Comments for Dealing with Rape

Comment on Steps in The Healing Process by Lynn

Lynn — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 16:28:08 +0000

P. The second rape when you referred to him as “old” boyfriend, please tell me he isn’t in your life anymore. Because he shouldn’t be having ANY type of contact with you. Let me start by saying I am NOT a doctor but I am wondering if you might have PTSD instead of bi-polar. Just a question that you can and should ask your doctor. Also I sure hope your doctor is aware of both rapes, if not let the doctor know. It just seems that your symptoms could be PTSD. Not sure if the medication is different or not so it is a good conversation to have with your doc especially if you think the meds you are currently on are making it worse. My suggestions is to remain in counseling and hopefully you are and have been as honest with them as you were me me. Another suggestion is to take self defense classes which will help with your sense of security as well as your confidence level. And lastly if you are not sleeping well I would do two things. First write out your feelings about an hour before bed. Whatever happened that day good or bad, whatever thoughts or feelings consumed you. Especially write the good things so you know what riggers you good and bad. This is mental release and the more you do it the better it works. Then do either some meditation or yoga. I personally prefer yoga because I’m not thinking and the deep breathing is so relaxing. These two things relaxes your mind body and soul. Just get a yoga DVD and every night when possible do 20 minutes right before bed. This will help you sleep better which will ultimately lower your anxiety. It’s not gonna happen overnight but again the more you do the better it gets. You can and will get through this just don’t give up because you and your future are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn

Comment on Steps in The Healing Process by p

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 03:19:19 +0000

I am a 50 year old women who’s first sexual experience was rape. I wanted to wait until I was married and made this very clear to this person. I was told we were going camping with a whole bunch of friends but when we got there he said that we were going to hold the spots for the others and they would be there in a couple of days. After raping me he told me I was so attractive and that he could not help himself. He also said that I felt funny inside and he did not believe that I was a virgin or I had done a lot of playing with myself. I stayed with this preditor for about a year and suffered physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. I thought I was past it. I used alcohol at times to ease the pain. I then was raped by an old boyfriend about three years ago. This time it is worse or maybe it brought back the first rape. I was angry for trusting and putting myself in a vulnerable position. I did take some action. I told the second rapist if he did not do volunteer work that applied, read books about rape and abuse, and did not talk about it with his counselor, and pay for my counseling that I would press charges. He was more than happy to do that and I received feedback from his counselor that he had done his reading and got a log of his volunteer work. I however am worse than the first rape. I do not date, I do not want to go out of the house and have panic attacks, my heart starts to race and I feel like I am having a heart attack when I think about it. He is 6’4″ and I am about 110 lbs. I have had dreams where I am clawing and grabbing the side of the bed with him on top of me saying he is going to rape me. All I say is not with my kids in the house. I am seeing a therapist and have made some progress. I no longer resent either of them and through AA I have learned to look at them as sick and pray for them. I can do that now but I still feel defined by the first rape at least because I was so young. I also was just diagnosed with Bipolar 2 which means when the rapes haunt me I get into such a deep depression that I want to commit suicide. I would not hurt my kids by doing this so during these times I pray for cancer. It eventually ends and you die. I have just taken some FMLA time off of work to get off of a medication that I believe has made the depression worse and are causing me the anxiety that keeps me from wanting to go out of the house. Anyone have any advice?

Comment on You are not alone….. by Lynn

Lynn — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 17:03:47 +0000

A. Absolutely yes this is rape. Reason is you said no to intercourse the entire time and tried to get him to stop. You never wavered from saying no to intercourse. People can make out and go to second or third base but if you don’t want intercourse and made it perfectly clear before during and after then this is rape. And I know you were trying to get him to stop when you told him to put a condom on. You should report this and if you have any clothes or evidence with dna keep it and take it to the cops. If you don’t want to report it at the very least make sure you are safe from this guy and get counseling. Change your phone number if he has it and get a stun gun. I would also recommend self defense classes as well to make sure this never happens to you again. Make sure to stay as far away from this guy as possible because if he thinks he got away with it he may try again. Stay strong! Lynn

Comment on Steps in The Healing Process by Lynn

Lynn — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 16:45:52 +0000

H. You don’t have to be alone! There are a few things you can do for help and where people will be there for you and understand. Friends and family can sometime react differently than we hoped they would because they don’t know how to help so they prefer to act as if it didn’t happen. We wished we could too but that isn’t the way it works. They don’t realize that hurts us more. Sometimes you have that family member or friend that stands by your side no matter what and that is great when it happens BUT unless they have been through rape, it really doesn’t help the process of healing. They can be there for you as a shoulder to cry on and someone to confide in, but again it doesn’t help the healing process. You MUST get professional counseling. You can either do it privately or I also would suggest group counseling. In group you will build lifelong friendships. You are with people that understand and will be there for you. You will learn how others coped and maybe give you ideas that can help. I’m really glad to hear you haven’t lost your faith because that is one thing that really got me through. So get into counseling asap because the longer you wait the longer it takes. And you deserve a good happy life and you can have it I promise you just have to work for it, but the work is well worth it! Stay strong! Lynn

Comment on Steps in The Healing Process by Lynn

Lynn — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 16:13:15 +0000

K.L. I’m so very sorry this happened to you and completely understand why you feel the way you do. This happened when you were so young, vulnerable and impressionable, that of course you feel the way you do. But you don’t have to and there is help and you can get through this. Do you know what I heard in your story that might surprise you, that you are strong and resilient! I know it doesn’t feel that way but for you to go through all that makes you such a strong person. Now what I want you to do is not let this control another minute of your life because everyday that goes by and your emotions are controlled by the past means the people that did this to you are still in control and they don’t deserve another second of YOUR life! You need to get into professional counseling immediately, the minute you step through that door you are taking back control, no one else will be in control anymore. Then I want you to take self defense classes, not only will this help your confidence but also your sense of security. Some like it so much that they start karate classes. And lastly if you can and this is a personal preference, if you don’t already have a cat or dog, get one. I know this sounds crazy but the type of bond you get and they are there for you all the time with unconditional love, will truly help your state of mind 24/7. And if you can rescue one they will love you like no other animal. So get into counseling asap and get back control of your life because YOU ARE WORTHY & DESERVE a good life! And being in control of your emotions and future are where it all starts! Stay strong! Lynn

Comment on It’s not your fault by Lynn

Lynn — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 15:57:17 +0000

5 years ago. Keeping it inside only makes it worse. Rape isn’t anything we can ever forget about, only learn how to deal so it doesn’t control our emotions and ultimately our life going forward. The ONLY way to learn how to cope and live the good life you deserve is through counseling. Because you are 14 you have a couple choices. You can call your local crisis center let them know your age (it’s anonymous) and tell them you need to be counseled because you were raped and you can’t get over it. Or you can go to the school guidance counselor and ask them for help (I recommend this especially if the kid is in your same school). Or you can confide in your parents and ask them to help you get counseling. Now I know you don’t want to do that but I need you to think of it this way. What if this was your child and they felt as if they couldn’t come to you, how would you feel. If your parents are loving and supportive of you then I think you should confide in them. You don’t even have to necessarily tell them about the harassing part if you don’t want to because rape is rape is rape. Just tell them that you were ashamed and terrified and just wanted it to go away but 5 years later it hasn’t and you need there help. But however you go about it PLEASE get the counseling you need because the longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. And I know you aren’t thinking about this now but if you don’t get counseling it will affect every aspect of your life now and as a grown up. If you don’t believe me read through the over 1000 posts on this site, trust me on this. You deserve to be happy and have a good life! Stay strong! Lynn

Comment on Steps in The Healing Process by Lynn

Lynn — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 15:37:17 +0000

A. The person you need to be speaking to is a counselor. Ask your mom and if she doesn’t help maybe go to a counselor at school and let them know your mom won’t help. You don’t necessarily have to tell your mom this. Also if you have a local crisis center you can call them and they can definitely steer you in the right direction for help. Being a minor you typically don’t have to pay but start with your mom first so maybe she will take you more seriously. Have you asked her if she knows anything about what might have happened? If not you should, she might be trying to protect you from knowing but it is your right to know. However, whatever you find out or remember you need to realize that you MUST get counseling to learn how to deal with it. You are not going to be able to do it by yourself. Whatever happened don’t be ashammed because it doesn’t define you! Be strong enough to ask for the professional help you need. Stay strong! Lynn

Comment on Common feelings associated with rape by Lynn

Lynn — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 15:28:01 +0000

Don’t know, this is a very gray area. First let me start by making sure you understand that smiling, being nice and even flirting does not justify rape. That would mean every girl out there that smiles at a guy is asking for rape and we both know that isn’t true. There is NO justification for rape. That being said we are definitely in a grey area and I’m sorry that I can’t be more definitive in your case. In the beginning it was very clear that you did not want this and you said no. But as he progressed to the point when you told him to get a condom (even tho I understand you did not want this) all he understands and is thinking is that you gave him the ok. Which is why we are in the grey area. Now the good news is that he did wear a condom because hopefully you can put this behind you. God forbid if you had some sort of disease it would be 1000 times worse. I still think it would be a good idea to get counseling because I know you feel this was rape and you need to deal with your mixed emotions. At the very least this was a learning experience for you going forward. I also think maybe you should invest in a stun gun because they will listen the FIRST time you say no. Stay strong! Lynn

Comment on It’s not your fault by Lynn

Lynn — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 15:19:40 +0000

Wanttodrivefast: I really feel for you while you are in this stage of your life. But not wanting to believe this as happened isn’t going to help you. By not recognizing when someone is violating you, then they are in control. They don’t deserve to be in control of you. Only you should control you. I think you MUST do 2 things #1) seek counseling before it get worse. You won’t be judged and I promise it will help you and your future. #2) I want you to take a self defense class. This will help with your sense of security as well as your confidence. You are the only person that should be controlling your life and you have no reason to be embarrassed when this happens. These actions don’t define you just the people that have done this to you. And everyday that you aren’t in control of your life they are and we both know they don’t deserve another minute. All you did was trust these guys and I don’t want you to give up on yourself or the good guys that are out there. I realize some of what happened to you was confusing at first but you have to protect yourself going forward because YOU ARE WORTHY OF A GOOD LIFE! This is how I want you to think about it. What if this happened to your daughter (God forbid) what would you want her to do? Now I need you to do the same for yourself because if you don’t take care of yourself, how will you know one day to take care of your kids? Please go get the counseling you need and take the self defense classes. Stay strong! Lynn

Comment on You are not alone….. by A

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 03:06:48 +0000

So i had this guy over and it was our first time hanging out and everything was good but about 30 minutes in he tried kissing me and at first I resisted but then I ended up kissing him. We made out for a little while and he kept trying to put his pants up my dress and i kept saying no and he kept trying to the point where i had to push hard to get his hand off of me. we were standing up and he pushed me on the bed and we started making out again, little did I know he took his dick out. Once I realized it was out I told him no do not put it in me and he agreed. We were making out again and getting into the moment he took advantage. He put his dick inside me and when i realized it I told him to stop and get it out. since he was on top there was no way to push him off me. he laughed and said just give me a couple more minutes. i told him no but he didnt stop. So i told him to at least put a condom on and he still wouldnt stop. he kept at it until he finished. Now I feel helpless and confused and crushed cause I did not want this to happen. I dont know what to do. Is this even considered rape?