involved either (a mistake I regret to this day).
I told my best friends a while ago, the first people i’ve ever spoken to about it, and I thought I would be ok because it was so long ago, and I thought I had dealt with the emotions, which I know now is wrong.
I don’t understand what’s happening, i’m angry, i’m upset, i’m un-motivated to do anything, I feel guilty even though I didn’t do anything, I feel regret, and I just can’t get anything done, i’m falling behind at university with my work, and I don’t know what I could say to anyone to make them understand why i’m feeling all these things.
I don’t know what to do, I can’t even cry about it. I just don’t feel like it’s registered as something that actually happened to me.
LOL, I’m really glad I was able to help and that the yoga is helping too BUT you’ve got to get the counseling too. It isn’t easy but it IS easier than what you’ve already been through and what you seem to be going through on a daily basis. I don’t understand why victims would rather live in a daily hell than do an hour of counseling to get them out of their daily hell. It dumbfounds me. The counselors aren’t going to judge you, they are going to help you. Maybe you didn’t click with the one you were going to.. But don’t give up, you and your future are worth it. Find another woman counselor and try again. You’ve taken some great baby steps now take a big one and please get the professional help you need. You can do it I believe in you and once you find the one you click with you will see so much improvement. Stay strong! Lynn
M. This is a difficult situation and I know you want an answer but unfortunately I can’t give that to you. I can however tell you what I would do in your situation. First I would question everyone of my friends that were there to see there take on the situation. Did you have any bruises, scratches or soreness like possible tears in the vaginal area or even any blood? If you did this would be signs that you were limp, not moving and he was forcing himself on you while you were unwilling. If you were willing (not saying you were) you most likely wouldn’t have any of these. Like when I was raped I was completely out of it because they drugged me and I had bruises on the inside of my legs where they had to hold them open and I had vaginal tears as well as bruises on my arms. So I would take all these things into consideration to try and find the answer. I know neither is good for you, if you did agree and didn’t realize it because you blacked out or if you were raped, but I’m hoping that you weren’t raped. Lynn
P. Rape is NEVER your fault whether or not you tell someone, please believe that. Also, many don’t say anything, it is a common thing with rape victims. Believing it’s not your fault and that rape doesn’t define you is your first HUGE step to recovery. So forgive yourself for not saying anything and you will feel so much better. Stay strong, Lynn
i just feel like it is my falt because i didnt say anything for years and years
I have just read your advice, and wanted to say thank you. I was raped when I was 17 and sexually assaulted when I was 21, I have made a lot of mistakes with drink and drugs – for a long time and I have a lot of guilt that I am really struggling with. I feel heavy with feelings and I don’t know what to do. I have had a few counsellors and never really been able to talk, so backed out, and been offered EMDR treatment but I can’t seem to go through with it. I am scared I can never have sex again. I feel sick a lot of the time and have been bulimic but getting better. I have never read a website about this stuff which has made me feel like this. sorry for babbling. I can’t cry. I have had boyfriends and had sex with them but never enjoyed that act, and preteneded to then totally freaked out, and frozen. I am 26 now and feel like I will never be able to have sex ever again. I have been sober for 2 months completely and have a drug worker, who is great. I find it hard, like rabit in headlights to access how I feel about these events, but am sometimes taken over by flashbacks and have very vivid nasty dreams and wake up in sweats. I have been running from it and feel like I am pathetic, and weak and self indulgent, and this makes me hate myself more. I have a job supporting people with mental health problems and I love it, but worry that I might crack up again myself and not be able to carry on sometimes. But I will. I don’t really know why I am writing this, thanks I guess, oh and I have started doing yoga, and it is an amazing thing.
So I went on spring break with a group of my friends this past week. We all drank and had fun all week the last night we got shit faced and I can’t remember that night. When I woke up the next morning everyone had said I had sex with a kid in the group. But they also said I couldn’t even walk to the bathroom (less than 3 feet from my bed) and in that case and being so drunk I don’t even have memory of this night. Is this rape? He took advantage of me and I have no clue what to even call what happened. The kid is a friend of my boyfriend too. I told my boyfriend last night and he immediately was mad at me. I need help idk what to do.
G. You need to forgive yourself. As soon as you do that things will improve for you. You are being so hard on yourself because you agreed to to that for extra cash and because you didn’t turn him in. First let me explain that if you were agreeing to intercourse you would have agreed but you didn’t. IT WAS rape, albeit not the best circumstances you were in but you did not consent to intercourse, it was forced upon you, that is rape. Secondly, you didn’t turn him in because you had been at gunpoint and scared for your life which is completely understandable. IF this happens to someone else it is NOT your fault. It is HIS fault because he is choosing his actions, not YOU. You didn’t give him the green light to do this again you just wanted to preserve YOUR life. This is how you need to think and again FORGIVE yourself. He is out of the picture now and you are safe and have learned a valuable lesson. Think of it as that and try to put the past behind you and look towards your future because guess what YOU ARE ALIVE TO DO SO, take advantage of it. Stay strong! Lynn
B. I’m so glad I could help and even happier that you are going to help yourself through therapy. Because you need to understand that unfortunately this can not be forgotten, it is with us BUT that doesn’t mean we can’t be happy again. The way to get there is to not try and forget but to face it head on and that is when we can put it behind us because we know how to deal and we know it’s our past not our future. And most importantly we learn to not let it define us and that we have no control over our past but all the control of our future. Stay strong! Lynn
D. Take a look at my website specifically “steps of the healing process” and try and incorporate those into your daily routine. And to answer your question yes thinking or doing something positive everyday will help you. Even if it’s as little as looking forward to your favorite ice cream or book to read. Just make some time for yourself to do something you really look forward to. As far as the nightmares, write in your journal about 30 minutes to an hour before bed to empty all the thoughts out of your head onto paper, this is a great mental release. Then try to do some deep breathing or yoga right before bed. Meditation works for some but I don’t want you to think to much so if you can meditate on something good that works to or even saying the same positive phrase over and over. Then go to bed. If you continue to do this as much as you can it will totally improve your sleep, hoping to have less nightmares. and a good night sleep with help with your anxiety during the day. BUT none of this replaces the counseling you should be getting. Because you need to let it out through tears and words and through counseling its the best place to do this. Stay strong! Lynn
When I was 17 I thought I was really tough. A guy that I use to hang with and sell drugs with convinced me that I could make some quick easy cash giving guys hand jobs. I figured that wasn’t too bad , and I could use the cash. I learned the very first time that it wasn’t that simple. I was brutally raped at gun point. Locked in a room for 4 hours. I was left battered and bloody.
It’s Been 11 years. Most days I do A great job of blocking the whole thing out. But lately it’s been haunting me. I agree, in most cases rape is not the victims fault. But I don’t think that really applies in my case. I basically prostituted myself and got exactly what I deserved.
The other thing that eats away at me is this. The day after the rape a friend took me to the hospital, where t by st asked if I would like to have a rape kit done. I had said no because I was terrified at t h e time. My psyche was so damaged. I truly believed that if I tried to press charges this man would find me and kill me. I now worry a bout how many more woman have been harmed by him because I was too afraid to do anything. If I had acted at the time it probably would have been easy to identify him. He left his DNA all over me, he forced me to stare at him while he raped me, and he had a tattoo that would have ma d e him identifiable.
I hate that this happened. I hate that I can’t make it unhappen
H. What Lynn says is right. To deal with this you need to let it out and not shut it in. Ultimately this will only serve to make things worse. I know as I am talking from personal experience doing just that. At the age of 31 I am still trying to deal with being raped twice either side of my 17th birthday.
Please find someone you can talk to and who can help you through this. Please do not repeat my mistake.
Take care
Hugs
Ever since I had this situation happen to me I believe I couldn’t do anything about it. Because I was drunk. I don’t remember a thing only by what I was TOLD happened. I woke up scared, and discusted. And hurt because friends that were there (which I no longer associate myself with) didn’t do nothing to prevent it. K have nightmares. Although I’ve moved on and am living a great life. The past still haunts me. My fiancé knows and doesn’t judge. But I still live with knowing what happened. I have anxiety and I stress so much all because of that. I have plenty of people around me that don’t judge and friends that understand.. It’s just about wanting to forget what happened so my mind can move on! I hate myself at times and I feel discusting. But I stay strong for my family. I am going to seek a therapist hoping they will help me in getting my mind off that situation that happened a few years ago. Your words were very eye opening. Thank you… Thank you for reaching out to people like me. Because I know I’m not the only victim.
I was raped two weeks ago and I have been going through every emotion in the book. I journal, listen to music, watch tv…. I’m scared. I have a great family and a loving boyfriend. I talk with them frequently and cry alone a lot. I hate crying in front of my family because I am tired of them feeling sorry for me, it just makes me angry. I did what I had to by going to the cops and getting the rape kit done. I now have nightmares and don’t sleep. I often think if I could replace the nightmares with a good memory it would help. Does creating a good memory help push away the nightmares?
S. My first suggestion would be to get a new counselor. That is the only thing that is really going to help you. Don’t give up because then you are giving up on yourself. I had to go to a couple counselors before I found the right one but I didn’t care because this was my life. You have very deep seeded emotions from 6 years of abuse and it is going to take a while and that’s OK as long as you are working on it. You can look through some of my advice on the site but non of it replaces the counseling. Of course its hard to trust people when you had a family member do this to you for so long. Hopefully you are far far away from this person as that would be my first step. Try to NEVER be around them EVER again because rape is about control and obviously this person had control over you for 6 years. If you didn’t turn them in or tell your family then he still feels in control. Hopefully you were able to tell someone that can help you stay away from this person. Once you know you won’t see this person again it will help a little with your sense of security. Another thing you can do is take self defense classes which will also help. Have you talked to a doctor about PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)? It’s very possible that after 6 yrs you have that so I might talk to a physician about it as well. But you have to be honest about what happened to you. Just make sure you get the counseling and that you are safe from this person and take baby steps, just don’t give up because this person doesn’t deserve to control you or your emotions one more second. Stay strong! Lynn
L. I know it doesn’t seem like it now but you are strong. This has just happened and you are already strong enough to look for help instead of just letting it eat you up inside. You are strong enough to go to your mom for help. You are strong enough to know deep down that it wasn’t your fault. We both know that there is absolutely NO excuse for rape NONE! It wasn’t your fault and realizing that is your first step to recovery. It took me a very long time before I was this strong and I had to work on it everyday. First baby steps through counseling, which the sooner you get it the sooner you will be happy again. The longer you wait the longer it takes so do the right thing and tell your mom to get you into counseling asap. Stay strong and don’t beat yourself up. Take that energy and put it towards your recovery! Lynn
H. I truly thin you are looking at this all wrong. You’ve come to my site to look for guidance right? You need to let it out not lock it in. So yes you need to talk to the counselor and even if you start with a new one because one thing you are right about is your partner most likely doesn’t want to hear about it nor should they. They do need to know that it happened to show you empathy when you need it and to make you feel safe and a shoulder to cry on but they don’t want to know the details and more importantly they don’t know how to help (friends and family don’t either). All they can do is support you as previously mentioned. And when you turn to them they feel helpless because they don’t know how to help. The counselor is there for that and you aren’t opening up a can of worms you are asking for the necessary guidance you need to get through it. And how can you possibly hurt more than you do now. It’s not easy but I can promise you it is easier than what you are going through alone right now. He has only won so far because you are letting him by not helping yourself. Let me ask you this, if this was your daughter that went through the same thing wouldn’t you want her to get the help she needs? Wouldn’t you want her to be able to come to you? Whether or not you tell your parents at the very least tell the person that can help and I promise you won’t be alone any more. The person that did this to you doesn’t deserve to control your emotions another day. He has taken enough from you. Now I want you to fight for the life that you deserve and get to the counselor and tell her, don’t wait for her to ask. Why would you wait? Do you want him to still be in control? I know you don’t so please fight for the life you deserve because I promise you this isn’t it. Once you talk to the counselor then maybe she can help you decide to tell your parents and how to go about it but I need you to put yourself first. Because by worrying about everyone else you are not helping yourself. You deserve to be happy and you deserve a good life but you gotta take steps to get it back and I know you can do it. Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped a few days ago. idk wat to do… i made myself believe that it was my fault… that i asked for it. i have the support of my boyfriend but all i do is cry. Its hard for me to accept the fact that it already happened n i cant change it. My mom is taking me to take a body check up asap but i am scared… i wish i cud be strong, bold and brave like you… Im 15 years old. Its really hard for me to go on with this burden om my chest
I was raped for 6 years by a family member and its very hard to get past it the constant flashbacks and never knowing where its safe or what to do. Its hard to trust people and I want to and I try but I feel like I can only give so much. I’ve done counseling but it didn’t seem to help me. I feel like i’m on the edge of a cliff and trying to hold myself up constantly day in and day out. I want to just forgive and forget about it but i’m afraid i’m going to be abandoned again just like how it was during those 6 years. i’m only 21 and looking for advise on how to get over it. what makes it so hard to trust and why do I feel like im in a very breakable state. please help
I was… You know (i can never bring myself to say it) when I was 13 years old and I’m 21 now.
I’m constantly going over what happened that day and imagining I did things differently “if I didn’t lead him on, or if I didn’t go to his house this wouldn’t of happened”
I hate what he’s done to me and I was too ashamed to tell anyone. so I took an overdose and was admitted to hospital, my family never understood why I did it. I had a counsellor for awhile because of the overdose but I didn’t open up.
At the time I wanted them to ask me why I took the overdoes and no one ever did. So I’ve been living with this ever since. I’m afraid if I told someone now, like a counsellor that it will be like opening a can of worms and I will be feeling worse than I do now so I don’t know what to do
Only my partner knows about it, but I don’t want to talk to him (I don’t think he wants to hear it either) I don’t want to tell my family because I don’t want to upset anyone or stress anyone out (I think my family have enough problems, I don’t want to add to it)
I feel alone. I feel as though people will think “you should be over it by now” and maybe refuse to help me or be there for me.
I went through hell in my teenage years, taking drugs, drinking on the streets to block out that day and so I took to cutting my wrists.
I’m on antidepressants but I don’t feel as though they work. The only thing that makes me feel better is cutting myself, feeling it sting takes my mind of everything.
The only thing I can do, the only thing I know how to do, is keeping it locked away inside my head. He’s won, my life is ruined.
L. I’m so proud of you for being so brave, I really am! I think what you are doing is great to help others and truly believe it will help in your own healing process. HOWEVER you do need to go through some counseling BEFORE you go help these girls because you will encounter triggers and it WILL affect you! So please get some personal counseling prior to your endeavors of india, it will only benefit all involved. You want to make sure you do it the right way, correct? Again I ADMIRE YOU and glad you are strong enough to stand up for yourself! Now make sure you take care of yourself before you do others. Stay strong and good luck! Lynn
B. First you need to understand that rape is about control and this person is still controlling your emotions and thoughts. You need to get back control of your life because he doesn’t deserve another minute. Taking back control starts with you not believing a word he ever said to you because it wasn’t about you it was about controlling the situation. So when he said those nasty thing and taunted you again IT WASN’T ABOUT YOU! It was all about controlling your mind so you need to stop letting him do this. You know you didn’t deserve it and I don’t care how you handled the past because it is just that the past. The past can not be changed so STOP focusing on it. You only have control over your future so YOU need to take back that control and not give him another second! You need to get back into counseling but this time you need to focus on your future NOT the past. Of course you will need to explain why you are there but focus on what you want to accomplish. Your husband can not help you nor does he need to know the gory details. He does need to know what happened and you’ve told him that. Now just let him know that all you expect from him is a should to cry on when you need it and to be your rock and protector. Other than that he can’t do much so you need to let him know that is all your expect and that you are going to help yourself through counseling. I promise this can only help and will help your relationship. Maybe the counseling didn’t help back then because you didn’t have the right counselor or maybe weren’t in the right frame of mind. But that is EXACTLY what you need especially if you are having suicidal thoughts. I need you to realize that this guy is long gone and that you NEVER deserved what happened to you and most importantly that THIS DOESN’T DEFINE YOU! IT ONLY DEFINES THE PERSON AS A RAPIST! So take back your life because you still have one and if you work at it I promise it can and will be good and happy again. Counseling isn’t easy but it damn sure is easier than what you have been through this long. It isn’t going to go away because rape is like a shadow that you can not run from. BUT you CAN turn and face it head on and stand up and be proud because you are not gonna let this define you and you are not gonna let him control another second because this is YOUR LIFE DAMN IT! Get into counseling and talk to your husband and let both know that you want to work towards your future and get control back and then DO IT! You can also do some of the steps in the healing process between counseling visits to help at home. YOU ARE WORTHY AND DESERVE A GOOD LIFE! Now YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IT! Stay strong! Lynn
A. The longer you wait to say something the more it goes in your attackers favor. Because people are ignorant and the first thing they are going to say is “why didn’t you tell someone”? Rape is about control and every minute that you don’t say something he is still in control and knows it which is why it continues and will continue to happen. Is there anyway you can record at least the voices when he does this to you. Is there anyway if you think he is getting ready to attack you that you can turn on a voice recorder and fight him back so whomever you tell they will be able to hear what he is doing and how he is threatning you? I personally wouldn’t wait until the next time though and tell immediately. Do you have any bruises that you can take a pic of that will show he is hurting you any texts that he is sending that could also be proof? Even if you don’t still tell someone because again when you don’t say anything he WILL continue because he know he is in control. Stop it now and I don’t care if they believe you or not because once you put it in your their heads it will stay there and be in the back of their minds. If he did make good on his threats (which I’m pretty sure he won’t) then they will know it’s true. And if your husband doesn’t believe you then whatever but at least the rapes will stop. You and your husband can work on it but it is NOT worth continually getting raped. Also get into counseling because that will also help your side of the story. Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped by my Ex boyfriend 5 months ago. Rape… isn’t that a disgusting word? It makes it all sound real like I really am one of those people. I’m constantly filled with doubt about how it happened and how I could have avoided it. He’s a model, has everything going for him, we were in the same college last year before I left after it happened. He came over to my house one morning while I was still asleep and woke me up throwing pebbles at the window so no one would hear he was there. I let him in and he sat on my bed for awhile while I came to. We got into a fight about something that I was annoyed with him about and he started tickling me to make me laugh. The tickling turned into kissing and touching and he ended up taking everything off. I told him I didn’t want to and pushed him off. I had to say it afew times. I told him to sort himself out as I didn’t want to have intercourse and I would too. He didn’t like this and pulled himself on top of me and raped me. I was in shock, i had said no, I had said no, I HAD SAID NO, i had said no? I said no. He did it anyway, he had no respect for me. He made me feel the way I am feeling now. It is his fault. I shouldn’t have allowed things to proceed as far as they did but it was his fault. Sometimes I want to die. I make plans but never follow through. I’m now looking forward to india, I’ll be going there to help abused girls and children in high risk situations who may have been trafficked or in daner of being trafficked. I don’t feel that I’ll be sweeping it under the rug, I feel this might help me deal with emotions and feelings. Things are so raw when volunteering in 3rd world countries. If the DPP decide not to prosecute I’ve already decided this won’t be the end of it. I’ve already approched in Dean of my old college to arrange a meeting and dicuss polocies and protocols that take place when an ‘event’ like this occurs. I also plan to make my name public. I’ll do so without reveiling him, but it will be known he was an ex boyfriend. I need justice. The statics are scary with how little accused rapists are prosecuted. He will pay. Maybe if not in this world, in hell for sure. Best of luck in your recovery to all you brave girls. Much love and peace, L x
I was raped at 14 I am now 26 yrs old and still very much dealing with the pain I was also molested as a child as well by my uncle.. and because I never got any help when I came out about being molested when I got raped I was too ashamed to say anything and I felt like I wouldn’t get help anyway and that everyone would find out but he would still get away with it the person who raped I grew up with and the day he raped me he told me your not special bitch and you never will be and when I get thru with you no man will ever love you soon after that when he saw me he would try to taunt me and even tried to rape me again but was unsuccessful still I shared my story with no one years later I try to do therapy because I was just so angry I even tried to kill myself because I just felt worthless I got to a point in life where I finally just surpressed the memories to where it was like it never happened but the rage never went away a few weeks ago my children’s father asked me why I’m always so angry why I hate my past so much and why I could never talk about past partners so I finally got fed up and told him everything because unfortunately for me being raped made me more sexual and the more partners I had the more ashamed i felt about myself but always kept it to myself now I’m having the nightmares all over again and angry all the time part of me is starting to feel suicidal again..therapy and counseling never worked well for me and my man wants to help but I don’t think I can open up enough to let him I just feel so damaged used and worthless like I don’t even deserve him I just want to be alone please help me
I don’t even want to say those words but yea I was and still am it started when I was around 21 … mi attacker is mi brother in law we all live in one house my husbands family and us…. I know you say that we shouldn’t blame ourselve but its so hard I try to be brave everyday try to figure out how to speak out but everytime I get the courage to do something he threatens me with something …he even says who’s going to
belive you ill just say u came on to me…ughhh! I’m so fustrated and stress… and I blame him for mi miscarriage and mi self because I could have faught harder …. I dnt know how to tell my husband what is happening… our marriage falling apart and tell mi husband sees is me being an emotional reck and thinks its beecuase I’m
E. First of all rape is never your fault so you need to truly believe deep down that you did NOT cause this. You didn’t tell him to rape you and there is no excuse for rape, period. So STOP blaming yourself, PLEASE. Think of it this way, if this exact same thing happened to your daughter, would you tell her it was her fault? No I don’t think you would, so give yourself a break because the first part of recovery is believing it’s not your fault. You have to stop beating yourself up for the acts of others. You did not choose this to happen therefore you aren’t stupid and are not to blame. Put the blame where it belongs, on the asshole that did this to you. I’m really glad you are looking for help now and not waiting a year or two because you can read through these posts and find out that until you get professional help, it doesn’t go away. trying to forget about it or act like it didn’t happen doesn’t work. I’m proud of you that you are strong enough to look for help and resources now. I know you don’t feel strong but the fact that you have told your story so soon after it happens means you want to and are ready to start to heal. I want you to look through the site on “steps in the healing process” and truly try the suggestions as well as get to professional counseling as soon as possible. The sooner you do the sooner you will start to feel better. It’s not easy but it definitely isn’t as hard as what you have already been through. And with counseling you will find someone you can trust and has empathy and most importantly help you get back control of your life. The longer you wait the longer it will take to heal so please call your local crisis center, go to rainn.org or through your health insurance but just do it because you are worth it and that asshole doesn’t deserve to control another minute of your life or emotions. Stay strong! Lynn
N. I think you already know the answer and that is to get the help you need. It is the only thing that will help you move from the past into the future. You are here which means you are looking for help and that is a great first step. So don’t stop here because you are so young and deserve such a good life ahead of you. Everyday that goes by that you don’t get help, the people that did this to you are still in control. They don’t deserve another minute of your life as they have taken so much already. So take back control of your life and don’t give them another minute. Ask your school counselor to refer you to a counselor or call your local crisis center, go through your parents insurance or even go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you. You’ve already made the first step now just keep going, you are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped two weeks ago. Violently. In every way possible. He whipped me with my own belt. He kicked me in the ribs while wearing work boots. I didn’t know him. I never saw his face. Never heard his voice. Only saw the knife he used under my eye, never breaking the skin, to make me afraid.
It lasted over an hour, in the early hours of the morning. It was dark, and I was stupid for being there. If I hadn’t been dumb it never would have happened. It was my own stupid fault. I can’t sleep because what happened plays over and over again in my head. I can’t eat because I can’t get the taste of him out of my mouth. I’m so tired, and stressed, and frightened. I honestly wish I’d screamed and let him slit my throat.
This is so weird for me because I never thought I would be one of these people. I never thought I would get raped. Reading through the comments people have left make me wish I was brave enough to talk about what happened. I started highschool last year which is grade 9, I was so excited and ready to grow up and not be treated like a little kid anymore. I was raped at the lake by two men that I don’t know, I was beaten and have scars on my stomach and legs, they burnt me on the sides of my ankles. I dont know why they did those things to me but I dont think any reason i get will help me. I don’t like going into detail about what happened because I can’t really face it, I told someone and they told all my friends and my entire school found out. I felt so alone, and I still do. I’m now in grade 10 and trying so hard to be okay but my fear is so present in everything that I do. I have never really considered getting help but I know that I don’t want to live the rest of my life in fear. I want to be okay and I want to be the happy person that I used to be.
H. Rape and basically the torture you went through is not something that can be forgotten about or swept under the rug. It is like your shadow that you can never run from. The ONLY thing we can do is turn and face the problem and deal with it head on, though the proper counseling. As you know after so many years it is still there and you aren’t able to cope on your own. So go to a trained counselor and get the help you need and deserve. Read through my website to find things that can help you in between going to counseling, but they can NOT be a replacement for counseling. You deserve a good and happy future but you do have to work at it and it’s not going to go away. It’s not easy BUT it’s a lot easier than what you have been through and are still going through. Try to contact your local crisis center or rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you. Just get the help you need and deserve, you are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
i was 12 yrz wen i got raped by a guy who lives next door at my house,i was staying with my big sister,before he sleeps with me he would beat me first like very hard,it happened several times,and i couldnt tell anyone even my sister,he would sleep with me at the bushes,local staduim,post office,at the street at night,it was horible,wen i grew up it ddnt bother me at all,but 2009 it started to come back,it felt likt it happened yerstarday,i cry,i even develop a stage were am sufeering from depression,i dont know what to,i tried telling my sisiter bt she said”u lesbians u love claming that u were raped’am drowning each and everydae of my life,plzz help me
K. Have you gotten the necessary counseling you need? drugs only mask the pain as you are aware after 3 years. You need to mentally deal with it. I’m not saying prescribed drugs don’t help because I myself was on xanax for 6 months but I was also in counseling for a year which is why I was able to get off the drugs. Also try some of my suggestions on the website for things you can do that will help improve your sleep, like writing out your thoughts before bed as a mental release and then doing yoga after you write to help relax you. The breathing in yoga truly relaxes the body through the deep breathing. If you can get into a routine I promise your quality of sleep will improve which lowers your anxiety. But counseling is the #1 thing you need to do, it isn’t easy but it absolutely helps and it’s easier than what you’ve already been through. Stay strong! Lynn
I was raped by three men, It’s been almost 3 years. I can’t sleep EVER. Since it’s happened. honeslty I’ve abused prescribed and unprescribed drugs since it’s happened. I want to learn to love again and FEEL again. Thanks for being amazing, be in touch if you’re still around. thank youL
SC, You always have someone to turn to and you are not alone. You just have to go to the right resources. First step is counseling. You might want to start with either a school counselor that can put you in touch with someone that can help you since you are a minor. Also by telling a school counselor (if they are men and you don’t feel comfortable then a female teacher that you do feel comfortable with) then they would also understand what is happening to you academically and offer help with that as well. Or you can try your local crisis center to find out where and how you can obtain counseling as a minor and you can let them know you are having suicidal thoughts and they can help with that too and they are all anonymous fyi. There is also rainn.org where you can locate the nearest counselor to you. Make sure you let them know your age so they know you are a minor. Hopefully your mother isn’t still with this guy and if she is I would tell her as well. Because if this happened to your child wouldn’t you want her to be able to come to you. This was not your fault and you shouldn’t be ashamed. Whatever you do find a way to get the counseling you need. You might even want to consider group counseling because there you will build life long friends that completely understand you and have empathy and can offer you ways to cope that worked for them. Just know you deserve a good life and this is nothing taking your life over. You are strong and you can get through this just do it the right way through counseling. You have to work at it but I promise your future is worth it. Besides if you hurt yourself or even continue to go through life without help then this guy is still in control over you. Take back the control by helping yourself towards a good future and put him behind you and don’t let him have another minute of control over your emotions because he doesn’t deserve it. You hopefully are in a safe place now, so just take the necessary steps to get better and heal. Stay strong! Lynn